Checking in...

A very dear friend checked in with me last night and noted that I had been very distant lately. There is nothing in particular going on. I have just been going through a period of inner reflection. To be honest, I did not even realize that I had turned off contact with much of the outside world. I felt awful when I really thought about it because I realized that I really had not talked to my friend in some time.

Charge it to my head and not my heart.

I am going through a state of change right now, and I really just have not had a lot to say. That is not to say that God has not been present and that He is not working in my life because He has been and He is. I even went out on a date the other day! (Yes, it was very nice.) However, I am just not ready to share those things right now. Part of the reason is that I am not even sure of the whats and wheres of everything myself right now. I am just taking it day by day, minute by minute, trying to intentionally live in each of the moments God blesses me with.

So if I am quiet for a minute, bear with me. If you know me well, then you also know that my quiet periods don't last very long, and I have LOTS to say!

Have a fabulous Monday, Loves!

On your mark, Get set...

For once, it seems, I am at a loss for words. Well, kinda.

No, nothing has happened. I just woke up with very little to discuss this morning. Today is my official day one of my journey, and it has already been modified. One thing was that I was supposed to have my FB account deactivated by today. Weird, but at the 11th hour, I received a friend request from someone very dear to me who is currently overseas. Because of the time difference, we have not had a chance to message, but it would be so much easier (and cheaper) to keep in touch through a social media site such as FB as opposed to calling and emailing back and forth. Gaaaah. So it looks like that monster has to stay in place for now until I can figure something else out. :(

My weekend was so nice! Aside from receiving some disturbing news the other day, life has been really good! I think I laughed and smiled for most of the last 3-4 days, and I got a chance to spend quality time with someone very special to me. It is amazing just how good life can be when you lay aside the things that constantly wear and tear you down. I am finally beginning to make time for living, and it sure feels nice! It's funny how life-affirming and life-changing something simple can be once it clicks for us.

And you know what? True happiness is not about finding a mate or being the best at things no one remembers, or even losing that last 10, 20, or however many pounds. It is about taking this sliver of space and time God has granted us and making the choice to ride it until the wheels fall off. Along the way, something interesting happens. You find that you become more attractive to a whole lot more people. Why? Because, like a moth to a flame, people are attracted to happy, confident people who know how to live. So let's get to living.

On your mark, get set, GO!

Everything Must Change

According to Greek philosopher, Heraclitus, "The only thing constant is change."

I am currently going through a period of renewal in my life. In order to truly do this, I am going to have to make some much-needed changes. I walked through every room of my apartment this morning and saw just how cluttered my physical space is. It is not dirty or anything; there is just too much stuff. Then I thought about my sleep patterns (or lack thereof) and realized that I am mentally cluttered as well. In short, I have so many things going on that I am not doing ANY of them as well as I could. Soooo...

Time to get rid of the excess "stuff" in my life to actually make room for the blessings headed my way!

I have a plan that is beginning to shape up nicely. The first thing I have done is deactivated dating site accounts. I will be letting go of all social media (except for this blog) by July 1 as well. I just do not have time for all of that. I love my friends and extended friendships dearly, but those who are really important know my number and email addresses. I also plan to commit to a workable schedule that makes sense. I need to go to bed at a decent hour and get proper rest. As part of that schedule, I need to spend quiet time alone with The Lord, commit at least an hour each day for working out, and spend more time cooking healthy meals. with us always on the go, we are eating far too much by way of processed, high-fat, crappy foods. The short of it is that I, simply, need to guard and be much more selfish about my time. Lord knows, if I do not respect my time, no one else will have respect for it either!

Anyway, this list is just a start. I do not want to lay all of the specifics out on Blogger at this time, and things will become even clearer as I get underway. I don't know what it is, but I feel that there is something FAR bigger for me at the end of this process.

See you on the journey!

Lessons hard learned...

NEVER MAKE SOMEONE A PRIORITY IN YOUR LIFE WHEN YOU ARE JUST AN OPTION IN THEIRS!

I woke up thinking about someone I know. As hard as it is to admit sometimes, not everyone is going to think about/feel for/act toward us as we think they should. It could just be that they are just not that into you. One thing I have learned from having a couple of guy best friends in my younger days (Thanks, LA and Rodney!) is that, if a man is truly interested in being with you, he will move the stars, if possible, to let you know it. You will never have to wonder, try to figure it out, or chase him for the answer or the proof, etc. He will be quick to show it through his words AND his actions. Period. Point blank. End of story.

