Life As I See It

On Top of the World

2011-06-10T09:07:00.003-05:00

It is so easy to be consumed with the busy-ness of each day that we fail to see just how far we have come. For me, the ending of this school year signified the ending of a major battle. Sure, it was a school year filled with challenges, but the biggest battle has been with...ME!

I seem to have this constant internal struggle going on: Am I doing all the right things? Should I have done more? If only I had... Next time, I am going to... And then there is the inexhaustible to-do list that is constantly on my mind. Whew! Just typing it out is exhausting!

Well, yesterday, I received several photo proofs from the girls' recent photo session. One picture in particular stopped me in my tracks. In it, the girls were jumping and appeared to be floating in air. Such a simple photo, but I immediately tried to remember what it felt like to be so free and unencumbered. Then I realized that the only thing that has been keeping me from that feeling of freedom is me. By whose order do I have to have every single little thing done by the end of the day? These deadlines are self-imposed. Sure, there are some things that have very real deadlines that have to be met, but most of the things I pressure myself down with are things that can be done tomorrow, the next day, or the next week. How liberating a feeling when you "get" something that is so simple, yet it has eluded you for so long!

As I sat poolside, watching my girls and looking at the pictures for the thousandth time that day, I realized just how easy it really is to lay aside the weights of my life and embrace the freedom I have to really, truly LIVE the best life ever. I am not too busy to take that trip or enter that doctoral program, or even to find love that doesn't require settling...

Before long, I started hearing Mary J. singing "Work That" in my head and I began humming along. Life is good, y'all; but it is about to get So.Much.Better.

To be continued...

Quick Note

2011-01-30T12:57:00.002-06:00

I wrote quite a bit this week, but I did not publish the entries. One person asked me why I had not put anything new up on my blog and told me that they looked forward to checking every day to see what I had written for that day. I had no idea the person read it regularly because they never post a comment. If there are no comments, I assume no one is reading and I end up just journaling without sharing my thoughts. So, long story short: If you read the blog, please leave a comment from time to time to let me know what you think. It doesn't matter if you have an opposing viewpoint. My thoughts here are simply my thoughts, and they are subject to change at any time.

So, comment, People! LOL

Write the Vision...

2011-01-23T10:05:00.005-06:00

Every Sunday morning, I have a standing chat appointment with a friend. During these conversations, we discuss our ups and downs from the previous week and just provide support and encouragement to each other. Well, today we talked about our vision for the the next five years. Once the visions were spoken, we challenged each other to, with the help of God, take the necessary steps to bring the visions into reality. Sounds simple enough, right?

Well, I realized that I often speak my goals in my mind and never share them with others. Whenever I change my mind or miss the mark, it is okay because it has always just been me, myself and I. However, when I spoke it to someone else, there was an instant feeling of accountability that came over me, as if I HAVE to follow through with it. But I want to take it even further. Time to write it down.

And the LORD answered me, and said, Write the vision, and make [it] plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it.
Habakkuk 2:2 (King James Version)

So here I am, putting it all out here. My immediate goal for this blog is to chronicle my journey over the course of a year. 365 days of being completely transparent, allowing you to see all of me- the good, the bad, and the ugly. I pray that over time, as I begin to come into my own as the woman God has called me to be, there will be something I experience or share that will speak to you as you take your own journey. I am excited to embark upon a process that I think will lead me to places that I have never imagined going. But I know that no matter what the next 365 days bring, I will be stronger, wiser, and much, much closer to my happy... however that is supposed to look.

My prayer is that this time and this process will lead you to your happy as well. See you on the journey!

--Nikki

Day 1:

2011-01-22T09:26:00.002-06:00

Author's Note: What a day for a new beginning! As I look to the future, I decided to revisit a post from a couple years back. Other than no longer having a husband, much of the content still applies in one form or another. So, that is where I will start. I invite you to go with me on this journey through the rest of my life... my season of greatness.

I caught a glimpse of myself getting out of the shower today. Trust me, it is a visual you DO NOT want! I thought, "Did I look this way yesterday?" I was not pleased with what I saw, knowing that I've been too busy and stressed out to really see myself... for a long time.

I went yesterday to get my baseline mammogram done. Yeah, I know I should have had that done when I was 35, but I let life get in the way. The first year, my excuse was the babies. The next couple of years, it was TAKS time and I didn't have time for it. Humph!

Why is it always that way? As women, we tend to put everything and everyone ahead of ourselves, much to our own detriment. I know there have been too many times to count when I have put the needs of my family, my friends, or my job ahead of my own. I don't even know how many times I have been sick as a dog, yet I'd pull myself out of the bed and forge ahead on wobbly legs just so I wouldn't disappoint someone who "needed" me.

Now, here I am struggling with my weight and my blood pressure with my hair standing all over my head wondering how I got to this place. The reality is that I know exactly how I got here. I put life and everything in it first, and I've had nothing left for ME.

But now I'm at a crossroads.

What good to anyone am I if I am dead? Sure, they love me and will miss me for a little while, but they will keep right on living and breathing and doing all the things I like to think they won't be able to do without me.

And what if my mammogram does show a problem? Other than solving the problem with my jacked up hair, how will I be able to take care of my business? I have GOT to get myself together. I look over at my husband and my kids and KNOW that it's something I HAVE to do.

Damn. (I hope that doesn't offend your delicate sensibilities!)

The problem is that I honestly don't even know where to start with fixing all of this. I've spent soooo many years trying to be all things to all people that I don't even know what it is I'm supposed to be to myself. I know I have to prioritize, but there's so much that I need to work on right now that I can't even think straight.

There is a lesson here.

Never, never, NEVER allow yourself to be so far at the end of your priority list that you forget to do you. I know it is so hard for women who are wives, mothers, employees, church members, daughters, sisters... The list can be never-ending. But we must, Ladies, be willing to carve out time for ourselves. We must. If not, we wake up one morning, much as I did today, wondering how on earth we let our bodies, our health, our (hair!), our weight, finances... (You get the message; just fill in your own list)... get to a point where we do not recognize them at all.

We are more important than that. I'm more important than that. I just forgot for several long moments who I am and whose I am.

But now I remember.

And I hope you do, too.

So, if you will stand with me, I will make this journey. I really want you with me. And I want to be here, too. Not just for my husband or my kids or my students or my friends, but for me.

Now, where was I? Did I mention my hair is a mess? I'm gonna have to cut it and start over. Yeah.

Y'all pray for me, okay?

Almost To... Happy? (Trois)

2011-01-21T20:22:00.005-06:00

Well, the hits just keep on coming.

Since my last entry, I have rekindled- and lost- what I thought of as my deepest friendship. Warning: I may possibly be a little too transparent here, so if you are prone to pearl-clutching, perhaps you should visit on another day when I am a little more 'spiritual'. Coz right here, right now, this is my spot and I'm about to keep it real.

I have... HAD... a friend with whom I have shared some of my most vulnerable moments and some of my deepest secrets. The converse is true as well. (If you know me, then you know that I have MAJOR issues with trust, so this was a friendship with deeeep roots.) At any rate, this person recently showed me that their friendship was not genuine. The level of callousness at which they showed their true colors cut me to the quick and killed my sense of trust. I was left wondering how a person could ever come back from taking such a hit.

I think I started grieving the loss of the friendship almost as if someone had died. I felt as if I had taken another hit that I was sooo unready to take. All I wanted to do was yell at them, to scream at the top of my lungs, "How could you do this to me, of all people? You, who knows the secrets and the hurts and the pain and where the holes are. How could you deal me a fatal blow? How, you mother******?!!!"

Another blow. Another loss. Another hole to be filled. After so many, how does one move on? I was in yet another wilderness place. Was the wilderness destined to be my new home? What was I missing? What lessons did I not learn?

But you know what? God remembered me and I remembered Him. I just talked to Him openly and honestly. I talked and He listened. Then He talked and I listened. And He sent genuine people alongside to minister to my wounds. They bound me up with love and kindness and laughter and joy and with the Word... and at some point during the night while I slept, God performed surgery on my heart. I woke up the next morning with a new song. I was no longer angry. Instead, I felt a peace within me that this was not the end of my story. I understand that loss is part of living and that not everyone is called to walk along with us at every season of our lives. The person, my former friend, was just no longer called to my life... and that's okay, too, because I know that God has my back, front and flank. And more than anything, The Lord has shown me that, as I prepare to move into what I believe to be my season of greatness, those He has placed around me are the ones He has chosen to be armor bearers in my life.

I would be lying if I said I do not think about past events, but as quickly as thoughts and a little bit of sadness creep in, I try to make a conscious choice to release it. It's not easy, though, y'all, as I am indeed a work in progress. Continue to pray for me, alright?

Almost To Happy (Part II)

2010-11-12T20:55:00.003-06:00

Several weeks ago, my daughters brought home personal data forms that gave the opportunity to update parent and emergency contact information. The forms were last completed during their pre-k year. It hit me pretty hard when I realized that very little remained the same from just the previous school year. We had moved and had changes in both parent information, and BOTH of my children's emergency contacts had gone home to the be with the Lord. I know you knew about my mother, but my Aunt Marion also left me a few months ago. She left me, and that cut me to the quick. Never have I felt as alone as I do right now. There was no one to call when I have a problem or need backup childcare or money for an emergency. There was no one else left for me to share those thoughts and ideas that I never feel free enough to share with others. Over the course of one school year, I had seen the death of a marriage and the death of a mother's love times two. What a wilderness place to find yourself in!

When my aunt died, I found myself asking God why He would allow me to be left all alone with no one who truly loved me or understood me or even cared enough to know that there was a part of me behind this seemingly strong exterior that had cried a thousand tears and died a thousand deaths. And, just like a faithful friend, He reached for my hand and touched my heart.

Trust me even when you cannot trace me.

I certainly wanted to, but if you know me really well, then you know that is one area that I struggle with. Trust. Such a small word with huge potential ramifications when trust is misplaced. Yet, here I was being challenged to step out of my comfort zone and into this wilderness place not knowing what or where or when or who... or why. And whenever I inquired, the answer was the same.

Trust me even when you cannot trace me.

It was not until the night before my aunt's memorial service that I really think I caught on to what the Lord was doing. As I looked over the lives of both my mom and my aunt, I realized that they had served their purposes on Earth. Good, bad or indifferent, they had fulfilled the tasks they were set out to do, and it was time. One thing I am learning is that, sometimes, God has to move people and things out of the way so that we are free to step into our respective destinies. Sometimes, we are not able to be all that He called us to be because we become comfortable basking in the glory of other people's light when God really wants to call us forth to shine our own light on this world.

Almost To Happy (Part I)

2010-11-11T22:15:00.005-06:00

So much time has passed since my last blog entry. It has been the better part of a year, to be exact. I have certainly looked back here from time to time-perhaps looking for clues as to where my next steps should lead. However, no insight was ever found and the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months. Days, weeks and months of silence.

Silence. What a precious commodity that is in the life of a busy single mother. A single mother. That is certainly a moniker I never dreamed I'd have. I always knew I would be a wife and prayed I would be a mother, but a single mother? Nope, that was never something I would have imagined for my life. But here I am in the midst of my insanely real, insanely chaotic, and yet, insanely blessed life.

In the midst of my many struggles over the last year, the one thing that has been constant during my state of constant change has been the presence of God. Some days He revealed His presence to me in very real, very intimate ways. On other days, He stayed in the background, fully aware that this slightly broken creation of His was not in a position to receive lessons He needed to teach. But through it all, I look back at various moments in time and notice His fingerprints left at every scene.

That is a comforting thing, you know? I mean, I so often feel that I am out here all alone. The people I once looked to as the innermost of my inner circle have all left me to walk out this life by myself. I know that I am not alone and should use those times to draw closer to God. Sometimes I do. Sometimes. But not all the time, and I am ashamed to admit it.

The Big D

2010-01-05T17:55:00.006-06:00

Well, it is official. Greg and I are calling it quits. We are filing for divorce this spring. I've actually alluded to this fact over the past several months as we have looked at our relationship from every conceivable angle. But, after all of that looking, it is what it is. And what it is is not working... nor has it worked for quite some time. So, here we are wondering where in the heck we went wrong and making plans to right our respective ships.

Divorce is painful business. Don't let anyone tell you differently. Whether we carry ourselves as strong and invincible or weak and easily defeated, there is a feeling of hurt and failure unlike anything else. There is no easy button to push nor words to be spoken that can take the sting away. In fact, I cringe inside just by saying the word. But, it is something that needs to be done nonetheless. For sake of my sanity, it has to be done.

Some of you will wonder why I took so long in revealing the changes I have been going through. Others will be disappointed and immediately think of all the scriptures you know about marriage. Yeah, I know those, too, so please don't waste your time typing them into the comments section. Still others will flood my voicemail and email boxes with words of encouragement and support. Please do not be offended if I do not immediately return your calls, texts, or messages. And please do not get upset if, when I do answer your calls, I just hold the phone. Like I said, this is very painful business, and it will take a lot of time to get over.

Well, now you know for sure. That's all I've got for now. I'll be back soon... with something.

Relax, Release...

2009-11-02T19:41:00.004-06:00

I was recently told that I am a workaholic who has to learn to take time to relax. Sure, I work a lot, but that is because I have so much to do. If I don't keep up, it will pile up. Then where will I be?

In light of my mother's recent passing, I decided to take some time to really rethink my life's habits and choices. I really do want to be around to see my children's children. About a month or so ago, I started having trouble with digesting my food. I often find myself with horrible stomach pains and cramping or I'd not be able to keep my food down. It wasn't until I rushed to the ER to be with my mother that I realized that it was stress that was causing my digestive problems. Now when I get into stressful situations, the first thing I notice is that my stomach gets all tied up into knots and gets all messed up. I realize that by the time our bodies manifest effects of stress and whatnot, damage has gone on for quite some time. I don't even want to think about what my often marathon-long periods of stressful situations have been doing to my body.

What I do know is that I must do so much better. If for no other reason, I have two beautiful little girls who love me dearly and deserve a mommy who is in good health for as many years as possible. Yeah, I HAVE to do better.

So, I guess I need to come up with a game plan. How do I become less of a workaholic? I honestly have no idea of how to go about cutting back on the hours and stress. At this moment, I'm thinking that I should probably impose limits upon myself. Maybe allocate a certain number of hours each day for work and then disengage at the end of that period whether I am finished with it all or not. That will make me prioritize. I was also thinking that I need to find some ways to de-stress and relax. Well, that is as far as I have gotten in my process. Anyone else have ideas to help me with this?

Highs and Lows

2009-10-21T07:36:00.006-05:00

In life, the expectation is always that parents will precede their children in death. Even though we know- and even expect- our parents to go before us, there is really just no way to anticipate the loss.

My mom died on Monday, and it was a shock. Even up to her last breath, the expectation of a full recovery was so strong. She was not in pain, she did not labor to breathe, she didn't show any signs of suffering whatsoever. In fact, she was talking and laughing as we were giving her medical history to the nurse. One second she was cutting up as she usually did, and the next second she was gone to be with the Lord. There was no moment to brace myself or prepare for her loss.

But, I am glad that God knows just what we need when we need it. I NEEDED to be there for my mother's last laugh, last thought, last breath. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I needed that moment. God knew, and he responded accordingly. Just for me. What an awesome God!

Since my mom's passing, things have been such a whirlwind. I really haven't had time to grieve more than a minute here or there because I am inundated with phone calls from people who have been totally distraught and needing me to console them! Plus, I am having to do everything, preparation-wise, by myself. My brother is away, and it all falls to me to take care of everything. I think it's best this way. It's just hard because I am sooo unbelievably tired. I have run into a few snags where people have thought of only what they want and not what my mom's wishes were, and that has caused me to go off a time or two. Y'all know I'm not perfect! LOL! Other times, like right at this moment, I find myself a little low because I get so many calls from people seeking comfort, yet most do not ask how I'm doing or what they can do. I understand that they are hurting, too, but it hurts my feelings nonetheless. Maybe that's my fault because I expect more from people and it hurts to be disappointed. Can't dwell on what makes others tick, though.

