I love to sit silently and watch my children play. There really is nothing like listening to their squeals of delight and the inflection in their voices as they float from moment to moment, excited about each new discovery life sends their way. As they sing and dance to their made-up songs about the butterfly that just landed on a flower, I imagine them hearing the melodies of life and the rhythm created by each heartbeat, breath, voice, footstep, sight and sound. Together, these small sounds and moments- though not much on their own- come together to create quite the symphony for a child. Wow. As I watch them, I sometimes notice the dichotomy their freedom creates within me, the cognitive dissonance that often runs through me. I know it sounds crazy, but it is there. As delightful as watching them is for me, I also sometimes catch the feeling of jealousy creep up into the darkest recesses of my mind. Jealousy. I admit here and now that I am sometimes jealous of my children's ability to just detach themselves from any and everything and be able to live freely, taking each moment as it comes. Their looks of wide-eyed wonder as they greet each new sight and sound can only be compared to discovering a cold fountain to drink from on a hot, Texas summer day. It is as if those new discoveries are the very lifeblood that keeps them going. They move from moment to moment like that, and I listen really hard, trying to hear that melody again- or at least remember when I stopped hearing.
How does one regain the ability to live in the moment? When do we, as adults, cross that silent threshold where we forget to truly LIVE? We get so caught up in all the business of life that we forget to live it. I am in that place right now. I have been on Spring Break for the past week. Instead of just enjoying each moment as it comes, I have been consumed with solving every problem under the sun or ANTICIPATING problems and then solving those. I have focused on school work for next week, the remainder of the year, NEXT school year, medical issues, making sure all of my financial ducks are in a row in case anything ever happens to me, making sure of so many things... And at the end of the day, what does it all even matter? Tomorrow is not promised to anyone anyway. Yes, as a responsible parent, especially as a SINGLE parent raising small children, it is very important for me to have everything set should anything ever happen to me. However, the rest of it?
How backwards am I?!! Here I am, thinking about and planning for my death before I have even started to LIVE.