If a potential love interest's words and the actions do not agree, then stop allowing them to take up rent-free space in your head and heart. Seriously. It will sting for a minute, but that is FAR better than simmering on someone else's back burner. The truth is actually one of only a handful of things: 1) They are not looking for the same kind of relationship that you are; 2) They ARE looking for the same kind of relationship, just not with YOU; or 3) They want to keep you on the back burner in case they do not find the "something better" they are obviously looking for. None of those options are good enough for someone as fabulous, smart, blessed, and worthy as you. So, seriously, shake the dust off, pick your face up, and Keep.It.Moving. In truth, God has someone who WILL attempt to move the stars... just for you!

That was my public service announcement for the day. You are now free to move about the country! ;)

Have a great day, Loves!

Vacation!!!

Today is my first day of summer vacation. I don't know about you, but I feel as if I have been beaten with a stick. This last school year was rough, and summer school was a wild ride, but now I officially have time to relax, relate, and release!

Woosahhhh.

I woke up this morning all about business: checking on my money, writing out the bills, making plans, moving funds around, paying bills, and deciding what I would like to do with my life for the next 50 days. (Yes, I counted!) I then took stock of my life, my relationships, and my goals. I realized that I still have a few relationships that need to be severed once and for all, as they are more toxic and stressful than edifying. I looked at the potential love department and originally thought about things that I could do better, more of, less of, etc. to make that area more productive. Then a thought came to me.

Who has time for worry and stress? If I just continue to be the best ME that I can be and serve the Lord, then He will send the one who is good TO me and good FOR me; and there will be no stress and sorrow added to the blessing.

So, hit it, Mary! Here is my theme song for the day: Just Fine by Mary J. Blige

Today is the Day

Today is going to be a great day. I can FEEL it!

First, today is the last day of summer school. We made it! All that is left is to monitor the final administration of the STAAR test. Although it really is the testing equivalent to watching paint dry, today is the LAST day of summer school! I know I mentioned that already, but it really did bear repeating once more! LOL.

Second, today is a friend's birthday. Although this has nothing to do with me directly, I still would like to give a public shout-out. Happy Birthday, You Sexy Beast! LOL. Kidding! (Actually, he really IS nice to look at, but I digress.)

Third, God is such an awesome father and protector. A few cars directly around mine got vandalized the night before last. My vehicle was protected, and I am so thankful. That's why I have purposed in my heart to praise him in advance as often as I can. I am not a Bible-thumping zealot, but I KNOW where my blessings come from!

Friends, there are so many things that we should be thankful for. I sometimes try to list off my blessings, but it is impossible to list them all. I sure hope you take the time to count your blessings today, even if this is a season of hardship in your life. Whatever you are going through, know that this, too, shall pass. EVERY storm eventually passes, and the sun will shine again. I promise!

If you get a chance and have the opportunity to listen to a song, check out this song: God Favored Me by Hezekiah Walker

I love you guys! Have a great day!

Plugging In

It really has been on my heart lately to reengage in my church. This morning, I investigated different ministry opportunities and sent out messages to the appropriate group leaders. In the meantime, I plan to set aside time each day to increase my one-on-one time with the Lord.

At church this morning, the first thing I did was write out my tithe check for the unexpected money I received yesterday. I couldn't help but marvel at the fact that God provided the seed for me to sow, and is still willing to allow that seed to be multiplied. Then the guest minister got up to preach and confirmed several things that the Lord has placed on my heart over the last few days.

I have a renewed sense of purpose and more hope than ever that my future is bright. I am so ready to continue pressing on and to walk out this wonderful life God has blessed me with. Although I do one day dream of walking out this life as part of a we instead of an I, I know that whatever the Lord has for me is just for me and is absolutely perfect.

I'll leave you today with something the guest minister said that I can chew on. Maybe you can too...

What I make happen for God's house, God makes happen for my house. - Steve Alessi 6/23/13

Inside Out, Part II

Me: Yes?!!! What do you mean, 'Yes'? You are seriously trying to kill me?
Him: You said, "More of You and less of me, God." More of Me means getting rid of you.
Me: So you mean I will have NO life?
Him: More of Me means less of you. You choose your life.

Let me stop here to say that I was still a fairly new Christian at the time. Yes, I went to the occasional service growing up, and I attended catechism classes, but I was never really encouraged to read the Bible for myself or to develop a relationship with God for myself until I went into the Army and saw some new things. So there in Leesville, LA, I had a choice to make. I'd like to say I completely sold out to God and have been serving Him faithfully ever since. That would be a lie, though. The truth is, I did gain more of the Lord. Much more; but I also chose to keep some of the "me" He was willing to remove. In the end, I settled for a relationship with a man that was less than God's best for me. I know this because, although we both appeared to be serving the Lord, the commitment did not last. Instead, within several months, I began to see my new husband's violent side and knew that it was just a matter of time before the verbal and emotional abuse I suffered would turn physical. Thankfully, when I prayed for an out, the Lord provided me with one, and I was able to break free.