I really think they just don't think about it. So many people think I am the strong one who can and does handle everything. I am Nikki the Handler. I think people sometimes forget that, beneath this "strong" exterior, there is a thinking, feeling person inside who hurts and feels things just like everyone else. I am just often too busy handling things that they don't get to see that part. I guess it's not their fault.

***Update:
As I was typing this blog entry this morning, I was feeling sooooo low. Today has started off as an incredibly depressing day for me. I guess I was feeling a little sorry for myself. Maybe I'm a little overwhelmed. Maybe it's the rainy weather. It's just that I was feeling like so many people have forgotten about me. Then, out of the blue, one of my mom's friends called. She didn't have a need at all. She just asked about me and what she could do to serve me. Look at God! Once again, He knew what I needed and responded accordingly.

So, after talking with her, I picked up my face, dusted myself off, and got back to "handling" everything again. Not because I want to, though. I really just want to crawl into bed under the covers and sleep until this is all over. But since that is not really an option, let me hop to it. I have to bury my mama, and I have a to-do list a mile long.

If you think about it, keep us in your prayers.

My Mother is Gone

2009-10-19T22:10:00.002-05:00

I cannot even believe that I am typing the words. My mother went home to be with the Lord today. My mother. My mama. My mommy. Gone. With the Lord. Today.

I'll try this again tomorrow.

At a Crossroads

2009-10-11T21:21:00.006-05:00

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.

(from "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost)

I am a dreamer by nature.

Sure, I can move and shake with the best of them. A go-getter? Yep, that's me. But when I am by myself, I dream. I dream really big. Some of those dreams make it into reality, but others remain in my head, just itching to be birthed. Well, I have another dream that is really big and important to me, and I realize that I have been deferring it for years-- not because I cannot accomplish it, but because of the way it will affect those around me.

Marianne Williamson said in her poem, "Our Deepest Fear":

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I know this poem well, and I have quoted it on several occasions. The words reverberate truth, yet I still find myself playing small in the world. Why is that, I wonder?

Y'all, I am really going through some things in my personal life. Some really big things. For those of you who like to think I have it all together, please think again. I am flying by the seat of my pants here. I know what is in my heart-- the hope and the promise of something greater. Well, fulfilling, actually. To me, the steep price is justified. To others, maybe not so much. At any rate, I stand at a crossroads silently praying.

That's all I can say about it right now. Sorry to be so cryptic, but I'll keep you posted.

Finally! I've made a decision.

2009-08-26T18:40:00.001-05:00

Since the inception of this blog, I have vacillated between several different ideas I've had about the type of blog I'd like this to be. At some points, I've thought to make this strictly a place for me to chronicle my daily journey as a wife, mom, and teacher. On other days I've thought about covering politics and the issues of the day. Still other days, I've thought of making this a safe place for people dealing with the pain of infertility to come and receive encouragement and support. One thing was for sure-- uncertainty was certain!

Well, it all finally became a little clearer to me after I received an email yesterday. A really nice lady googled one of the topics previously mentioned and stumbled upon my little blog. It's funny how God works because I instantly knew where I wanted to take this blog after reading that email. So, thank you, visitor! (Yes, I do remember your name!)

So, ladies and gentlemen, I will still chronicle my journey as a wife, mom, teacher, friend, and citizen, but I will do it from a Christian perspective. I think I do that a lot already, but I really want that to be the overall theme of this blog. Am I saying that I have arrived in terms of my faith or that I know it all? Absolutely not! God certainly knows me and knows I have a LONG way to go. But I am, hopefully, making forward progress. Besides, I am hoping that we can discuss issues from a biblical standpoint and all learn some things in the process.

So, please feel free to share your thoughts, feelings, and issues you'd like to discuss. I'm hoping this can grow into a community of people who are positive and supportive as we look for God's fingerprints in our everyday lives.

When It Rains, It Pours...

2009-08-04T12:30:00.005-05:00

Well, now the OTHER twin has whatever this crud is Tootie has. Lia's fever spiked today, along with a cough and now a sore throat. I called to see if I could just give her the same antibiotic that Tootie has, but no... I'll be taking her in to the pediatrician in about an hour! My brain is so fried! In the last two days, I have had a total of three hours sleep. Tonight's not looking too good on the sleep front, either. Plus, I'm starting to run a low-grade fever. Too bad, though, because I don't have time to be sick. I'll just have to try to keep it at bay until I get my girls better.

Anyway, please keep the prayers coming because we really need them right now.

Keep My Baby in Your Prayers...

2009-08-03T21:25:00.004-05:00

My youngest child, Tootie, spiked a fever during the night last night. Her temperature was 104.1. I've been giving her Motrin every six hours and took her to the pediatrician today. She is now on an antibiotic and I hope she is feeling better by this time tomorrow. As I type this, my baby is asleep, totally spent from her latest fever spike. I am too tired to go to sleep after being up almost all night last night, and I will probably have a repeat tonight.

It's funny, though, because I have been inundated with praise and worship for the last few days. When she got sick, I did not stress. Yeah, as a parent, I was and am very concerned. Hence, the no sleep last night, but I spent much of that time singing praise and worship songs that I had been listening to over and over. God is so smart in the way He gives us just what we need when we need it!

One thing that has truly blessed my soul, though, has been watching Lia, Tootie's twin, while Tootie has been sick. Lia has been the little mother hen. She does everything from making sure Tootie has a light covering when she gets chilly to holding Tootie's cup to her lips so she can get a drink. Their relationship is so beautiful to watch. Although my girls are not identical twins, they do share an amazing bond. Today, Lia was so sad that Tootie had to go to the doctor that I had to promise to call home from the doctor's office so the girls could talk to each other on the phone. Before we left, Lia and I joined hands and Lia asked God to heal her sister. Can you say precious moment?!!! Then, when we got home, I noticed Lia looking through the blinds in the foyer, just watching for us. As we got out of the van, I could hear Lia squealing with delight, "Tootie's home! Tootie's home!" Lia opened the front door and ran out to meet Tootie. Then, Tootie told Lia that she missed her so much, and the two embraced. Aw, man! If you only knew how that touching moment got me right in the heart!

So, I know my baby is going to be just fine. The faith of her sister, more than anything, is seeing to that. With Lia's love and faith, God can't help but be moved to compassion for Tootie. I'll keep you posted on her progress!

Author, Author!

2009-08-02T11:06:00.006-05:00

I have been absent again because I am working on a book I am writing. My goal has been to get it finished by the time I return to work in a few weeks. I hope to get finished and then move onto editing, but I am also a bit overwhelmed with preparing a staff development training from scratch that I have to present on the first day we return. I pray to get it all done.

Oh, a friend of mine asked which book I'm trying to finish. Last year, I started a fictional work loosely based on the lives of people in my family. I still plan to complete it, but I have moved it to the back burner for now because I just don't have the time right now to work out some problems I am encountering with a couple of the characters. Maybe Christmas break will be a good time for me to look at it again.

Anyway, the one I'm working on right now is basically a testimony of my journey through the years to become a mother. I am talking about the anti-cancer treatments and resulting weight gain, years of infertility and recurrent miscarriage, the foster and adoption process we looked into, and Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ART). I know this is not a story that will appeal to a huge audience, but I feel it is an important one to tell nonetheless. I am amazed by the number of women/couples I meet who are facing the harshness of infertility every day, and I want to be a light of hope for them. It took twelve years for me, but the blessing did come. If God did it for me, He can do it for anyone!

The chapter I am currently working on deals with the issue of The Church and people's perceptions of Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ART). Very interesting stuff indeed!

I will keep you posted on my progress. Just keep me in your prayers.

My Son...

2009-07-24T22:13:00.006-05:00

Happy Birthday, Ry!

I cannot believe you turned 18 today! Where has the time gone? When you first came into my life, you were a rambunctious six-year-old who bore an uncanny resemblance to the video game character, Yoshi! Well, at least by the walk!

We have gone through so many changes over the years-- school, puberty, girls (yikes!), our "dates" so you can learn how to treat a young lady, driving, and so much more. I can honestly say that you are the type of child parents dream of having. You're smart as heck, funny, thoughtful, hardworking, respectful, and kind. You are growing into quite a young leader who is destined to do great things in this life. You, Young Man, are success just waiting to happen, and Dad and I are so proud of you!

Although you were not born from my body, Ryan, you were truly born in my heart. I hate the label of "step"son. There is no "step" or lessening of my love for you. You are my SON, plain and simple.

So, have a wondrously blessed birthday, knowing that Dad and I love you, pray for you, and have your back forever!

All my love,
Mom

Honor Your Father and Mother

2009-07-09T11:07:00.003-05:00

Like I said earlier, I had to defriend someone from my FaceBook account because she was being disrespectful to her mama.

Now, the Lord knows that I have not made the best decisions all the time when it comes to dealing with my own mother, but despite how angry she has ever made me-- and she has done so A LOT!!!-- I have never, never, never, EVER called her out of her name or in any way threatened her.

This child (teenager, going to 12th grade) is the daughter of a friend of mine. At first I thought it was cute when I received her friend request. But that changed QUICKLY! See, my friend and her daughter are having a hard time relating right now for a number of reasons. There seems to be so much more to the story that I am not privy to, but that is their business and I respect that. Anyway, I have been noticing the daughter writing things in her status that are, in my opinion, extremely disrespectful towards her mother. I know she intentionally writes those things to hurt her mom since her mother can see everything she writes. I wrote her a private message letting her know that, although I do not know what all is going on between them, life is so short and is not at all promised to us. I asked her, essentially, to ask herself this: If your mother died today, would you be forever okay with the way things are between you? If your answer is yes, then there is really nothing else I can say other than to just keep it moving. But if the answer is no,then you need to make sure that you take the necessary steps on your end to start making it right today. Once we are gone, it will be too late the say the things we should have said or to take back the things we knew we should not have said. I left it there and went about about my business.

The child did not respond to my message and, in fact, continued to post disrespectful status messages toward her mother. I guess, in her reckless youth, she made the decision she felt she needed to.

The last straw for me, though, was this final exchange (paraphrased): (Warning: foul language)

(apparently, the mother had written and told the child she loved her)

Friend's daughter's status message: Seriously, just leave me the f*** alone!
Daughter's friend #1: What's going on? Whose ass do I need to kick?
Daughter's friend #2: So, your (sic) gonna kick her mother's ass? LMAO!
Friend's daughter: LMAO!!!

Okay! I was HOT I tell you! I had reached the end of my rope with this little girl! The level of disrespect was just too much! So rather than beating her with a red hot poker or saying what was REALLY on my mind, I just deleted her from my friends list so I'd never have to see her disrespectful posts again. I understand that it does, indeed, take a village to raise a child, but I also understand that not everyone in the village has permission to beat the child's butt.

It does seem, though, that somewhere along the way the message of honoring your father and mother (Ephesians 6:2-3) got missed. I'm just saying...

Let it go

2009-07-09T09:10:00.006-05:00

My soul is really vexed today. Yeah, I said it-- vexed!

I recently had to de-friend a person from my Facebook friends list. I tried to talk to her and share experiences I have had, but she continued to update her status with hateful, disrespectful things about her mama. (I'll post about that later.)

Now, if you know me at all, then you know that my relationship with my own mother has, over the years, been described as tumultuous. I mean, I thought I could move thousands of miles away and finally be free of the drama and stress I was constantly plagued with. I even went to counseling to try to figure out why someone who was supposed to love me so much put me through so much. And you know what? Counseling gave me some insight, but never really solved my problem. My problem was not solved until I had an epiphany one day: I had to fix myself before I could deal with problems in my relationships.

I literally spent YEARS and lots of money trying to solve my family problems the way *I* had imagined they should be solved. The bottom line is that MY way of solving problems with people was by finding ways to CHANGE those people into what I thought they should be. I wanted them to act the way I thought they should act, and I wanted them to do the things I thought they should do.

You see, I didn't realize it at first, but what I really wanted was CONTROL.

Whenever someone in my family did something to step outside of that little box I had so neatly organized, I was disappointed. They disappointed me. They betrayed me. I wasn't in control.

Yes, it hurt me deeply when someone so dear to me lied on me (which was A LOT!!), but that is a problem THAT PERSON has to solve within themselves. I knew I did not say or do those things, so why was I worried so much about it? I finally learned to just LET IT GO.

When they lied on me, so what! Let. it. go.
When they said that I think I'm better than everyone else, I knew I didn't feel that way-- they did. Let. it. go.
When they said things about my husband or my children, I realized that anyone truly important in their lives knew that stuff was unfair and untrue. So, I grit my teeth very hard and let. it. go.

At the end of our lives, it will no longer be important to us whether or not someone said all the right things or did all the right things to us. We just want to be able to know that we loved and were loved. We want to know that in the brief moment of time and space we were allowed to be here, we made a difference. We mattered.

Isn't that all that really matters?

People, please learn to just let the foolishness of this world go or it will consume you. Don't be like I was for so long. As my friend, Monnie, says and I have since adopted, "Be better than me."

So now I say it to you. Don't be like me. Be so much better than me.

One spoiled dog!

2009-07-09T08:44:00.003-05:00

Could someone please explain to me why my dog, Chopper, will not drink his water without ice cubes floating in it? Seriously, he is a DOG! Whenever I go to the fridge to get ice for my cup or for the kiddos, he will look at me like I'm the crazy one and bark until he gets a couple of cubes in his water, too.

Oh, now don't get me wrong. To be 10-12 pounds, he puts up a good front barking and running up on visitors like he's going to actually do something. Then he goes to the water bowl to check on his ice.

Yeah, whatever!

Spoiled I tell you!

Let's get it together, Ladies

2009-06-15T23:25:00.005-05:00

Yesterday, I spoke with a friend with whom I had lost touch. She was in a bad place and my heart really hurt for her. She told me about a relationship she was in that was not going the way she had thought it would. The guy, who had pursued her for quite some time, seemed to possess all of the qualities of an ideal mate plus a few not-so ideal qualities. Those not-so-ideal qualities were BIG ones. They should have been deal breakers, in my opinion.

However, she has been waiting for the guy to get it together... for a LONG time!

This troubled me deeply. Very deeply.

I'm not going into specifics about this friend's problem because those details aren't really relevant. To be honest, I'm sure we have all had past relationships that can be filled into the blanks here.

Anyway, I got to thinking about her situation and wondered why on earth we women get ourselves into these predicaments. Her story is not so unusual. She is successful in her career and is well-respected in many different circles. She works hard, has her money and credit right, and she is a homeowner and responsible citizen. So, how does one so put together end up "settling" for a man?

Oh, I hear a couple of you saying, "How do YOU know she's settling for a man?" Well, here is how I know: She listed off men she has known and had long-term relationships with. This one she has known since first grade. She stated that she's tired of going through the process of learning all about a guy and, eventually, meeting his parents and friends. She is almost 40, successful in many areas, and has never been married, although she has wanted to for some time now. I get that. I totally get hearing the biological clock ticking. I also get the dream of marrying the handsome prince that was instilled early in little girls' lives. However, what I don’t get is the propensity toward unavailable, emotionally detached, immature, or wandering men.

Ladies, we have got to get to a place where we are comfortable laying down the deal-breakers and what it is we truly want from the relationship UP FRONT. Stop hemming and hawing thinking you might scare a man off. If a man is serious and ready to come to you correctly, he will appreciate the honesty and conduct himself accordingly. If he is not willing to operate within those boundaries, then no harm, no foul. Let him keep stepping and you keep it moving. He is not the be all and end all.

Prior to making some much-needed changes in her life, another friend of mine found herself in a relationship with a man who was there one day and gone for the next several. Their relationship was a revolving door with him doting on her and being a knight in shining armor for a few days, followed by total detachment – no calls, no visits, nothing-- for several more. This guy had pursued her for TEN years.

My question was how often the guy showed this HUGE character flaw while they were just friends. She didn’t give it much thought at first… because she hadn’t wanted to. It turns out that the guy showed his true self many years ago while dating another woman.

