Highs and Lows

In life, the expectation is always that parents will precede their children in death. Even though we know- and even expect- our parents to go before us, there is really just no way to anticipate the loss.

My mom died on Monday, and it was a shock. Even up to her last breath, the expectation of a full recovery was so strong. She was not in pain, she did not labor to breathe, she didn't show any signs of suffering whatsoever. In fact, she was talking and laughing as we were giving her medical history to the nurse. One second she was cutting up as she usually did, and the next second she was gone to be with the Lord. There was no moment to brace myself or prepare for her loss.

But, I am glad that God knows just what we need when we need it. I NEEDED to be there for my mother's last laugh, last thought, last breath. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I needed that moment. God knew, and he responded accordingly. Just for me. What an awesome God!

Since my mom's passing, things have been such a whirlwind. I really haven't had time to grieve more than a minute here or there because I am inundated with phone calls from people who have been totally distraught and needing me to console them! Plus, I am having to do everything, preparation-wise, by myself. My brother is away, and it all falls to me to take care of everything. I think it's best this way. It's just hard because I am sooo unbelievably tired. I have run into a few snags where people have thought of only what they want and not what my mom's wishes were, and that has caused me to go off a time or two. Y'all know I'm not perfect! LOL! Other times, like right at this moment, I find myself a little low because I get so many calls from people seeking comfort, yet most do not ask how I'm doing or what they can do. I understand that they are hurting, too, but it hurts my feelings nonetheless. Maybe that's my fault because I expect more from people and it hurts to be disappointed. Can't dwell on what makes others tick, though.

I really think they just don't think about it. So many people think I am the strong one who can and does handle everything. I am Nikki the Handler. I think people sometimes forget that, beneath this "strong" exterior, there is a thinking, feeling person inside who hurts and feels things just like everyone else. I am just often too busy handling things that they don't get to see that part. I guess it's not their fault.

***Update:
As I was typing this blog entry this morning, I was feeling sooooo low. Today has started off as an incredibly depressing day for me. I guess I was feeling a little sorry for myself. Maybe I'm a little overwhelmed. Maybe it's the rainy weather. It's just that I was feeling like so many people have forgotten about me. Then, out of the blue, one of my mom's friends called. She didn't have a need at all. She just asked about me and what she could do to serve me. Look at God! Once again, He knew what I needed and responded accordingly.

So, after talking with her, I picked up my face, dusted myself off, and got back to "handling" everything again. Not because I want to, though. I really just want to crawl into bed under the covers and sleep until this is all over. But since that is not really an option, let me hop to it. I have to bury my mama, and I have a to-do list a mile long.

If you think about it, keep us in your prayers.

My Mother is Gone

I cannot even believe that I am typing the words. My mother went home to be with the Lord today. My mother. My mama. My mommy. Gone. With the Lord. Today.

I'll try this again tomorrow.

At a Crossroads

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.

(from "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost)


I am a dreamer by nature.

Sure, I can move and shake with the best of them. A go-getter? Yep, that's me. But when I am by myself, I dream. I dream really big. Some of those dreams make it into reality, but others remain in my head, just itching to be birthed. Well, I have another dream that is really big and important to me, and I realize that I have been deferring it for years-- not because I cannot accomplish it, but because of the way it will affect those around me.

Marianne Williamson said in her poem, "Our Deepest Fear":

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I know this poem well, and I have quoted it on several occasions. The words reverberate truth, yet I still find myself playing small in the world. Why is that, I wonder?

Y'all, I am really going through some things in my personal life. Some really big things. For those of you who like to think I have it all together, please think again. I am flying by the seat of my pants here. I know what is in my heart-- the hope and the promise of something greater. Well, fulfilling, actually. To me, the steep price is justified. To others, maybe not so much. At any rate, I stand at a crossroads silently praying.

That's all I can say about it right now. Sorry to be so cryptic, but I'll keep you posted.