However, how different could my life have been had I truly trusted God and waited for Him to complete the work He started in me the first time?

I wish I could say I totally sold out for God even after the wedding debacle. Oh, I had periods where I was on fire for the Lord, serving Him with gladness and really growing in Him by leaps and bounds. I sang for the Lord, I worked with God's children, I had a robust prayer life. However, I still continued to have one foot in Heaven and the other in the world. In fact, I often sought my own way and, before too many years had passed, found myself back in a situation where I again settled for "good enough." But then again, there should have been no surprise there because I did not choose the BEST CHOICE as my first choice in the first place.

Fast forward to 2013.

Pt III tomorrow...

Killing Me From the Inside Out

I woke up this morning to the thought of an incident that happened while I was in the Army, stationed at Ft. Polk, LA. I was the only female soldier from my unit who lived in the barracks, so my experience was QUITE interesting. There was very little to do in Leesville, so I found a church that I loved and became an active member. This church offered many ministries, so before long, I was attending several times per week. Most of my fellow soldiers would see me at PT, at work, occasionally in the mess hall, and in the evenings heading out with my fancy little Bible case on my way to church. Many of the guys in my unit obviously decided that I needed protection from the wolves and declared themselves my big brothers. These fools grilled anyone who came within 10 feet of me and screened my calls (no cell phones at that time!). You would have thought I was under witness protection or something!

One day, a guy who had been checking me out from a nearby battalion stopped to chat with me as I was returning to my barracks from duty. My barracks was one of many that housed several battalions and formed a large courtyard type of area. Unbeknownst to me, a soldier from a neighboring signal battalion saw this guy approach me and decided to take it upon himself to let the guy know that I was off limits.

"Hey, you can't talk to her. That's 'The Little Church Girl'!"

The guy who wanted to talk to me then stepped back quickly as if he had been seared with a hot iron, contorted his face and said, "YOU'RE 'The Little Church Girl'? Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry." He quickly proceeded to exit stage left.

Seriously, Dude?!! Who in the heck was the idiot yelling out the window from across the way anyway? I didn't even know him. And what in the world had people been told about 'The Little Church Girl'? I was angry and wanted immediate answers at that point, so I grabbed the nearest 'big brother' by the scruff of his collar. (Truth be told, I could probably beat the crap out of most of my 'big brothers' despite them wanting to protect me!) In fear, he just said, "It's nothing bad. It's just that everyone knows that you are... like... really HOLY." I didn't know if I should laugh or slap the daylights out of him, so I released him.

Well, I see I won't be getting any dates at Ft. Polk.

At church, the prospects were slim to none as well. There were some single guys in my age range, but they were trying to find who they were in Christ, so all of their conversation seemed to include "thee" and "thou" a lot. So yeah, there were going to be no dates there either.

It was high time for God and I to have a little talk because this was getting out of hand. (How young and naïve and stupid I was! LOL)

Me: What is the deal, Lord? First off, ALL of my friends got these cushy assignments overseas, but you sent me to the armpit of the Army. Now you have made me a social leper. What is my lesson here- to see just how long it takes to kill me from the inside out?
Him: Yes.

To be continued...

Know your worth...

I love the movie, "Johnny Lingo." In it, a young woman named Mahana went through life being told that she was stupid, ugly and worthless. Even those closest to her echoed the sentiments of the others on the island. Consequently, Mahana came to believe that she was of no value. One day, Johnny Lingo, the shrewdest and most respected trader on the island, came to Mahana's house to offer cows as part of a marriage contract between himself and Mahana's father. In that society, the more cows offered meant the more the prospective bride was worth. Most of the islanders- Mahana's father included- believed that even one cow was too steep a price to pay for her. Johnny Lingo, however, offered an unprecedented 8 cows for Mahana- far more than any other woman in the history of the island. No one could believe it. Was Johnny Lingo blind, crazy, or just vain? Immediately after the wedding ceremony, Johnny Lingo took Mahana away for months on their honeymoon trip, which included visiting many islands. When they finally returned, no one could believe their eyes! Gone was the shy, awkward young woman considered worthless. In her place was this totally transformed woman in full knowledge of her beauty and worth. In the exchange at the end between Johnny and a local merchant, Johnny explained that he had loved her since childhood and that he paid 8 cows for Mahana because he wanted her to BE an 8-cow woman. He explained that many things could make a woman beautiful, but what SHE believed about herself was the most important thing.