Sisters, if a man is tipping, slipping, and acting a fool while dating another woman, please do not fool yourselves into thinking for a moment that he is going to change when he gets with you. The juncture of your thighs is not all that different from someone else’s. I’m just saying.

Over a glass of wine one evening, she cried and poured put her soul out to me saying, “But I thought he was the one! He would always propose to me and tell me that I was his rib. He was supposed to be my soul mate.”

I’m going to say this one time, Sisters, so please get a pad and pen to write this down:

If you are a man’s missing rib, shouldn’t the pieces fit together properly?

Go marinate on that and get back with me.

My Top Ten For a Lasting Marriage

2009-06-15T23:10:00.005-05:00

Marriage is good. Really good. But it is work. Like a great garden, a marriage relationship is only as good as the time you spend cultivating the soil and tilling the land. Without the right amount of care, it will, before long, be overrun by unsightly weeds.

A friend recently asked me about marriage, specifically, what it is that keeps a marriage going. What makes a good marriage great? Well, I thought about it and thought some more and came up with my top ten (in no particular order). Here goes:

My Top Ten Keys To a Successful Marriage

1. Pray together at least once a day.
2. Have date night with your spouse once a week or, at the very least, twice per month. (And don't forget to hold hands!)
3. Try to keep your finger on the pulse of your relationship. If it needs a tune up or a recharge, do it immediately.
4. Remember that you two are a team, even through the inevitable adjustments from combining things "mine" and "yours". Talk about money, set joint financial goals, and don't "hide" money.
5. Never, never, never go to bed angry if you can help it. Since tomorrow is not promised, make every effort to come to some sort of resolution. Stated more clearly, be willing to be the first to apologize (no matter who started it). Then forgive, forgive, forgive... and mean it.
6. When things get rocky, as they sometimes do, remember what you love about your spouse today and look for it in them during those tough moments.
7. Make it a habit to look for at least one good thing that your spouse does that you can sincerely compliment him on or tell him you appreciate. Even if it's as small as telling him he smells nice after he gets out of the shower. Bottom line: Keep him feeling good about himself and he will give you the moon.
8. Never bring up past hurts or problems that your relationship has moved on from, especially not in the middle of an argument. That's also not the time to say ugly, hurtful things about his mama (even if she is fat, bald, snaggle-toothed, or country).
9. Don't allow yourself to get too tired or too busy to act silly sometimes. Laughter is the best medicine, especially in marriage.
10. Support his dreams and goals even if you think his idea will not work. If it does fail, he will love you for being in his corner without saying, "I told you so."

These Girls of Mine

2009-06-14T12:02:00.004-05:00

It is not often that I am surprised by most people-- well, other than my twins, that is. It seems that I am always seeming to be amazed by something they say or do. Now, i know part of it is because they are mine, and like most parents, I think my girls are a couple of the smartest kids on earth. But more often than not, it is that they do something that seems to be ahead of where I, as an educator, think they should be developmentally.

Take today for example. I've been teaching my girls how to play the game of pool. Since they are waaay too small to play on a regulation sized table, I have been showing them the basics on a game called Pool Geometry on the Internet site CoolMath4Kids.com. (I know most people would not think of the relationship between pool and mathematics, but the game does require an understanding of Geometry-- specifically triangles). Anyway, they are good about telling me when either they (or I) scratch. They're also getting pretty good at aiming the cue stick so that the cue ball goes where it needs to go.

But I digress.

I told them that it was almost nap time, so they asked if we could play one game of pool. We did, and all was well. I then told them that it was time for their nap. Lia, the older twin, promptly told me that she was not planning to take a nap. Being the mom that I am, I politely gave her a choice. Here is how the exchange went:

Lia: I'm not taking a nap.
Me: Well, then, you have a choice to make. You can take a nap or get a spanking and take a nap.
Lia: Ummm, I'll take the pink one.
Me: What?? (accompanied by blank stare)
Lia: I'll take the pink one.

Now, for a few seconds I was totally confused. Then it hit me. When I buy something for them, I try to buy different colors to help them to distinguish one's property from the other. This is a MUST in our household. Usually, when there are things that are clearly girl items, I usually get one in pink and one in purple. They get to choose who gets what, but 99% of the time, Tootie chooses purple while Lia's choice is pink.

Without missing a beat, though, that little girl of mine burst out into a fit of laughter. She quickly said, "I'm just kidding. I'm going to take my nap."

Doesn't that sound like the humor and wit of someone much older than 4 years old? I knew it-- genius!

My mommy is NOT a teacher...

2009-05-28T21:01:00.004-05:00

So, I'm not a teacher it seems... at least that is the story my four-year-old twins daughters are telling.

Once a week now, my girls go a fabulous in-home daycare that they've been at since they were 9 months old. They used to go there fulltime until my husband lost his job back in January. Since we could no longer afford it, she offered to keep the girls one day a week to give my husband a break and to allow him time to go on interviews. If he had to go more often, she has offered to keep them for the hours of his interviews. I love her so much because she loves my girls- and us- so much that she would do this for us.

Anyway, today her daughter was talking with the kids about their moms and the jobs they do away from home. She told my girls that their mommy is a teacher who goes to work at a school every day. Although my girls visit my school quite often after school, and have even been there at one point or another during the day, I guess it never really quite dawned on them that I was, in fact, a teacher. I don't know what they thought I did in my classroom. Regardless, this is how the exchange went:

Ms. C: So, Girls, your mommy is a teacher. She goes to work at a school every day.
Tootie: My mommy is NOT a teacher. She is a MOMMY!
Ms. C: Well, yes, she is a mommy, but she is also a teacher. She teaches kids.
Tootie: Don't SAY that! My mommy is a MOMMY! She is not a teacher.
Ms. C: So, where does she work?
Tootie: She works at school in her classroom, but she is a MOMMY!
Ms. C: Well, that's true, but she can be a mommy AND a teacher.
Tootie: Humph!

So, when they got to school with Daddy to pick me up today, the girls asked to visit my classroom. As we approached the door, Lia, the other twin, was bound and determined to get to the bottom of it all.

Lia: Mommy, are you a teacher?
Me: Yes, I am.
Lia: You ARE?
Me: Yes, I am. I teach kids who are in the 4th grade.
Lia: You DO? But you're a MOMMY!
Me: Yes, you are right. I am a mommy AND a teacher.

I guess they were satisfied with it and were able to accept the fact that I am both their mommy AND some other kids' teacher. Neither said anything, but I know Tootie is NOT going to want to tell Ms. C that she was right! LOL.

I love those little girls!

Moving On

2009-05-28T20:11:00.005-05:00

Well, it is official! I will be moving up to fifth grade with my students next year. In order to do so, I had to take another certification exam which would allow me to teach all the way up to 8th grade. I took it a week ago and got my results Tuesday morning.

So, now that I have all of the paperwork side of it completed, I am on my way up. It's so funny, though, because my partner teacher and I had been threatening the kids by saying, "If you guys don't straighten up, one of us will be moving to 5th grade to make sure you get it together." Since my partner teacher and I are so much alike, to the kids, neither of the choices was better than the other. Both would mean they weren't getting an inch of wiggle room. It was so funny though, when one boy raised his hand all innocently and asked, "Couldn't Mrs. R move up with us instead?" Oh, my goodness. I HOWLED!!!

See, Mrs. R is also a partner teacher with us who teaches the Science. I love me some her because she is such a trip to me. We often tease her about being the sit-around-the-campfire-and-hold-hands-while-singing-Kumbaya-and-hugging-a-tree kind of person. Actually, she really isn't, but it's funny to say it anyway. She just looks at my other partner teacher and me, shakes her head, and walks away because she thinks we're completely crazy, I'm sure! Anyway, Mrs. R is the really loving part of our trio who may, for example, explain to the kids that it's not a healthful choice to lean back in your seat because you might fall, thereby causing yourself to suffer a concussion or worse. Of course, she then lovingly explains to them what a concussion is and why they really don't want one. I, on the other hand, take a sliiiiightly different approach: "Boy, if you fall back in that chair and crack your head open, you are NOT going to the nurse!" Either way, the chair legs come down.

When I finally told them that I would be moving, most cheered, but I could see a few who were not quite so giddy.

I love it! See, I already knew that a few were going to be shell-shocked. You know the ones. Those kids who make it a point to start the year off very slowly so the new teacher won't know exactly WHAT they know, allowing them to skate along for a while. Humph! No skating for them! They are going to have to hit the ground running because I already know what they know since I taught them in the first place.

Anyway, I don't know how I am going to handle the move. My partner teacher and I (the one just like me) are sooooo much alike that we think and say the exact same things at the exact same time. We always know what the other person is thinking and coming to work is a PAR-TY! Our students honestly don't know who is "crazier". They enjoy class (although they work their butts off) and, I believe, learn better because of it.

Having said that, I am moving to a team that is quite different from my current team. I lead a very relaxed classroom that is filled with laughter, talking, and lots of hands-on activities. Where I'm going, I think it's a little more structured, formal, and just-- well, different! Besides, the leader of that pack and I have previously had very strong words, so this should be interesting. I'll keep you posted on that one because sparks are SURE to fly.

Freaky-Deaky

2009-05-12T21:11:00.002-05:00

I'm teaching a media literacy unit at school right now. I love doing this unit because I believe in the importance of teaching young people to be be knowledgeable consumers of products and information. It has been going pretty well with all of my classes, so I've felt good about everything.

Reality check!!

I thought I was doing some serious teaching today. A couple of boys who hadn't really paid attention without coercion all year seemed to be fully engrossed in our discussion. Well, what I found out later was that, since I had on a v-neck top today, they were looking at my cleavage.

Little pervs!

I told my husband when I got into the car this afternoon. Instead of wondering what was wrong with the boys like I did, he just laughed and said, "I'm just saying... I would've been looking, too." Big perv!

I'm not surprised, though. Anyone who teaches fourth grade can probably tell you about the hormone surge kids seem to go through between fourth and fifth grades. Kids get taller over the summer, girls start developing a little and going through their bodily changes, and boys get kind of mannish. What am I going to have to put up with next year when I move up with my classes?

Sheesh! I guess I'm going to have to wear turtlenecks every day!

My Twins are Four Years Old...

2009-05-09T08:43:00.006-05:00

and I don't know where the time went. If you happen to see it, please let it know that I would like it back!

It seems like yesterday that I was having my (unexpected) c-section to bring them into the world. They were so small, and I was so scared to even touch them at first. They both fit into my shirt for kangaroo care, and we bonded like that for hours upon hours at a time. Me afraid to move a muscle for fear some magical moment would be forever lost. Them nestled in cozily trying to match the wild beating of my heart. There was something truly magical about those first couple of weeks. Something that could only have come from Heaven. I didn't speak loudly or want anything to steal that magic.

Oh, how times change!

This morning, Eliana and I had it out. See, both of my twins are strong-willed. This quality will serve them very well in the future, and I thank God that they were created just the way they are. However, their mother is also strong-willed. Ummm, yeah. So, those great qualities I see in them now are quite infuriating at times for me since they're only four! You know where I'm going with this, don't you?

Well, I asked Eliana to do something and she totally blew me off. I raised my voice with her very sharply when I told her to do it again. This little heffalump raised HER voice and said, "Mommy! I will do it, but don't don't yell at me like that!" Ooooookay! Now, if you know me well, then you know this created a LOT of problems. I was actually quite torn because I DO want them to be able to stand up for themselves, BUT Lord, have mercy because I had to catch myself before I worked that hiney out!

I said a little prayer and took a few deep breaths before I calmly began the following exchange:

Me: First, let me say that I am sorry for yelling at you because I don't want to be a mommy who yells at you.
Lia: It's okay, Mommy. It was an accident.
Me: (sighing) That said, if you ever talk to me like that again, Baby, I am going to build smoke in your pants from tearing your butt up!
Lia: I'm not a baby! I'm four years old now.
Me: Go away.
Lia: Mommy, I'm sorry for being rude to you.
Me: It's okay, Baby. It was an accident.
Lia: Humph!

Y'all pray for me, please, 'Cause she's going to get hurt if she keeps playing with me like that. I'm just saying...

Just a note...

2009-05-07T17:54:00.000-05:00

Love you, my friend, and praying for each small step you take...

In the Eye of the Storm

2009-05-04T18:15:00.006-05:00

The unthinkable has happened. A friend of mine has experienced a devastating loss, and I am just so heartbroken for her. I honestly cannot begin to understand the depth of her grief right now, and I hate that I am unable to help her. Only she can walk out this painful journey, along with her husband and family.

I spent the weekend teetering between feelings of excitement, guilt, and deep sympathy. My girls' birthday was yesterday and I was so excited about them attending their first ever tea party. Then, I would think about and pray about my friend's situation and feel guilty that I had that fleeting moment of excitement about my girls' party while my sweet friend was making arrangements for her child's homegoing.

Sometimes life is just HARD.

I know that the Bible says that God's ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts (Luke 55:8), but trying to trust his plan even when you cannot trace them is such a hard thing to do. How do you, in the midst of tragedy, sit back and just ride? I know that THAT is what true faith and trust in God is all about-- praising him in the midst of our storms and giving him glory in the midst of tragedy. Faith. Trust. Learning to just... ride.

One of my favorite scriptures is Luke 12:48: "To whom much is given, much is required." But I wonder if the converse is also true? Is it then true that upon the one who experiences great tragedy, God bestows great anointing?

I'm going to think about that for awhile.

Happy Birthday, Princesses! (This post is for them-- birth story)

2009-05-03T23:11:00.008-05:00

Today is my twins' fourth birthday. It is hard to believe that the two little ones who were born so small are already on their way to becoming big girls! I feel as if we somehow skipped a couple of years along the way. Before long, they will be skipping down the hallways at school as kindergartners.

I remember the day I gave birth to them like it was yesterday. I had gone in to see my high risk OB for a routine doctor's appointment and was told that they would be delivered that day because one appeared to be in trouble. I was so scared! When the doctor stepped out to call my regular OB to inform him that I needed to be delivered ASAP, I frantically called my husband at work to tell him to get there quickly.

Within an hour, I was given an epidural and was in the operating room. Greg barely made it and changed into scrubs. I had seen countless episodes of the birthing shows on Discovery Health and knew what the surgery would entail, and I remember wanting to see it through the mirror, although I figured Greg would have objected. (Of course, later, he got to stand up and see it and I missed it all. I felt so cheated!

Anyway, Dr. Martin took out Baby A (Lia). He quickly held her up over the sheet for me to see before passing her off to one of the two NICU teams waiting to work on our preemies. Man, she was tiny! How could she possibly have been the larger twin? There had to have been some sort of mistake! That was all I could think about. Next, Tootie was taken out, but Dr. Martin didn't hold her up. He just immediately handed her off and they went to work. Baby B was the one who had been in trouble on the ultrasound! I didn't know what was wrong, but I figured it had to be something since they didn't let me see her. I heard faint cries that sounded so far off into the distance.

After a few minutes they brought the babies to me to see, but I was too afraid to touch them. I just stared at them, trying to engrave their faces on my heart. I gave them both light kisses before they, and Greg, were whisked away to the NICU and I was, once again, left alone.

A short time later, Greg returned from the NICU and told me the vitals. I couldn't believe it! The high risk OB had estimated Lia to weigh 4lbs, 3oz, but she only really weighed 3lbs, 4oz and was 16 1/2 inches long. He estimated Tootie to be 3lbs, 9oz, but she was the runt of the litter weighing in at 2lbs, 14oz and 16 inches long. Was I ever glad that I had my doctor's appointment that day! They had been in more trouble than anyone really knew.

Miraculously, neither required a respirator. They breathed on their own from the start and stayed in the NICU only to learn to feed from a bottle and grow. They thrived and shattered any of the doctors' expectations. Instead of 6 weeks in the NICU as estimated, they came home together in 20 days tilting the scales at 4lbs, 5oz and 3lbs, 8 oz respectively. (I really think kangaroo care was the key).

When we got home, no one wanted to hold poor little Tootie at first because she was sooo small. She was the feisty one, though, who used to slap the hands of the nurses she didn't like whenever they tried to touch her... yeah, that was at ONE day old! We laughed at her because she kept those fist balled up so tightly as if she were in fight mode all the time! LOL! She also looked a little funny because she was so small that one skull plate sat slightly on top of the other since her head was so little. By the time she was six weeks old, though, it was right! She might've been mean to some of the nurses, but she loved her mama and relaxed so much while resting skin to skin with me for hours at a time. Gosh, how I miss that time!

Lia, on the other hand, was a sweet little cuddler. She would keep this little smile on her face the whole time we did kangaroo care. Who would have known that she'd grow to be so fiercely protective of her little sister (by 4 minutes!)? Who would've known how bossy that sweet little baby would turn out to be! LOL. (Actually, in life, that is known as having LEADERSHIP qualities!)

Over these past four years, I have been so amazed at how smart my girls are in addition to their beauty (obviously!). These little miracles so often reflect the love of God in our lives, and I am eternally thankful for them.

I look forward to seeing the young ladies they will ultimately become. Where will they go to school? What will their careers choices be? Who will they someday marry? What will be their passions in life? I sit awake at night sometimes thinking about them, and other times I tiptoe into their room trying to steal just one more glance, etching just one more memory of them into my brain. I just can't wait to see the plan God has for their lives. Somehow, I know HIS plans for them are big ones.

Girls, you are too young to even read this right now, but know that Mommy loves you. In fact, Mommy loved the hope of you she carried (for twelve years!) until the blessing of you was made manifest. I have loved you for a long, long time, my sweet ones, and I will love you forever.

Happy Birthday, My Miracle Princesses!

Love,
Mommy

Out Sick

2009-04-22T10:27:00.003-05:00

I'm home from work today. I woke up this morning to get ready for work, but I got sick out of the blue. Our TAKS tests are next week, so I definitely didn't want to miss a minute. However, it became very clear that I've picked up a bug of some sort. I won't go into all of the gory details, but it is probably as bad as you can imagine.

My husband and the baby girls have been so sweet, though. Hubby went this morning and did the grocery and household goods shopping for me. He even bought things he is able to cook for dinner so I won't have to bother. The little ones are constantly telling me how much they love me and giving me little hugs. I spend so much time taking care of everyone else that it just seems so foreign to have people take care of me like this.

If tomorrow comes "and the creek don't rise", I will definitely try to make it back to work in the morning, though.

Pray for me!

I don't get it...

2009-04-22T10:15:00.003-05:00

A guy tried to run my cousin down yesterday. He was on a horse.

Let me repeat that. He was ON. A. HORSE!

No, they were not on a ranch or even in a field. She was getting out of the car to return to her apartment. She doesn't have covered parking and had to park a little ways from her actual unit. Out of nowhere, a guy came charging toward her at full gallop. When she quickly moved out of the way, he turned the horse around and came at her again! It was then that she realized the guy was trying to run her down. She took off running and screaming toward her apartment. She dashed through parked cars and changed direction several times to hold him at bay. Finally, she got to her unit where she beat on the door for her son to open it. It was like something out of a movie from what I hear. The guy, laughing about it, came charging full speed toward her again and jumped the curb and into her breezeway just as her son opened the door. She lives on the first floor and she and her son had to, literally, push the horse's head out of the doorway to get it shut! The police was finally called, but the guy rode off before they got there.

Da hell you say??! She should have shot the guy AND the horse for all of that foolishness and mayhem!

Well, maybe not the horse! But definitely the guy. Definitely!

Happy Easter!

2009-04-12T12:31:00.005-05:00

I want to wish you and yours a very Happy Easter. Know that no matter what this life may bring, Jesus is risen. He conquered death, hell, and the grave, and we are able to BE because HE IS!

Never forget this.

I know many people have cooked huge meals, have hidden umpteen Easter eggs, and have filled countless Easter baskets. That's all fine and good as long as you do not lose sight of what Easter really is about. It is about the resurrection of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Never, never forget this.

(Oh, and if you don't believe, you might want to check back next week, because this week will probably be all about JESUS.)

His Presence!

2009-04-10T17:40:00.004-05:00

Today has been an interesting day for me... interesting in a very good way!

First, my darling husband allowed me to sleep in this morning. He knew how tired I have been and keep the little ones at bay so mommy could sleep. When I did finally get up (around 8:00!!!), I fixed breakfast for the (little) girls. While cooking, our eldest, Brittney, came in and asked if she could talk to me.

This was huge!

Over the years, Brittney and I have gone from super close to almost strangers and back again. Some years I'm the greatest, wisest stepmom in the world, and in others, I am the Wicked Witch of the West and Greg and I are the worst parents EVER! Such is the life with a teenager who is now a young adult.

Anyway, she asked to speak with me today! I quickly put the cooking aside and we went into my bedroom to speak in private. She burst into tears and shared with me an issue she'd been dealing with. I couldn't believe it. She again trusted me to be the keeper of her hurts! Inwardly, I thanked God because clearly it was HE who had orchestrated the bridge across what often feels like a chasm between us. Of course, the little ones felt neglected and came into the room to get some mommy attention. I booted them out with the quickness because I was not going to pass up this opportunity to impart some of my pearls of wisdom (I hope!) into her life.

We had a wonderful talk, and I think the advice I gave her helped. My words cannot heal her heart's hurts, but I sure hope they applied some healing salve. In some parts of the conversation, she shared with me some things she told her friends. They were my words I had shared with her years ago! OMG, OMG, OMG! She retained some of the things I had said to her! God showed me in that instant that neither His promises nor words we speak into others' lives, whether good or bad, return void.

At one point, Britt and I started talking about the living room furniture (don't ask me why). I mentioned that her dad wanted some new sofas and she asked for us to give the current sofas to her. I was gripped with panic! I asked if she had found an apartment. After a couple of years of thinking she was old enough to move away from home, I realized that it was I who was not ready for her to leave. Why, she's still a baby. She couldn't possibly be thinking of leaving home. Heck no, she needed to finish school and get a job in her new field first. Oh, and she needs money saved, at least six month's worth, and...

Of course, she quickly assured me that she had not found an apartment. She simply wanted us to cover it with plastic and store it in the garage until that future time came. Bwahahahahaha! Still, I realized that I was not ready for her to leave home. She is still a baby after all. Um, yeah, she IS almost 22. And?

When I told my husband that she wants the sofas, he replied, "No, she can't have the sofas. She deserves more than the family's hand-me-downs. Whenever she decides to move away from home, surely we can afford to get her some new furniture of her own." I couldn't agree more. I can't wait to tell her she can't have the sofas. Knowing that I have a flair for the dramatic, I doubt I'll mention the new furniture until she is ready to move away and I take her to the furniture store with a budget and the freedom to pick what SHE wants.

More about today, though.

I eventually went back to cooking breakfast for the girls. Of course, instead of finishing the breakfast what I had started, Daddy gave them a little cereal while Britt and I were talking. *Insert sigh*

When I set their plates on the table, I walked back into the kitchen. Well, Tootie came in and said, "Mommy, you need to thank Jesus!" Of course, I quickly did. Lia came into the kitchen and repeated the request. After numerous times of them telling me to thank Jesus and me shouting "Thank you, Jesus", they finally sat back down and blessed their food. I was a little bit overwhelmed for a moment because I believe that Jesus, on this Good Friday, wanted to let me know that He is present and that He remembered me.

Lord, I thank you!

We've Got a Good Kid on Our Hands!

2009-04-07T21:26:00.003-05:00

You know how people seem to say just what you need to hear at the exact moment you need to hear it?

Well, that happened to me today. I have been very down about this school year. It has been a pretty trying year, and I am pretty much ready to get it over with so I can go back to the drawing board and start over with another crop of kids.

Yeah, I know it's unusual to hear me talk in such a manner. I know. **sigh**

When I dropped off the girls at the daycare provider's house this morning, she told me to remind her to tell me what one of the coaches had to say about my son. See, one of the coaches at my son's school is her next door neighbor. When we first moved to our current house and told her our son would be transferring, she informed us that one of the coaches lived next door and she would be happy to introduce Ryan to him. Well, as school got closer to starting, she took Ryan and me over to the house-- of course it was when they were having a cookout and ALL of the coaches and their families were there. So, Ryan got the chance to meet everyone in one fell swoop.

Fast forward to today.

She said he went on and on about Ryan and how the coach basically called him the total package-- athletic ability, academic ability, and just and all-around good kid. The coach told her just how rare it was to have an athlete that had all three strong qualities. He also told her that all of Ryan's teachers LOVE him because he is such a great student who works just as hard in class as he does on the field. She said he ended up the conversation talking about the many options Ryan will have for his college education - from big named programs to ivy league colleges.

That made my mother's-heart so proud!

I know that I did not birth Ryan from my womb, but God knows that kid was truly birthed in my heart. I also know that I am not a perfect parent, but hopefully I'm just perfect enough to get him the rest of the way.

I am so proud of my Ryan and of the mark he seems to be making on the world around him. I cannot wait to see just what else God has planned for him.

For right now, though, I am one proud mama.

Oh, I forgot to mention...

2009-03-28T11:12:00.001-05:00

As you can see, we didn't go down to Houston today. Apparently, Ryan is not really interested in Rice U and didn't want to waste our time going all the way there for Junior Day.

I'm gonna freeze my patooty off!

2009-03-28T10:34:00.002-05:00

It's 38 degrees outside and I have to get my butt up and dressed to go to Ryan's track meet today. I hate cold weather, but I love him, so off to the stadium I will go.

**Thinking out loud** I wonder, though, if I could just wait until this afternoon when it's warmer and get there in time to just watch the finals. Do you think he'd notice?

Update #1

2009-03-25T21:15:00.003-05:00

When I got my mammogram, the tech told me that I could expect the results in about 10 days. Sooner, though, if they saw a problem. Well, I got my results in the mail today. I figured it would be for additional testing since this was my baseline and they had nothing else to go on.

Anyway, I got it and they saw no evidence of breast cancer!

One thing is crossed off my list already!

Get Well Soon!

2009-03-24T20:54:00.006-05:00

My partner teacher brought cootie-laced airborne infection to school yesterday. LOL! She is actually pretty sick and now has laryngitis in addition to the rest of the crud she is dealing with. Despite the overwhelming urge to call her and say mean things, knowing she is unable to talk back, I won't. There are two good reasons for this: 1) Nothing good comes from kicking someone when they're down, and 2) She is holding our tickets and parking pass to the Texas Rangers game we'll be attending in a few weeks!

Bwahahahahahaha!!!

Seriously, please get well soon, Tammi! Call me if you need anything.

Oh, and in the words of our dear sweet Quannie-Moe: "Save my spot!" LOL!

Last Day of Spring Break

2009-03-22T20:55:00.002-05:00

It's back to work for me tomorrow. Statewide testing in a little over a month.

Is it just me, or did Spring Break feel more like a weekend than a week?

*sigh*

One More Thing...

2009-03-22T10:28:00.002-05:00

In reference to the previous post, I think I'm going to add a weekly update on my progress in OPERATION ME. I could really use the accountability.

Will you help to keep me straight?

Seeing Me For the First Time in a Long Time

2009-03-22T09:44:00.006-05:00

I caught a glimpse of myself getting out of the shower today. Trust me, it is a visual you DO NOT want! I thought, "Did I look this way yesterday?" I was not pleased with what I saw, knowing that I've been too busy and stressed out to really see myself... for a long time.

I went yesterday to get my baseline mammogram done. Yeah, I know I should have had that done when I was 35, but I let life get in the way. The first year, my excuse was the babies. The next couple of years, it was TAKS time and I didn't have time for it. Humph!

Why is it always that way? As women, we tend to put everything and everyone ahead of ourselves, much to our own detriment. I know there have been too many times to count when I have put the needs of my family, my friends, or my job ahead of my own. I don't even know how many times I have been sick as a dog, yet I'd pull myself out of the bed and forge ahead on wobbly legs just so I wouldn't disappoint someone who "needed" me.

Now, here I am struggling with my weight and my blood pressure with my hair standing all over my head wondering how I got to this place. The reality is that I know exactly how I got here. I put life and everything in it first, and I've had nothing left for ME.

But now I'm at a crossroads.

What good to anyone am I if I am dead? Sure, they love me and will miss me for a little while, but they will keep right on living and breathing and doing all the things I like to think they won't be able to do without me.

And what if my mammogram does show a problem? Other than solving the problem with my jacked up hair, how will I be able to take care of my business? I have GOT to get myself together. I look over at my husband and my kids and KNOW that it's something I HAVE to do.

Damn. (I hope that doesn't offend your delicate sensibilities!)

The problem is that I honestly don't even know where to start with fixing all of this. I've spent soooo many years trying to be all things to all people that I don't even know what it is I'm supposed to be to myself. I know I have to prioritize, but there's so much that I need to work on right now that I can't even think straight.

There is a lesson here.

Never, never, NEVER allow yourself to be so far at the end of your priority list that you forget to do you. I know it is so hard for women who are wives, mothers, employees, church members, daughters, sisters... The list can be never-ending. But we must, Ladies, be willing to carve out time for ourselves. We must. If not, we wake up one morning, much as I did today, wondering how on earth we let our bodies, our health, our (hair!), our weight, finances... (You get the message; just fill in your own list)... get to a point where we do not recognize them at all.

We are more important than that. I'm more important than that. I just forgot for several long moments who I am and whose I am.

But now I remember.

And I hope you do, too.

So, if you will stand with me, I will make this journey. I really want you with me. And I want to be here, too. Not just for my husband or my kids or my students or my friends, but for me.

Now, where was I? Did I mention my hair is a mess? I'm gonna have to cut it and start over. Yeah.

Y'all pray for me, okay?

An invitation: Please Read!

2009-03-21T12:14:00.005-05:00

A really close family member has a teenage daughter who is pregnant. The daughter just turned 16 and is very happy about it. The family's emotions have run the gamut, everything from shock and outrage to devastation, particularly since the girl admitted that she had indeed chosen to get pregnant so she could have someone to love her.

By all accounts (except hers, I guess), this child has been well-loved her entire life. What was it that could possibly have been missing? How could she possibly feel that bringing a baby into the mix would be the answer?

The girl I'm talking about comes from a good family. So does the boy. They have parents that are active in the church and in the community. The parents-to-be are very plugged in to their church youth groups. The Word has been firmly planted into them. Yet, they are still going to be teen-aged parents. Statistics. What happened here, and how do we address these issues in our community? And when I say our community, please do not think for a minute that I'm talking about race.

Maybe we need to open good, honest, dialogue here so we can address these issues before they crop up in our spheres of influence.

Have you ever been in the situation these two teens are in?
Have you ever felt you were unloved and, therefore, wanted to have a child to fill the void?
If you have been in this situation, was it really a feeling of wanting love or something else?
Knowing what you know now, what do you wish someone had told you as a teenager?
Do you feel the Church has a responsibility to address teen issues and sex in youth groups?
If yes, how do you feel the Church should go about meeting these needs?
Anything else on this issue you're wanting to add?

Feel free to comment on this post (and any of the others) with thoughts you may have on this subject, as I honestly feel we need to get to the bottom of this issue.

Spring Break

2009-03-18T09:20:00.007-05:00

I'm a really good teacher. I've said that many times before, I know.

But I am so glad to be on Spring Break.

I love my job. I love my students. I love the smell of a school. I love the cacophony of sounds. I love interacting with my peers. I love wearing the various hats I'm required to wear each day. No two days are the same and I love that about my profession.

Sometimes, though, it is all just too much and I need to get away to refresh and to refill my internal bucket that has to give so much that it often runs empty. I need a break from everything I love about my profession. The kids, the smells, the sounds, the peers, the hats. It. is. all. just. too. much. sometimes. (I probably shouldn't admit that, huh?)