Merchant: In her father's hut, Mahana believed she was worth nothing.
Johnny: Yes, and now she knows she is worth more than any other woman on the island.

See, with Johnny's help, Mahana came to see the woman she was called to be. When she believed she was ugly and worthless, she became ugly and worthless; but when she saw herself through Johnny's eyes- beautiful, graceful, worth far more than rubies- she BECAME that woman. (Ummh! If we only saw ourselves through God's eyes...)

One major flaw in our society today is that we allow others to dictate standards of beauty. As a result, entire segments of the population find themselves excluded. This creates a domino effect in which the excluded population ultimately comes to believe in their inferiority. Instead of perpetuating this superficial determination of a person's worth, why aren't we raising more Johnny Lingos who understand that the 2-cow woman according to society's standards CAN be the 8-cow woman God created for him? And why do we continue to cosign on society's double standards and raise generations of Mahanas who go through life not knowing that God created them to be stunningly beautiful reflections of His glory?

Marinate in that awhile...

Shakin' things up...

There is a popular quote that says, "If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got." After reflecting on these words awhile, I have to say that Henry Ford was right. I think about my life and about my hopes and dreams. There are many things that I desire, but I have yet to attain them. I do realize that I probably have not attained those things because I live my life predictably. Safe. Protected. All neatly packaged and wrapped with a bow, hidden behind the walls of this fortress I have erected around myself. It's difficult to make a significant impact on the world while in hiding. (Well, it depends on where one hides, I suppose.)

I dream of impacting the youth of this world in far greater numbers than my career currently allows. This passion I have cannot be truly realized, however, until I make the decision to step out of my comfort zone and be all that I know God has called me to be. It takes courage to step into one's destiny. The crazy thing is that I have never been one who has been easily frightened. So why, then, do I most fear the things that are at the very core of my being? What exactly do I fear? Is it failure... or success? Is it rejection, or is acceptance more frightening? You see, with acceptance, one has to open oneself up to receive those who receive you. That means allowing others within the walls of the fortress. It means knocking down walls. It means being vulnerable and having to trust that others will respect that sacred space at the core of all that I am. Trust. Belief. Interdependence.

After all, no man is an island.

So with a deep sigh, I am purposing within my heart to do things differently. I am opening up and stepping out on the knowledge that God will order my steps. The future requires it, and my destiny insists upon it. Pray for me, because change is never easy.

To be continued...

New Normal?

Clearly, I have lived a charmed life. I talked to an acquaintance today and listened as she told me about an issue she was going through with a certain person in her life. As she replayed (ad nauseam) her current situation, I couldn't help but think that she assumed the chaotic, dysfunctional relationship she was in was normal. Have I just lived such a sheltered life to the point where physical and emotional abuse, lying, cheating and drug usage were normal events occurring in life? Now, don't get me wrong. I have a close family member who battles addictive behaviors, repeated incarceration, and all manner of foolishness; but in my mind, my loved one's situation is not at all what I would consider normal.

As I gave it a little more thought, I asked myself just what normal is anyway. I had always considered the term 'normal' to mean something that follows traditional societal norms. But is it more subjective than that? Perhaps, to some people, those events in their lives really are normal because they follow along the general norms within their established communities. So maybe this acquaintance of mine sees me and my life as something abnormal. Interesting thought. That said, however, my 'normal' works for me, and I would certainly not change it to fit anyone else's definition.

Highs and Lows

Life is a series of ebbs and flows. I woke up and received some news that really made my day! A friend and I were going to connect today and just spend some one on one time hanging out and fellowshipping. This friend is fairly new, but there is just "something" there that lets you know that the two paths were destined to cross for some reason. At any rate, as the day progressed, a comedy of errors ensued and, in the end, we never got a chance to connect. I really had looked forward to this meeting, so I was very disappointed when the opportunity to meet was lost for today. Sure, meetings get canceled, people forget, life gets hectic. As a result, plans change. It happens all the time. Why did this feel so different for me? Then I realized what had happened. It was that word disappointment. It signifies an emotion that I allowed to rule my life for a long time.

For many years, I kept myself guarded against others. Actually, I had set up a series of almost insurmountable walls around myself to keep others out of that very personal space within me where I was laid bare. The flaws and all would show, and I feared that people would use that knowledge against me and wound me. I somehow convinced myself to believe that it was just easier to keep people out altogether than to give someone an opportunity to disappoint- and possibly reject- me.