Although quite wonderful, teaching is an increasingly difficult profession to last in. That is, if you really pour your all into it. I know people often hear of teachers who enter the profession lacking basic morals in addition to basic grammatical, spelling, and social skills. But for teachers who pour their hearts and souls into the students entrusted to them, teaching can be physically and emotionally draining. More and more often, students enter our schools lacking social and basic readiness skills. More and more often the parents who send such kids seem to be increasingly detached. As a result, a significant increase in teacher workload occurs. Not only do we teach Little Johnny or Little Lucy to read, write, and do arithmetic (the easy part), but we also end up being the keepers of little souls.

I am still surprised by the number of kids who reach my classroom door desperate for attention and validation and... love. I know part of it is just a natural part of child development. But for some, the need goes far beyond that.

Every year, there seems to be at least one student (some years way more than that) who does not have the basic level of Maslow's hierarchy of needs met. They show up at school the first week wearing the same shirt and pants every day. Or they show up without a lunch or lunch money every day, yet the application for free and reduced lunch is never returned from home. These are the kiddos who show up at school each day without basic materials needed for learning. These are the kids who wake up at 5:00 am so they can get breakfast and clothing ready for their siblings and themselves before seeing those siblings off to school because no adult showed up at home to see about them. These are the kids who are sleepy at school because they fled with their families in the middle of the night from a parent's abusive boyfriend or girlfriend. These are the kids who know their only meals for the day are the breakfast and lunch they will get at school since there is no food at home. These are the kids who take off their socks in class because their teacher looked down and noticed the holes in the dingy socks that reached far above their tattered shoes. These are the kids who may have a parent or family member at home, but they are so lost in their own despondency that they rarely utter a word to their children.

And this is in the suburbs.

Good teachers are the ones who stretch their family's already tight budgets to buy several additional sets of school supplies in anticipation of the students who will inevitably show up without them. Good teachers scour consignment shops as well as major stores during the winter and summer months in search of new or like-new clothing and shoes for the child/ren who show up without appropriate clothing for the seasons. Good teachers devise a plan to send clothes home in the backpacks, an outfit a day, until said child/ren have them all. Good teachers buy hygiene kits ahead of time to meet the needs of the kids who will show up without a bath and with uncombed hair. Good teachers stock up on crackers and trail mix and other non perishable items for students who come to school hungry or will go home to a hungry house. Good teachers have the school counselor on speed dial or email favorites to address any issues that crop up from day to day. Instead of visiting the lounge, many good teachers eat with their kids to keep their fingers on the pulse of the class, making mental notes of the kids who need extra attention.

Good teachers are now the safe place to run for many kids, a sanctuary as it were. By some grace of God, we are endowed with the ability to mix just the right salve to heal bruises to little hearts and bring encouragement to fledgling dreams. What a responsibility.

What an awesome, terrifying, and utterly draining responsibility.

Teaching is a difficult, yet rewarding profession. The course content, though a huge undertaking in and of itself at times, is really the easy part. Being the nurturer of a young person's dreams makes it so much harder and so much more precarious. How does one do it all and have anything left for their families at home? Why would anyone want to enter and remain in such a profession?

Just ask a good teacher and he or she might tell you that seeing a student open wings they never knew they had makes it all worth it. Or maybe it's when you receive a letter from a student telling you that if it were not for you believing in them, they would never have made it. For some, it may be seeing the face of a child the moment he "gets" a concept. No matter what the particular story is, most good teachers will agree that the reward is in knowing that you, in some small way, at some appointed time, made a profound impact on someone else's life.

And that, my friend, is what it is all about.

So please take every opportunity you find to fill up the bucket of a good teacher you know. This can be done through a kind word, a note of encouragement, a simple compliment... The sky really is the limit. The profession needs it, and our children need it, too.

Happy Birthday, Ti!!

2009-03-16T20:22:00.009-05:00

Today is my beautiful sister's birthday. I can't believe she is 26 years old already. I still remember her, three years old, chasing my sister Tiffany down the street while yelling Tiffany's nickname (much to her mortification!) for all the world to hear. I also remember her as an eight year old, skinny and all legs, when she came to stay with me in Killeen one summer. I still see her, lying on the floor with headphones on, singing the theme from "The Bodyguard". God, she had the world's worst rendition of Whitney Houston's "I Have Nothing"! I'm kidding! LOL!!! Then I think of her as a young woman who moved to a new city to attend art school and, later, acting school, following the dream in her heart.

To me, each of those moments seems like yesterday when they have really been years. Seriously, where has the time gone?

Happy 26th birthday, Tiara! I hope life brings you all the blessings and favor your heart and hands can hold this year and always!

Love,
Nikki

That Darn Insurance Company

2009-03-16T20:02:00.004-05:00

We recently had to change insurance companies. For the past nine years, the fam and I had been on hubby's health insurance. I guess I was totally spoiled rotten with the good benefits we enjoyed. Since he was economic victim number 5, 457, 912, we had to get insurance through my job. Wow is all I can say.

Just wow.

The differences are startling. I have no idea how people survive with this so called health insurance. One would think that a public school district would at least add good insurance benefits. Humph!

It looked fine on the surface... but then I actually had to use it this week. No problem because I'm insured, right? Well, I called the insurance company because I noticed my copay amounts were not printed on my card. It turns out that there are no copays. Sounds good, right? WRONG! It is all deductible and coinsurance. So, where I used to pay a $20 or $25 copay and the insurance picked up the rest at 100%, this company had a $350 deductible that had to be paid BEFORE they will pay anything... even for an office visit! After that, I would still have to pay 20%. Now, call me crazy because this may be how it is for most people, but this is not at all what I have grown accustomed to. The really bad part is that, when I need to take Ryan or the girls to the doctor now, I will have to pay a deductible of $350 for EACH of them before the insurance pays anything for them. They do stop the bloodletting at at a cap of $1,050 (three individual copays for a family), but still. I think this whole thing stinks!

Is it just me? Is this what you have had to put up with? Have I just been too spoiled to realize that this is what insurance coverage has been reduced to?

I'm Back!

2009-03-11T20:43:00.002-05:00

I've taken a couple of months off to focus on a few things that needed my attention. Now that it's all taken care of, I'm able to focus once again on my blog.

Has that ever happened to you?

Do you ever find yourself at a place in life where you know you have to make some changes, but you don't know where to start? I have been there lately and had begun to feel very overwhelmed. I just had to stop and breathe. Then I pulled it together and kept it moving.

If you ever find yourself in such a place, stop sooner rather than later. Take a deep, cleansing breath, pull yourself together, and keep it moving. You're no good to anyone if you're dead.

Better than... and other observations (a rant)

2009-01-17T18:08:00.005-06:00

Several things have irritated me today, so I thought on them and decided to speak on them.

First. Why is it that people think that just because children are small, they are stupid? People tend to give children much less credit than they are due. The fact that they may not have the vocabulary to express what they might be thinking or feeling does not preclude their propensity toward such thoughts and feelings. Get a clue.

Second. Children do react to tone of voice, no matter how hard a person tries to veil their particular brand of venom. They do pick up on body language, and they do recognize differences in the way they are treated as compared to other children. (That's a no-brainer!)

Third. I've learned that, in many cases, when people say something is about you, it really is not about you at all. For example, when a person goes around saying that you think you're better than they are when you've had no such thoughts whatsoever, the problem is not about you. For whatever reason, that person feels that you are better than they are. However, that person is not honest enough with him/herself to admit his/her personal insecurities.

Finally. If you approach a person with your latest bright idea and the person you approached is less than impressed, it is not that the person thinks they're better than you. Maybe your idea is just really stupid. If you disagree with their opinion, do not go on to complain to whomever will listen that the person always thinks your ideas are less than stellar. Instead, you should either move on or take your ideas to people who want to hear them and/or agree they are good. I really do not understand the need to constantly seek the approval of someone who thinks you have stupid ideas or make stupid decisions. Without delay, you need to figure out why your self esteem is so low.

That is all.

New Beginnings

2009-01-15T22:00:00.005-06:00

My husband lost his job today.

I came home after having a horrific day at work. Actually, it could have been a worse work day, but it was not a good one just the same. My husband, being the very practical sort, told me he needed to talk to me and then informed me that he had been "let go" today. Let go. Just two days ago, they were told that one site was being shut down and that every person except one at that site would be losing their jobs. His site thought they were safe for a few months at least.

Instead of getting all panicky, I really felt a tremendous sense of peace. I hugged him and told him that I was sorry it happened to him. Then I said, "God never closes one door without opening another, and you didn't like that job anyway."

Where had that come from?

He had worked for the company for almost 9 years, but he did not like it. It was not his passion by any stretch of the imagination. It was just a job, really. A job that he kept because the insurance benefits were very good. They completely covered so many things that many other plans would not dream of covering. It paid for all of the tests and procedures I underwent to finally have my babies. It paid for my high risk prenatal care and biweekly ultrasounds, my long hospital bedrest stay, and the outrageous NICU bill once the girls were born prematurely. It paid for the $1000 each RSV shots the twins got every month after they came home. It also paid for my oral surgery and for my once-a-year designer sunglasses with the polarized lenses. All at 100%. For that, he stayed and I am grateful.

Still, it was just a job. One that was a tremendous blessing at the time when a tremendous blessing was needed; but it was also a place where he was not truly happy and had become a chore to go to.

You see, I think we get so caught up in the business of day-to-day living that we fail to recognize when God has released us from something (or someone!) and moved our blessing somewhere else. There has to be very little worse than that. Now, my man has got to get with God and find where he is really supposed to be.

Instead of dread about how we're going to pay the bills, I feel as if a weight is lifted for some reason. We may have to eventually move into a smaller house or even a condo. That's okay with me. (Besides, when I mentioned this to our son, Ryan, he simply shrugged his shoulders and informed me that he doesn't really like this house anymore since the break-in). We'll have to really tighten our belts and cut out a lot of extras. Okay. We can do that. Maybe we won't be able to go on the trip I've had my eye on. Whatever.

Maybe now my husband can return to school (a dream that he gladly deferred when I voiced my own desire to return to school several years ago). Maybe this is his turn to finally follow his dreams.

The sky is the limit, really. I know the economy is pretty crappy right now. I realize that he might have to find another "job" in the interim. Maybe I'll pick up a private tutoring gig a couple evenings a week or for a couple of hours on Saturdays. The point is that whatever we need to do, WE will do because we're a team. We rise, we fall, we sink, and we swim TOGETHER. That's just how we roll...

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Great Blog Finds

2009-01-03T21:10:00.002-06:00

After spending far too much time reading some such nonsense on another blog, I decided to make better use of my time online. I visited a few other sites that were on blog rolls of sites I do visit and found some WONDERFUL sites. I found a great assortment of blogs that run the gamut. There is a really good entertainment/gossip site for times when I'm in that mood, and there were some that REALLY made me sit back and exhale. I look forward to engaging in some very thought-provoking discussions on issues of the day and getting to know a little more about some bloggers who are really doing it up in a big way. I feel like a kid a Christmas. I can't wait to see what's next.

Food for thought...

2009-01-01T13:39:00.009-06:00

I know lots of people who take great pride in the amount of time they spend creating fabulous meals in their kitchens. Those same people are usually the ones who have the Pottery Barn-type furnishings that I never want to bring my toddler twins around.

Don't get me wrong. I do like nice things and a nice, clean house, and my girls do know how to act when they are out and around other people's things. It's just that I am AFRAID to go to those homes. The furniture doesn't look sit-on-able and there is never anything out of place. Personally, I tend to look a little sideways at a person who has small children and an always impeccable house. Either they are tired and about to fall over from running around picking up things every five minutes, or their children are confined to one room in the house. Either scenario is unnatural, in my opinion.

But I digress.

I know how to cook and actually enjoy it on occasion, but most days it really is just something I have to do because food is a necessity of life. As a result, I do not spent oodles of money collecting sets of fancy dinnerware. Take the set in the picture, for example. It is a simple, inexpensive set of dinnerware that we use on a daily basis. If the girls happen to break a dish, no sweat. I didn't pay much for them in the first place... and dishes like the Hoppin' John pictured above taste just as good when served on them. However, I do have an expensive set that is almost NEVER used and is reserved for "special" occasions.

Silly Rabbit. You thought this post was about cooking and dishes, didn't you?

Here is some food for thought.

Why do we reserve things in life for special occasions? Shouldn't every day that we're alive be a special occasion? Is there ever really a time when the golden flatware is appropriate? Why not use the fine china just because it's a Tuesday? As I resolve to spend more time working on ME this year, I think each of us can benefit from taking a moment and finding that one thing in our lives that we have been reserving for special occasions. Is it the good wine? The platinum cuff links? The diamond earrings Grandma gave you on your wedding day? How about something as simple as time? Life is now. If we're not special to ourselves NOW, then when will the right time be? How can we truly say we live life to the fullest when we're not even willing to treat every day like it's special. Live life now, People, because tomorrow may be too late.

Seriously. Live life now. Start today.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
-Anonymous

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T08:00:00.001-06:00

As we usher in 2009, I want to wish you a year better than any you've ever seen. I wish you prosperity, health, peace of mind, and an increase in all areas that concern you. I pray that you are blessed beyond belief, and that you receive everything for which you have been standing in faith.

Love,
Undrea

Resolutions...

2008-12-31T20:42:00.004-06:00

If you're anything like me, your life saw its share of triumphs and shortfalls. I like to think that, at the end of the year, I am able to look back over my life and see more successes than failures. That said, there are a few key areas that I really want to focus my self-improvement energies.

I need to do better about taking charge of my health and my eating. No more of this eating on the run stuff. I feel like crap and am starting look like I feel. Uh-uh. I'm much too cute for all of that! I also need to focus more on saving more of what I make. I do put money back, but I need to get focused on regaining my debt-free status. In order to do that, I must back away from the sales racks. Finally, I need to regain my peace of mind in terms of dropping off the remaining toxic relationships I have been holding onto. I can't change people. That is not my job. Some I will have to love from a distance and leave them and their nonsense on the other side of the street. I know I can't conquer every area simultaneously, so these are my starting points. When one goal is reached, I will add another to the list.

I know better, so I resolve to DO BETTER!

Duh!

2008-12-31T20:38:00.001-06:00

It just dawned on my that I could upload images. *slapping self on the forehead!*

My Babies

2008-12-31T20:30:00.003-06:00

I am overwhelmed by just how quickly my babies are growing. It's so hard to believe that the little girls who are running around the house getting bigger by the day are the same little ones who fit in my shirt during kangaroo care.

I look at them and know there is a God...

Today is a good day

2008-12-27T08:56:00.003-06:00

I was in a very bad place last yesterday. It's super rare for me to feel as I did, and I am so glad I got a chance to get it all out. I also had a chance to think about changes I need to make-- personally, professionally, and relationally. I really want 2009 to be the best year ever. Only I can take the necessary steps to making that a reality in EVERY area of my life.

The Bible tells us to write the vision. As soon as I get it all formulated in my head, I will be back to write it all here and put it on record.

Until then...

Happy Birthday to my cousin, Jackie, who is... *sigh* I don't dare reveal her age!
Congratulations to my friend and teammate, Lisa, on getting married today!

Thanks

2008-12-27T08:54:00.001-06:00

to my dear sisterfriend, Tammi. You know why...

One more thing...

2008-12-26T10:15:00.004-06:00

Oh, and for the one who just called listing off all of the nice things you got for Christmas: Did it never occur to you that while I was busily juggling all of your cares that you cast on my plate, you didn't get me anything? Not that life is about taking score or anything, but still...

F*** you, too!

Sometimes You Just Gotta Be Selfish

2008-12-26T09:51:00.004-06:00

Call this my allowed-once-a-year pity party. Call it a rant. Call it whatever the heck you like, but I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I am not a selfish person. In fact, I probably spend more time being the least selfish in the bunch-- almost to my own detriment. I spend the majority of the year running around from point A to point B trying to get things done... mostly for other people. I give all day on my job and then come home and give some more. Whether someone has a problem, a deadline, needs something filled out, needs money at the last minute that I have to somehow pull outta my ass, or just needs a last minute miracle because God is a little busy taking care of really important stuff, people come to me.

Nikki can do it. Let her handle it. She's good at that. She knows what to do. She can help me with that. She knows where to find it. She has all the answers. Let me just pile her plate up more and more and more with all my f*ing problems so I can feel better about myself. She's used to giving. Giving. Giving. Giving. Giving. Let me continue to take, take, take, take, take, and draw from her never-ending bucket without ever refilling it with anything. Just so that I can feel better about myself...

Well, you know what? My bucket is empty. I've got nothing else to give. Nothing. Nichevo. Nada. I'm done. Why do I have to tell you what to do all the time? Why do I have to mildly suggest that you do something that you know you should be doing in the first place? why do I always have to be the one you try to put down in order to pick yourself up? Why should I always have to be the one to cheer you on or to talk you down from the ledge? The answer is that I DON'T. And I WON'T. Not anymore. I'm done. Done. Done. Done.

Okay, I got that out. I'm better now. You are free to move about the country...

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-25T19:01:00.002-06:00

I'm so disgustingly sick of political correctness. No one can say anything, it seems, for fear that someone will be offended. Well, you know what? Get over it or go somewhere where people say and believe the things you say and believe. Here, it's Christmas! Not Happy Holidays. Not Season's Greetings. Not Winter Wishes. Christmas. As in CHRIST. As in JESUS.

Jesus is the reason for this (and any other) season. So, Merry CHRISTmas!

Finally, someone who gets me

2008-12-25T18:32:00.005-06:00

I've always been the kind of person who has had very few friends and several acquaintances. I guess that comes from growing up the way I did. Because of it, I've had trust issues and often find it hard to allow people beyond the mask. I guess the bottom line is that I am afraid of them somehow disappointing me. Maybe it's the other way around as well. Consequently, I find myself drawing back when it seems as if they are getting just a little too close. Just keep it superficial and everything is okay.

Well, something weird has happened. Last spring, my teaching team and I interviewed some teachers to replace two who were leaving (One was moving to a lower grade level and the other decided to stay home with her child). One of the openings would be my direct partner teacher. None of the applicants seemed to be "just right". They seemed nice enough, knowledgeable enough, and friendly enough, but none were quite right... until Tammi showed up. She had come to the interview after just a couple hours of sleep. Her mother-in-law had just passed and she actually left the funeral out of state to make the interview. She was smart and funny and had the right answers to our questions. I think everyone agreed she was a good match until... she mentioned she was the head of the social committee at her last school and enjoyed doing things together after work. (Insert sound of car tires screeching to a halt).

I could feel the other teammates' eyes on me when she said that because I do NOT like to hang out with my coworkers after work. Ummm, no. That's just not my thing. After the interview, the others thought I would immediately eliminate her from consideration, but there was something about her that I liked. A lot.

She did end up getting the job and we have become fast friends. In fact, she and I actually do hang out at work and after work. We immediately clicked, and she is quickly becoming my best friend. Coworkers, administrators, and even students often comment that we are just alike. We say the same things and think the exact same way, which is probably not a good thing since most of the comments we tend to hold in are rude! LOL!!!

I suppose the whole point I'm making here is that it's not good to prejudge people, especially based on our hangups. Had I disqualified her based on mine , I would have missed out on a really good friend and an outstanding partner teacher.

Slowly emerging from the fog

2008-12-25T18:14:00.004-06:00

Well, I've needed to post for the last several weeks, but when it came time to do so, I just didn't feel like it. I don't know why, but I have been so down this holiday season. I shopped for the girls more than I probably should have. I guess I was trying to fill some kind of void. On the bright side, though, I found everything on sale and their faces told it all when they opened their gifts and ran around shouting, "Ooh, Mommy. I got a _______! I love it!!!"

When I last posted, I mentioned my friend whose father was terminal. Well, her dad passed, as did her son's father-in-law. It was pretty sad. Then, to top it all off, her dear husband's cancer had spread and they were going to have to go through surgery and treatment for him. I know that God makes no mistakes and that He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above anything we could ever ask or think. It's just that the humanly part of me can't help but feel so sad.

Besides that, I have felt such anxiety from hosting Christmas dinner. With certain members of my family, it seems that there is no get-together that is complete without their drama. I've spent the last few weeks really anticipating the nonsense. It did come with the territory, but I think I've gotten so much better with handling it without going the heck off. I call that progress!

Wise Beyond Her Years

2008-11-29T09:32:00.002-06:00

As you should know by now, the princesses are prodigies of sorts. Tootie tends to be the free-spirited, fun loving twin and Lia is the more studious, deep thinker with a mature sense of humor. Both are beyond smart.

Yesterday, Tootie had to be taken to urgent care because she doubled over and started complaining about a stomachache. It turns out that she is a little bit anemic and has a urinary tract infection. (Not sure what caused either thing for her, but she is on antibiotics and will be following up with the pediatrician.) Anyway, Tootie is NEVER sick and hates taking medication with a passion. So, the idea if having to take an antibiotic TWICE a day is pure torture.

Well, last night after finally getting her to take the medicine, Tootie began pulling down her pants and heading to the bathroom seemingly to potty. She returned a hot second later and announced that she had spit the medicine out. I ran to the bathroom and saw that, sure enough, she had spit it all out into the toilet. I was so upset with her. Cool-headed Lia, though, took control of the situation. She went and got the medicine and dosing cup and said, "Tootie, you ARE going to take your medicine right now!" She handed the dosing cup to me and, obediently, I redosed, but at a smaller amount in case Tootie had swallowed something the first time. Tootie did take it and I checked her mouth to make sure it was gone. Then, I turned to pick up the bottle of medicine only to find that it was gone. Here is the exchange:

Me (to no one in particular): Where did the medicine go?
Lia: I put it on the counter in the kitchen.
Me (giving her a hug): Wow, Lia. You really know exactly what mommy needs sometimes before I have to ask. What would I do without you?
Lia: You would ask Daddy.
Me: So, true. So true. Baby, you are wise beyond your years.
Lia(giving me a hug): I know.

BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Giving Thanks

2008-11-26T18:35:00.012-06:00

It's Thanksgiving and I've been a little down. See, I put up many walls to my heart, but when someone finds their way on the other side, they are more dear to me than anything. When they hurt, I hurt... badly.

On Tuesday, I spoke with my friend and found out that she was on her way to see her father. Hospice was on the way over, and they were not sure if he would make it to Thanksgiving. Her daughter came in from out of town, and her son was going to have to do double duty since hospice was called in for HIS father-in-law as well. I was just too down for words. Then my friend said something to put it all back into perspective for me:

I'm not sad, though because my daddy knows the Lord. He will finally get a chance to see who he has spent his whole life waiting to see, and he won't be sick and suffering when he does.

Isn't that what it's all about anyway? In the midst of making a life for himself and his family, her daddy never forgot that he was also WAITING for something much bigger and better than the big house in the right neighborhood, the status cars and gadgets, and the never-ending list of the season's must-haves... Hmmmm.

We walk around here so busy all the time, running from project to project, task to task. We often seem to forget to stop and be thankful for the blessings of the day. Maybe it's just me. I mean, I love to say prayers with my girls at night and thank God for the blessings of the day. But the sad truth is that I sometimes rush through the prayers and think of them as no more than an item to be checked off of my daily to-do list. Just typing that confession fills me with a tremendous feeling of shame and sadness.

You see, I often think about the goals I've set and have yet to reach, and I allow them to sometimes overshadow the real blessings that mean everything to me. Here it is, I have a nice home in a good neighborhood, a vehicle I didn't even have to go shopping for. I just called and said what I wanted and it was delivered to my door. I have a job that really DOES make a difference. I have healthy, beautiful children who were born from my womb to supplement the healthy, beautiful ones born in my heart. I have a husband who loves to come home to his wife and children after work every day. I still have both of my parents, and I know my family all loves each other, despite our halos being a bit crooked. And I have great friends who love me and are there for me whether they are down the street or across the world.

Yes, I am a very blessed woman indeed. I am just sorry that I sometimes forget to acknowledge them because I've allowed myself to go about the business of forgetting that I, too, am waiting for something much bigger and better than the accoutrements of this life.

So, as we go about the business and "busy-ness" of this season, let us remember to laugh often, to love hard, and to strive to be a blessing and learn something along the way. This is not our home, folks. We are simply passing through on the way to something truly great.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Three Year Olds' Christmas Lists and Other Problems

2008-11-22T20:40:00.006-06:00

Would someone please, please, PLEASE help me to understand how and why my three year olds climbed into bed with me this morning with the big toy books from Toys R Us and Walmart, a notepad, and a pen so we could make out their Christmas lists. I honestly don't know where they get these things. I mean, one twin perused one book while the other twin was careful not to miss anything in the other book. Whenever they found their "must-haves", I had to write it down on the notepad (with the pen they also supplied, mind you). Ummm, yeah...

So, if anyone is interested in the must-haves of the season for children aged 2-4, please let me know. No, really. I have the ENTIRE list.

Oh, and just an aside... If you're able to explain the aforementioned events to me, could you also explain why they are currently sitting under the desk eating a slice of pizza and looking through the circulars? Thanks in advance!

Pizza Hut--Blacklisted!

2008-11-22T20:37:00.004-06:00

Pizza Hut is the latest establishment to be added to my personal blacklist. I placed an order tonight and received the worst ever customer service. If you know me at all, you know how highly I value great service. You also know that I have already lodged a written complaint to their corporate offices. I'll keep you posted on their response.

They made me do it!

2008-11-12T14:09:00.004-06:00

Now, I pride myself on being professional in most situations. Yesterday, though, not so much. I had been sick as a dog and was trying to make it through the day since I needed to give a curriculum assessment to my three classes. Well, on the way to daycare, Kalyn (Tootie) announced that she had to go potty. There was no place to stop at the time, so I told her she was going to have to hold it until we got to daycare at Ms. Jena's house. She gave me a weak, "Okay" so I knew she was struggling to hold it. After two more, "I have to pee-pee's" I stopped at this Shell station that also serves at a corner market/liquor store that I saw. Mind you, it was raining, so I had to take both girls out of the van in the rain, sick as a dog, with one child on my hip and one holding my hand while trying to balance the umbrella over the three of us somehow.

Well, I got to the door of the store and asked if they had a bathroom. Here is how the exchange went:

Me: Excuse me, but so you have a bathroom?
Older Korean Lady: Bah-woom?
Me: Baath-rooom. You know, restroom, potty, toilet, bathroom?
Older Korean Lady: Baaahk (pointing to some doors at the back of the store)

At this point, I am running through the store with the girls pleading with Tootie to hold on just a minute more. We got to the doors and found both doors locked. I turned to the front of the store and asked which door was the bathroom.

Younger Korean Man (who had been watching the entire thing): Bathroom no work.
Me: Then why in the heck didn't you say something when I asked at first?
Younger Korean Man: Bathroom at laundry mat down sigh-walk.
Me: You should've said that at first, hell! (I know. I NEVER talk like that around my girls, but I was ready to shank a fool at that moment.)

So, we go racing down the sidewalk of the strip center to the laundry mat where I once again pleaded with Tootie to just hang on a minute. Then I noticed for the first time that we had to walk through a bunch of guys who were waiting to be picked up for day laboring jobs. One even had the nerve to try to holler. I mean, did anything about my foul azz expression lead him to believe that I was looking for a damned date? I was REALLY ready to shank a fool at that point. We finally got to the laundromat and its nasty azz bathroom (no, it was really dirty). I didn't allow the girls to touch ANYTHING and held them up over the toilet to use it. When we got to daycare, I scrubbed their hands and mine.

I'm proud of Tootie for holding it as long as she did when I know she really had to go badly, but I'm telling you. If she had had an accident in that store, I would've been on the news because I was just that pissed.

I'm better now, and, thankfully, my girls didn't seem to notice the "hell" I added at the end of my exchange with the Korean dude. Please pray for me and my temper 'coz I really can't stress enough just how badly I was ready to set it off in that store.

Are You Smarter Than a Three Year Old?

2008-11-12T13:50:00.005-06:00

Okay. I know most parents like to believe that their children are geniuses and everything they do is ahead of the curve. I am no different, and I am always amazed at the things they come up with. Take this morning, for example.

I am home from work today because I've been VERY sick and tried to ride it out. Finally, I just couldn't make it any further and had to break down and go to the doctor. Well, this morning Eliana (Lia) came up to me and said, "Mommy, E is for Eliana." I responded, "Why, yes it is. E is for Eliana." At the time, I was sending another copy of my substitute lesson plan to my partner teacher and giving her some instructions to pass along to the sub. Since I was on the computer, I asked Lia to point out an E to me (She knows all of her letters and numbers, mind you). To my surprise, she pointed to the number 3. I said, "No, Lia, that is incorrect. That is NOT the letter E. That is the number 3. Where is the letter E?" Lia looked at me with doubtful eyes, almost as if she thought her mommy, the teacher, was an idiot. She then pointed to the letter W. I said, "No, Lia, that is NOT the letter E. That is the Letter W." At that point, lia had had just about enough of me. She said, "No, Mommy. That is an E. See?" She then turned the computer keyboard to the right so that the W looked like an E (actually it looks like the Greek symbol Sigma, but you get it). Then, she turned my keyboard around until the number 3 looked like an E. At that point, she said, "See, Mommy. It's an E."

My response, you ask? There was nothing I could say but, "Well, I see that you are right when you turn the keyboard around. But just out of curiosity, if you didn't get to turn the keyboard around, which letter would be the E?" She replied, "Here's the real E" and pointed to the letter E. Then she got off my lap and announced that she was going to play with Daddy instead.

Sigh. Whatever!

Coke is NOT the real thing!

2008-11-12T13:27:00.002-06:00

As a consumer and otherwise concerned American, I am so NOT happy with Coca-Cola. I understand that a business' bottom line is important, but I am not pleased with the way they are going about it.

You see, on December 1 (just a few weeks before Christmas, mind you), Coca-Cola will be laying off people here. Their offices handle much of the collections and back office type work. The operation is being outsources to Guatemala. Earlier in the year, there had been some buzz about this and which of the countries overseas would actually be the recipient of the outsourcing. Well, here it is.

Now, this is not the part I think is so cold. The severance package they announced earlier this year SUCKS! Apparently, employees will receive one week of pay for each year they've worked there. So, the lowly employee with one year of service would only get one week's pay. That's it. So, there will be a lot of kids this year wondering why Christmas missed their houses. Oh, and they have even been holding meetings telling the employees that their numbers are down and that they have to get productivity up. Ummm. Hello!!! You're firing them in a couple of weeks and you're wondering why in the hell morale is low?!! Let me help you here, Mr. Coke Guy. You're giving their jobs away to the Guatemalans you're currently training! But, to Coke's credit (I say this with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek), they are holding job search classes to help the employees get their resumes together so they can find other jobs. Ummm, one more thing, Mr. Coke Guy... the F-ing economy is on the verge of collapse and unemployment is the highest it's been in a decade! There's pretty much NO ONE hiring at year's end, you MORON!

I guess you can tell that I'm sooooo pissed, huh? It's just that, in light of all of the problems with the economy IN THIS COUNTRY, we have a company that has been pretty much synonymous with every American pasttime throwing even more Americans into the unemployment lines for the sake of a few more dollars, much of which will end up in senior level executive's pockets.

That's just great, Coca-Cola. You've lost my business and the business of many Americans, I hope, once this story gets out. Hey, but at least you're helping to boost the economy of Guatemala. Too bad that when vendors have to call you with an issue, they will be speaking to people who they can barely understand. As it is now, your IT department is in India and your employees have to wait up to two weeks to get logins and passwords that work.

Coke, you SUCK!!!! I hope you remember how you've treated your American employees when you want a government bailout within the year because your sales are down.

Politics Schmolitics

2008-10-06T12:24:00.005-05:00

I frequent a site that belongs to a friend of mine. In light of the current political race, there is great deal of conversation about the getting-ever-so-heated race to the White House. Everyone who comments, from what I have seen, favor one candidate over the other. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The problem I see is that there is this sentiment that if a person is not of the same political opinion, then that person is in some way not as smart as the rest of the enlightened folks. Call me crazy, but I often find myself playing devil's advocate for the opposing side.

You see, I believe in a fair fight. Even though we will more than likely agree on the candidate we're supporting in the end, I do not believe in blindly following any candidate. While I don't think my friend does this, I get the sense from some respondents that no matter what is said or done, their ears are completely closed to anything that is not in complete support of their chosen candidate. I think blind faith in a person is very dangerous. It's not just on that site either. I see and hear these exact things, just on the opposite side, with another group of people I'm friendly with.

Both sides consist of people who are highly intelligent, well-educated, well- read, and well-traveled. Yet, both sides will go to the death declaring that the other is misguided, unintelligent, and obviously out of touch with reality. Both sides tend to agree on one thing-- that the other is somehow not as highly evolved as they are.

So, where does the truth really lie? What really is in the best interest of the future of America? Both sides agree that there has to be change in some way. But, what is change? What does it look like? How elusive is it really that so many intelligent Americans cannot agree on it when they see it?

I'm so sick of people supposedly breaking down the issues in a nonpartisan way, while all the while including their slants and biases in creative wording as they break down the issues in a nonpartisan way. So, I'm going to break down the issues myself. I will include my opinions in a separate post after I present "just the facts." Maybe in doing so, we'll see which candidate really stands for what we stand for. Maybe there will even be a couple of surprises along the way. The election is a month away. Politically, that is an eternity.

I'm a pin cushion

2008-10-06T12:00:00.003-05:00

Well, I've really gone and done it this time. If you know me at all, you know that I am a chronic shoulder-dislocater. For the past several weeks, I've been dealing with my latest dislocation-- the right shoulder this time, mind you. I apparently dislocated it while I slept. When Greg walked into the bedroom, the sound startled me, causing me to sit up quickly. That sudden movement is actually what popped it back into place.

I guess the good thing is that I already have shoulder immobilizers at home, so I was able to put it in a sling and go to work. As I walked through the halls, the fifth graders (My last year's fourth graders) simply replied, "Again?" Yes, again dammit! I guess it could have been worse, though. At least it went back in place without having to go to the hospital. I always hate when I cannot reset it because the paramedics have to come and they always ask the same questions repeatedly and look at poor Greg sideways because they think he's beating me up or something. In the midst of that excruciating pain, I always feel so sorry for my wonderful husband. He can't help me and people look at him like he's an abuser.

Anyway, one surgical group came very highly recommended by staff members as well as the nurse, so I agreed to see them. They were in network on the insurance and everything. However, I also researched and found another group that only deals with shoulder injuries. I liked the idea of them being shoulder specialists. They, too, were in network. I was really torn. What's a girl to do? I ended up going to see the group that was recommended by my peers. The people were nice enough, but the surgeon came in and said, "When I received my training, the only way to repair the shoulder of a chronic dislocater like yourself was to cut the whole thing open to fix it. Shoulder surgeries are much more advanced now. I can do your surgery, true, but you shouldn't want me to." Oooo-kaaaay. I appreciated the honesty and the fact that they were sending my paperwork ahead to a group of shoulder specialists they refer to and all, but still... What about my wasted copay?!

You already know where this conversation is going, don't you? I got the call from the shoulder specialists and... you guessed it. They were the same ones I considered calling in the first place! The doctor I'm scheduled to see is a former pro baseball player. I guess that's a neat thing. I just hope he is able to help me. I see him tomorrow afternoon, so I'll be able to update more after that.

Happy Anniversary!

2008-09-03T19:16:00.007-05:00

Ten years ago today, my husband, Gregory, and I vowed to share our lives together. I can honestly say that I love him more now than I did ten years ago. We have grown together in so many ways. It's funny to think that we almost never were even a couple!

Greg is nine years older than I am, so, although he liked me, he was afraid that I might be too young for him. We flirted back and forth and I always thought he would ask me out, but he never did! So, I decided to take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and made the first move. I made small talk with him like we'd done so many times before. After a while, I finally got up the nerve to make my move.

Me: You know, I always got the impression that you were going to ask me out, but you never did.
Greg: I guess I missed my chance, huh?
Me (with a sly, flirtatious smile): You have not because you ask not.

I walked away at that point, making sure to add a little extra umph to my stride (and so he could catch a glimpse of the bootay!) He asked me out later that day, and we've been together ever since!

I still laugh to myself when I think of how far we've come in our ten years of marriage. Our life together has truly been a journey. We've gotten one child out of school, another in his junior year, both as honor students. We have beautiful twin girls who light up our lives, and we have a marriage that is solid. God has been good to us, even through the toughest of storms-- and we've weathered our share of those as well.

Whenever I think about my love, I think about his eyes. They truly tell the story-- our story. Each time I look into his eyes, I remember. Days... events... moments frozen in time. I remember the worry throughout my numerous illnesses, procedures, and surgeries-- no one has ever been so concerned about me. I remember the very moment he looked at our premature daughters, barely six pounds in total. The look of fear was there from being responsible for two brand-new lives, so tiny and helpless; but the look of pride was also present when he immediately recognized fighters when he saw them. Then, I saw hope in knowing that they would one day make indelible marks upon the world while all the while trusting us to be their very first teachers, their loudest cheerleaders, and as my friend Janice said today, their soft place to land. I remember the look of pride whenever he talks about the kids or me. I remember the look in his eyes when we rededicated our lives to each other in a ceremony held just for the two of us. The love I saw there was so deep, so strong and so unyielding. Over the years, I've seen so many things in the depths of his eyes, and I am so honored to have been blessed to share time and space with a man who loves me and our family in the deepest, strongest, purest love possible.

Happy Anniversary, Gregory. You truly are the love of my life.

Kudos to Senator Obama

2008-09-02T00:15:00.004-05:00

It did my heart good to hear Sen. Obama's response to the Gov. Palin family crisis. What a classy (and yes, politically savvy) stand to take to reiterate that people's families are off limits in political attacks. I love a fair fight and hope everyone decides to play by those rules.

Am I being too idealistic?

GOP: Stupidity or Political Genius?

2008-09-01T19:11:00.005-05:00

On virtually every website I've visited today, there has been almost as much mention of Alaska governor and Republican Vice Presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, as there has been on Hurricane Gustav. So, let me add my two cents to the mix.

I've thought about this candidate selection over the last few days and can't decide whether it was one of pure stupidity or pure genius. The more my musings continue (and maybe the more exhausted I become), I'm beginning to lean toward the latter.

Let's really look at this.

First, when the announcement was made that John McCain had selected his running mate and that it was a young (44), nice-looking woman named Sarah Palin, the governor of Alaska, I, like most Americans, immediately said, "Who?" I think it was very important for the GOP to counter the sentiment of many moderates and independents who believed that McCain was such a champion of the current administration and, thereby too close to them for comfort. They had to find someone who had at least some leadership experience without the long-standing status as a member of the "good old boy's" club. So, here is this relatively unknown rising star in the Republican party, a governor (albeit a relatively new governor), a former beauty queen (that one is for the guys), and a mother of five (appeals to women). A virtual political trifecta, right?

Second, she brings something to the table that will appeal to most Americans after the dust settles. What is it you ask? Well, let me put it this way: when we ask Americans what is the biggest concern affecting them right now, it is not the war in Iraq or abortion. It is the high cost of gas. Well, Republicans have been looking at exploring for oil offshore of Alaska. Oh, lookie here! Sarah Palin is the governor of (let's say it together now) ALASKA! Hmmm. If you want your gas prices to go down and have us not as dependent upon Saudi oil, then here's the party for you. I can hear it now: A vote for McCain/Palin is a vote for lower gas prices. Most of the portion of Americans I refer to as "sheeple" will eventually look at this and say, as if in a trance, "Must get lower prices. Must get lower prices." Here is where I feel this pick is pure genius.

Now, Palin is not without her own baggage. Immediately, rumors abounded about the youngest of the clan actually belonging to her daughter and that she faked the pregnancy. Although in the photos I could drum up, she did not look pregnant (especially with her fifth child), things looked suspicious, yet doubtful as to the pregnancy being faked. Now, there seems to be an announcement that, despite the daughter, now 17, not being baby Trig's mother, the teen (named Bristol) is actually pregnant out of wedlock and planning to marry the baby's father. Wow. This is getting to be too hard to keep up with. All they need is a tap-dancing monkey, a partridge, and a pear tree.

Now, I hear people pointing and saying things like, "Oh, look at her and all those hypocritical Republicans." First of all, not all Republicans are bible-thumping hypocrites, just as not all liberals are whining welfare recipients waiting for the next round of governmental handouts. Not all black people have bad credit and babies out of wedlock. Not all white people have good credit and are closet racists. Not all Asians are smart. Not all Hispanics have lots of kids and live 14 people to a house. These over-reaching stereotypes are just plain stupid! Wake up, People, and stop being stupid!

Having said all of that, the conspiracy theorist in me can't help but, at least for a moment, toy with the possibility that this recent announcement about Bristol Palin is indeed a cover-up for the girl actually being Baby Trig's mother. Seeing that one recent photo I saw shows Bristol with a pretty full bosom (which could indicate being pregnant or recently giving birth), she could be pretending to be pregnant now (to explain the fuller bosom) and soon, conveniently "lose" the baby she's carrying. In that scenario, speculation would be off of them about Trig since she couldn't possibly be pregnant at the same time she would have delivered baby Trig. Plus, she would not be under the gun, so to speak, about having to get married, and all of this would soon blow over and be seen as simply a teen mistake.

If indeed this is the case, I am so upset at how this is all so unnecessary. They could have just owned up to it from the beginning and been done with it. Teens make mistakes. We can do without all of these lies to cover up lies to cover up even more lies. I'm wondering if the idea to hatch the fake pregnancy plan came about when it was discovered that Palin's name was listed as a potential GOP VP pick. It would completely undermine all she represented if she appeared on the scene with an unmarried and pregnant teenage daughter who obviously did not heed the abstinence lessons her mom so strongly supports.

Of course, this is only me toying with the worst case scenario. I sincerely hope there was no cover-up here and that this family is a victim of a teen making a choice that goes against the family's beliefs. We all struggle with our teens in one way or another, so my heart goes out to them. If not for the grace of God, we might have found ourselves in a similar position, so I'm not one to cast stones at them.

Advanced Maternal Age

2008-08-31T12:19:00.003-05:00

All this talk about the new Republican Vice Presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, had me thinking about this today.

I REALLY hate the term, "Advanced Maternal Age."! It's as if we're saying that women have an expiration date of 35 (or younger!) if they're to be able to have a child. That is just nonsense to me! We live in a society where people are living longer and delaying marriage and childbirth. As a result, we see women- like a good friend of mine- who are having their first children at the age of 43. Yeah, I know all about diminished ovarian reserve and the higher incidences of chromosomal abnormalities such as Down's Syndrome, but still-- we are hearing more and more often about women extending childbirth years well into their fifties. Heck, a couple have even been upwards of 70! (Although, that is taking it waaaay too far, in my opinion).

No, I'm not looking at trying for just one more. There will be no more for us, at least not of the biological variety! I have several friends who are or will soon be cycling (two are doing IVF and one is doing a medicated IUI right now). Plus, one friend is talking about doing another cycle within the year to add a sibling, and one of my partner teachers has suffered many losses and is looking at having a child. Each of the people I'm thinking of are considered advanced maternal age in medical terms, although to know them would suggest no such thing.

Traditionally, a woman is labeled AMA when she becomes pregnant at the age of 35 or older. However, when I (finally!) became pregnant with my twins, I was sent to see a maternal-fetal medicine specialist, or perinatologist, because I was considered high risk for several reasons. I do suffer from hypertension and knew that would be an issue in addition to my carrying multiples, but the doctor put AMA on my chart as well.

Oh, hell no! Pump the brakes!

Me (oh, so sweetly): Excuse me, Doctor, but you put 'AMA ' on my chart, but I am only 33. When I have the babies I will only be 34.

Doctor: Yes, that's true for a singleton, but with multiples, we consider people AMA at the age of 33.

Well, I'll be damned! Women are in the news often these days for having babies at 58, 62, and even 70. So, how did I get to be considered "Advanced Maternal Age" at 33? They offered me an amniocentesis and everything! I declined that, though, because the results had no bearing whatsoever on whether or no we would keep the babies, and the pregnancy proceeded pretty well. It's just that that label stuck in my craw the entire time. Humph! Advanced maternal age my eye! Some days I'm a bigger kid than my (now) toddlers!

Of course, I usually have to take a long soak in a hot bath of lavender-scented epsom salts after all that youthful exuberance, but still...

It's High School Football Time!

2008-08-31T11:25:00.008-05:00

I went to Ryan's football game on Friday night. Greg decided to stay home with the girls because he was really exhausted from his day and wasn't feeling too well. I was tired, too, but one of us has to go to support Ryan's team, so it was me. To my surprise, my mom also wanted to go!

The atmosphere was great! Mama and I excitedly made our way through the crush of bodies and the sea of chatter all around. All traces of the fatigue I felt on the way there melted away and I was ready to be loud, rowdy, and proud! (Okay, not too rowdy 'cause I don't really 'get down like that', but you get the picture). It was almost time for the teams to burst onto the field when they showed up! Think of the tightest, shortest outfits you can and you'll begin to get an idea of what some of the hot mamas at the high school wore. All I could see was BANG! POW! and BOOM! I really wondered if their mothers saw them before they left the house. They could not possibly have allowed this. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, the unthinkable happened-- the group of young "ladies" opened their mouths to speak.

In the words of Florida Evans, "Damn, damn, DAMN!"

I saw flashes of gold teeth (who still does that?), and heard cussing and ebonics (and not all of them were Black) until I felt my ears would bleed. A couple of the girls looked behind them, saw my teacher badge, and shushed the others. Surprisingly, they looked back and one even apologized. I was shocked and then embarrassed about pre-judging them by their appearance. After all, they seemed to have some redeeming qualities. In the end, I decided that they were probably good kids who either acted like that to fit in, or they'd learned these patterns of behavior from their parents. I wanted to grab them up, one by one, and hug those babies and tell them I'd be glad to mentor them or pair them up with mentors who will show them the good parts of life, but then...

But then...

the boys burst onto the field! Hell, I'm a mama and my baby was on the field. I'd have to think of ways to help those girls later. Yep, it's high school football time, Folks! I'm a mama with a son who plays on his varsity team. He's really good, too.

But I am also a teacher... and a woman... and a part of this community that we often refer to as the village it takes to raise a child. I think of those young ladies, and my heart hurts; and I am so ashamed because I dismissed them from my mind until just this moment...

Olympic Swimming

2008-08-16T11:48:00.002-05:00

Michael Phelps is on fire!

That's all I wanted to say...

Reminiscent

2008-08-16T10:38:00.003-05:00

I received an email yesterday. Normally, I would delete a forward without reading it, but this one caught my attention and I read it. In it was a simple, yet profound lesson: do not spend a great deal of time wondering about people from your past and pondering what might have been. There is a reason those people didn't make it to your present.

Now, I have been fortunate enough to have loved and been loved very deeply in my lifetime. I think my first real love was a guy I dated while living in California. His name was David. He taught me how I was supposed to be treated by a man and set the bar for any coming after him very high. I am eternally grateful to him for that because it kept me from having to kiss a lot of extra frogs in search of my prince charming! I have thought of David over the years and wondered how his life turned out. I'm sure it's a good one because he was a good guy, but I don't dwell on it because I recognize that people come into our lives but for a season. Once the intended lesson is learned, we move on to the next life's lesson.

Fast forward to today. In a couple of weeks, my husband, Gregory, and I will celebrate our 10 year anniversary! I'll be honest and tell you that I was not so sure about years 2-3! But GOD said differently and here we are. I cannot imagine being anywhere else. You see, our love has moved away from the eros kind of love, although the physical is important and has a place. We also have the phileo, or good friend kind of love, because we genuinely like each other (most days!) Above that, though, we daily find a renewed sense of agape love that is unconditional, tried, true, and in spite of, rather than because of.

Baby-- Thanks for loving me "in spite of" so many things...

I'm baaaack!

2008-08-16T10:17:00.004-05:00

It has been a month since I posted something. Actually, I had several items prepared in draft form, but I got so busy preparing for the new school year that I forgot to post them. They're old news now, so I'm starting over today.

It's funny because I get like this during the summer. Almost tunnel vision to where I see nothing but themes and laminate and school ideas. I'm a little obsessive about it, but once I'm done I'm ready for the year.

I'll keep you posted!

Stupid Black Men

2008-07-17T09:47:00.003-05:00

That's the title of the new book by Larry Elder. Do you remember him? He has a conservative radio program based out of LA, but also used to be the "judge" on the show, "Moral Court". The title is a bit of a misnomer, though, because the book is not specifically targeting black men, but could actually be applied to people of all racial backgrounds and both genders.

I have to say that I originally selected the book because of the title. I mean, here was an obviously black man calling other black men stupid. What was really going on? I couldn't wait to get home to read it. In a nutshell, it talked about the ways media outlets, talking heads such as Jesse and Al, et al have gotten black people in a place of complacency. To the point that many black people think they are entitled to something in life simply for being black and not for working hard. Okay, I see that mentality while working as an educator. He also goes on to make the point that not everything is racial. I agree with that, too.

Overall, I admit to liking this book. I agree with most of the points he made, but then again, I am also a pretty conservative thinker. I still don't get the whole title thing, but I guess that's part of the genius here. It certainly catches attention and causes it to stand out among all of the new releases.

The Obamas

2008-07-16T10:03:00.001-05:00

Was it just me, or did anyone else like the interview with the Obama family that aired last week? They seemed so down to earth and NORMAL. You can tell they are new to all of this because they still are seemingly normal people sans a stick up their butts. How refreshing is that!

Conspiracy Theories

2008-07-16T09:31:00.006-05:00

There is a buzz afoot about impeaching the current administration. Many people cite the "lie" about I.raq having weapons. of. mass. destruction when they really had none. Hmmm. You might think that's a valid solution to today's problem, and I won't entertain the arguments for or against too much right now, but I do think the logic behind this is a little faulty. For one, I actually believe they DID/STILL DO have them.

I know what you're thinking, but go with me on this one a minute.

First, why WOULDN'T they have them? Remember when I.raq was at war with I.ran? At the time, I.ran was our public enemy number one, right? So, if you have two countries at war-- one of those being our enemy of the day-- why wouldn't we have taken steps to support them with arms? You know the saying: "An enemy of my enemy is my friend."

Call me a conspiracy theorist, but I believe they had them and they got them from us. Fast forward to today. If you have an administration justifying a war, they can't very well say, "We're going to go over Country X and strip them of all the W.M.D.'s they have that we sold to them, and we're going to need you all to finance it." No, that wouldn't go over very well. Not at all.

Instead, there had to be another way around it. How about this: give the U.N. inspectors months and months to fart around while being blocked at the gates, particularly after a leader of a country stated they'd allow them in. Hmmmm. Did it occur to no one that they may have been using that time to hide them or even move them into S.yria? I heard on alternative radio reports of satellite images of convoys going into S.yria, but that info never made mainstream media for some reason (Ha!) and was seemingly forgotten. So, of course none were found. They had months to move them! Since the inspectors couldn't get in for those months and months, we could justify defiance and probable guilt. Ding!Ding!Ding! Instant support to go over and do what we really wanted to do, even though we knew we'd have to deal with the W.M.D. problem later. Eventually, it would blow over as so many other things had in previous administrations. Yeah, right!

I think that, more than anything, this administration is guilty of groupthink similar to what happened with the Bay of Pigs incident. No one close to the president was willing to say, "Hey, this is not a good idea" or "With all due respect, you're forgetting to look at this." Oh, well, one person was--Colin Powell-- and he had to G-O... with the quickness. Instead, it looks like we have a lot of yes men (and women) in Washington who are saying, "Yeah, looking good. Oh, we can deal with all that after the fact." Yeah, well, welcome to today's problems. Thanks a lot!

Confession Time

2008-07-10T06:00:00.003-05:00

I have a confession to make.

Ssshh! Come closer!

I'm going to vote for Barack Obama.

I know, I know. If you know me at all you're wondering what happened to turn this staunchly conservative chick into "one of them." Well, first and foremost, I am still conservative in my thinking. I just don't like dirty politics.

From the beginning of all this, my guy was Mike Huckabee. He matched my views on pretty much everything. Had he been the presumptive Republican nominee, he would've been my guy. Sorry to any Obama supporters. It is what it is.

Now don't get me wrong. I am not jumping headlong onto the Democratic bandwagon; no, not by a long shot. I still am for privatizing Social Security and the definition of marriage being one man and one woman. I also think abortion is wrong and immoral, although I don't believe in legislating morality. I am all for conservative principles. I just can't bring myself to even fathom the idea of John McCain. I. just. can't. Besides, he creeps me out. He looks like he is a comic strip character. And those short arms. Eeewww. Other than the physical, I do not like that he tends to be a more "liberal" Republican. Either be liberal or be conservative, will ya! Plus, I'm just so disappointed in our current administration that anyone who is even closely related makes me cringe.

I will admit it. I voted for "W" twice. The first time was to avoid having Al Gore and the second was because John Kerry seemed to be willing to give away the farm in an attempt to make friends out of people who have no intention of being friends. A great way to get a hug and a stake in your back at the same time, JK. No, thank you. I was willing to take my chances with the "dumb" guy. True, "W" was not even close to my ideal candidate, but he did have the "crazy" factor that we all needed after 9/11. *sigh*

The N- Word

2008-07-09T09:21:00.007-05:00

It never ceases to amaze me just how much power one word can hold. The N-word, as it's now politically correct to call it, is one word that can be a term of endearment for some and prelude to a fight for others. The older I get, the more it is getting to be just a word. Perhaps it's because I recognize that it only holds power because we choose to give our power over to it and to the users of it.

I have this ongoing joke with my colleagues that I don't mind being called the word. I've been called it may times before, and I will probably be called it many, many more times before I leave this world. I refuse to give any person that much power over my emotions. Instead, I respond in a much more sinister fashion: I sear my black image right into their brains! If you really want to piss a racist off, just do what I've been known to do on occasion: follow their butts around and relentlessly share with them the history of the word. Draw it all out so that it takes at least ten minutes. When they move away, you move with them, but don't stop talking. I do it so sweetly that, to the casual observer, it looks as if I'm just a nice lady taking the time to drop some knowledge on some poorly educated schmuck. Will it change a racist's views? Probably not; but that's not the point in the first place. It pisses them off and transfers that negative energy back onto them. The next time they make a decision to call someone by the word, they will be reminded of you and the unpleasant experience they had when they said it to you. They still may say it, but you will surely be one n- word that they won't soon forget. But that's just me and the way I think. Of course, this may not work for everyone. Some racists may decide to get mad that the negative energy has been transferred and want to engage in a little fisticuffs. In that case, handle your business. Then, drop the knowledge on them while you have them in a headlock. Just before you either walk away or release them from a headlock, you should probably give them the proverbial gut punch by saying, "I know you didn't want to hear all of this, but I want to make sure that the next time you decide to use big words, you will at least know the whole meaning behind one of them and won't sound like such an ignorant ass!" Then smile and wish them a good day.

Write the Vision

2008-07-08T16:02:00.006-05:00

The Bible instructs us to "write the vision and make it plain." Yes, I understand that it is talking about writing down prophetic visions, but studies show that we are more likely to follow through on our goals if we write them down. Memories are forgotten over time, but when we put our dreams into writing, they become much more than thoughts. They become real, tangible.

For a long time-- much longer than I care to mention-- I've considered writing a book. I am the consummate storyteller. Not a story teller as in liar, but someone who knows how to deliver a good tale. The thing that makes my stories seem so fascinating to people is that they are actually TRUE! I guess truth really is stranger than fiction.

I always thought I'd write non-fiction first. I have thought of chronicling my many years of struggling with infertility, and the events that finally led to me receiving my miracles (in the form of twins). I also thought about writing a book of encouragement for people struggling through it right now. I wanted to use short case studies of the many people I know who are currently going through and/or have gone through their own fertility challenges. I wanted to record the paths they took to either see the fulfillment of their dreams, make the decision to keep trying, or make the painful choice to walk away from treatment and forge a different path. Or I could write a book retelling hilarious (and sometimes shocking) events I witnessed during the time I worked for a local law enforcement agency. And I can't forget the gazillion noteworthy moments that are forever etched into my brain from being an educator. The reality is that I have lots of stories to tell. Still, I often hear myself saying, "Oh, I'll do that someday" and go on about my business. Someday has always seemed a long way off.

Or so I thought.

While I was writing the post about salience yesterday, I had originally recounted an experience I had when we first moved from the city to the suburbs. After typing it, I instantly knew that the story was meant to be the beginning of my book. I am going to write a semi-autobiographical novel. It will be fiction, but based upon true events.

I am writing the vision. I am the Thinking Princess, and I am going to write a novel. I am going to write a novel. I AM GOING TO WRITE A NOVEL. My someday begins today.

What ever happened to service?

2008-07-07T21:31:00.008-05:00

I got my first job when I was in the 11th grade. I had just turned 15. After months of going job hunting (well, more like application collecting), my mother convinced me to stop at the Wendy's restaurant across the street from the local mall. The area was pretty nice and the people had money to spend. I got interviewed and hired on the spot. When I reported to work the next day, I had this image in my mind of being trained to cook french fries since, as everybody knows, if you're the low man (or woman!) on the totem pole, you've gotta start on fries. Well, not so! My manager spent the whole first half of my day, it seems, on teaching good customer service. How to greet the customers, how to handle certain situations, what to say, what not to say-- you get the picture. It was so important, because that particular restaurant used to always win awards for great service, and, after all, it was a good area filled with people who had money to spend and who expected good service. This training was especially good for me because I grew up with a mother who tended to be tactless. I often told her about it and asked her to try to use more tact in dealing with situations. Her response?

So, when I'm on my deathbed and I can't say I love you, remember it's because you had me spending all that extra breath being tactful, alright?

Now, Mama wasn't just a little bit tactless. Oh, no. She took tactless to a whole different level. On one occasion, a person with bad breath came up to speak with her. Instead of grinning and bearing it, as many people would have, Mama held up her hand to stop the guy. She then did the unthinkable. She reached into her purse for a stick of chewing gum. She said, "Baby, before you say anything else to me, chew on this." The obviously embarrassed guy took the gum and chewed it. To his credit (and what could only have been a serious desire to sell his product), he went on giving his spiel. Mama listened, but still didn't buy whatever it was he was selling, if I remember correctly.

Do you see why the customer service training I received at Wendy's was so vital?

Little did I know at the time, but that training on customer care still resonates for me today. I noticed that some customers came to the restaurant several times per week. One older Jaguar-driving man used to come by every day. He would order food on some occasions and only a drink on others. He always paid with a $20 and always told me (or whoever worked the drive- thru register) to keep the change. One day I mustered up the courage to mention the fact that he came every day. His response was that he liked to spend his money where he received good service. That response has stayed with me the twenty or so years that I've been gone from Wendy's.

You see, since I learned how to give good service, I also, by extension, came to recognize it when I saw it. Ultimately, I came to expect good service and was willing to spend my dollars in places where I received it. Even if it meant paying more. I always try to fill out customer comments cards and I frequently ask to speak with the managers of restaurants, especially if I received great service. There is nothing like seeing the manager's face as he tries to read you to see just how unhappy or dissatisfied you might be before approaching you. I love to see the change in features as they hear of the glowing report of an employee's high level of customer care, knowing that they were expecting a berating.

So, if we know that good service breeds repeat customers and, consequently, increased revenue for a business, then what has caused such a disconnect today? I go to places nowadays and am appalled by the lack of customer care I see. Is it the fault of business schools? Are managers not stressing service? Do employees just not care? Is this a societal issue? It's not just restaurants, either. I see a decline in service across the board -- from retail to medical industries. What went wrong in the service department, and how do we fix it?

I guess this is on my mind because I have received the worst service ever from my phone/TV/Internet provider. Hey, I pay them good money every month and expect better. Instead of them coming right out to fix the problem, I received broken appointments, one incompetent repairman, more broken appointments, and another repair person who outright lied and said he came to my home to fix the problem and waited 45 minutes, but we were not home. That was a real deal-breaker for me. It wasn't until I called for the seventh time and expressed to them that I would be finding better service with another company posthaste did they happen to send out a completely competent and thorough repairman. He even gave me the direct phone number and email address to the person I really should be calling to lodge my complaint, instead of calling the 1-800 number I was given over the phone. I'm still seriously considering changing providers, but the last guy gave me OUTSTANDING customer service, which appeased me (a little). It's amazing how far one person's decision to provide stellar customer care goes toward repairing a breach. Why don't companies today understand this?

Salience

2008-07-07T06:01:00.007-05:00

A flickering light on a telephone to indicate new messages. A red dot in a sea of white. One black person's entrance into a room filled with people of other races. Salience. The quality of being different from the things around you. The one thing that poses the starkest contrast among surrounding items. Salience.

I first heard this term in a psychology class and immediately knew it would become one of my favorites. The professor said something to the effect that the item that is the most different holds the most power. Wow. I remember thinking, "Where do I get some of that stuff?" The truth is, I had it and never even knew it.

One person I knew from school used to say that her parents' major piece of advice for her was to always stand up and stand out. Mama just used to say to not just be different, but be the best. I wonder if the parents of our generation knew the word 'salient,' or if they just knew of the hope of salience. It's a great concept that is so simple, yet so profound.

Stand out. Be different. Be the best.

I look back on things now and recognize moments of being truly salient. Moments of being truly powerful. It's also in those moments that people have seen me and taken an instant dislike. They'd tell me later, "When I first saw you, I couldn't stand you. You acted like you thought you were better than everyone else." My response is always the same. "No, you noticed something different about me and YOU thought I was better. Now you know I'm just like everybody else."

Why do I add that last part to my response? I think most of it is to neutralize the truth of the first part.

We go through life trying to prove to others (and maybe to ourselves) that we are different from those people. The blanks can be filled in with so many words. Those Blacks. Those women. Those students. Those employees. Then, we spend the remainder of our time trying to prove to those people that we are just like everyone else. No wonder we live in a confused world! What is so wrong with being different anyway? Why ever should I apologize for possessing something powerful? It's like a person apologizing for having wealth.

I watched the movie, "Akeelah and the Bee" for the 1,000th time last night. The Marianne Williamson quote came back to me again.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel unsure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Here is my pledge to myself: Each day I will choose to be BETTER than the day before. In all things. If being better means being different, so be it. I will continue to walk into a room with grace and confidence. (My friend, Monica, calls it keeping your stride stank.) If I stand out, great. I will have obtained a moment of power, and that's the whole point.

And so it begins

2008-07-06T20:33:00.000-05:00

I never really thought about blogging. I have a few friends who do. One is very good about updating and has a loyal following. I'm not really sure what I want this blog to be--either a daily place for me to rant and muse or a place chock full of intellectual thought. I guess it will be what it is to be.

I've decided to call myself The Thinking Princess (more about that later!), and I originally thought to call this small corner of the 'Net "The Thinking Woman's Guide to the World." However, I don't know if I'm really ready to guide anyone anywhere. I do so much of that throughout the year--guiding, that is. I'm a teacher. A really good teacher. I'm not being boastful. It is what it is. I am a REALLY GOOD TEACHER.

Still, I'm not satisfied. I want to be better. Always better. Always the best.

Perhaps that's why I'm taking to blogging. Perhaps it's an outlet I need... a place to think. A place to ponder the events of the day. A place to go to just BE without having to be the good teacher who is never satisfied.