I am so happy that God does not think like that. How many times have we missed the mark, made mistakes, failed to show up for appointments, or just ignored Him altogether? Yet in the midst of our mess ups, He recognizes us as the broken creatures we really are and forgives us. Then He waits patiently for us to return to Him so that He may join us in fellowship. As unworthy as we are-and we are truly unworthy- He loves us where we are and accepts us just as we are. Flaws and all, He looks at us in our human condition, yet sees us perfected in Him.

Packing up

Well, today is my last mandatory workday for the school year (although summer school starts next week). All of my paperwork is complete, and all that is left of this school year is to pack away this year's memories and start preparing for a fresh crop of rambunctious, blank canvasses upon whose futures I get to make my mark.

Being a teacher carries tremendous responsibility. We have the power to influence and impact an entire generation and, ultimately, a nation. As I reflect on this year, I find myself wondering if I did everything I could have, or whether or not I said all that I should have. Then I wonder what I could or should have done better or more of in terms of academics. I already know that I will be spending much of my summer working on increasing rigor in the classroom, improving interventions, and thinking about better ways to reach parents. Heck, I am thinking about it today.

I guess there is something to be said about finding that thing you are passionate about...

Find Your Passion

When I was five years old, I wanted to be a veterinarian. Well, that is until I saw Dr. McGruder stick his gloved finger into the dog's rear end. At that moment, my desire to become a real-life Dr. Doolittle came to a screeching halt. There was no way I was going to stick my finger up a dog's butt! Years later, I found myself telling people that I wanted to be a biomedical engineer. Actually, the engineer part is what my Grandmother gently and repeatedly told me that I was going to be. The biomedical part came much later as I made an attempt to make my grandmother's dream for me something closer to my own. After all, a biomedical engineer had to be much cooler than the geeky guys and gals running around with the pocket protectors and pens hanging out of their pockets, right?

Fast forward thirty years. No, I am not a biomedical engineer. In fact, I am in a field that I NEVER even considered as a child. Teaching? Pshaw! I didn't even like kids and I knew teachers did not make any "real" money, so teaching never entered my mind. No way, no how!

For several of the past school years, I have created a binder in which each student has a page dedicated to only them. On this page, they share what they hope to become when they grow up and their reasons why. Today was no exception. Prior to setting them free to write, the children and I had a discussion about our dreams and finding things we are passionate about. In each class, our conversations yielded something I did not realize. It didn't matter if the student came from The United States or Vietnam, Guatemala or Czechoslovakia, India or Ethiopia. Lots of students were just like I was- planning to follow some other person's dreams for their lives.

Here is an interesting exchange I had with one child:

Student: Well, my parents told me that I have to be a lawyer, but I hate the thought of doing that job.
Me: Okay. So what do you think you might want to become one day?
Student: A lawyer.
Me: Why would you become a lawyer if the job is something you HATE the thought of?
Student: Because that is what my parents want me to be.
Me: I see. Let's have a hypothetical situation. If a career field in law was not available to you, what would YOU like to do?
Student: (looking totally bewildered) I don't understand your question.
Me: If money were not an issue and parents' wishes were not an issue, what would you like to become as an adult?
Student: Well, I never really thought about it. I just figured I would be a lawyer because that is what my parents said.
Me: (to the entire class) Boys and girls, how many of you are in this same situation? (About 5 other hands go up.) Hmmm, let's discuss this. The world, My Dears, is full of people who walk around miserable, hating their jobs, their coworkers, their families, and their lives because they accepted someone else's dream for their lives instead of finding what it is they were really born to do. Life is way too short to be miserable every single day. You then get to the end of your life and find that you did nothing you wanted to do. So find that thing that, when you are alone in front of the mirror, you find yourself acting out. Do you dance? Do you sing? Do you practice jokes? Do you dream of speaking in front of a crowd, defending some person in court? Perhaps you pretend to do surgery on the bar of soap. What do you spend the most time dreaming about, whether you share those dreams with anyone else or not? THAT is the thing you are most passionate about.

So, just like those young minds today, I ask you the same question. What do YOU dream about when you are alone? What do you imagine yourself doing when you are in front of that mirror? Are you living THAT dream or one a loved one or society chose FOR you? More importantly, are you HAPPY? You see, life is too short to live it in misery. There is something to be said about loving what you do. If you truly love what you do, great! You found it, and no bad day that comes along while you do it will stop you from going back to it tomorrow. If, on the other hand, you are like the person I described before- miserable and hating your life, resenting everything and everyone else- then you have some soul-searching to do and some changes to make. If you really want to, of course. Your life, your happiness is all up to you today, so get started. I certainly believe in you, and God does too!

"Who Your People?"

I still remember my Aunt Pearl saying the words that caused me to blush down to the tips of my toes. Not only was it embarrassing to hear her nonstandard use of the king's English; but more importantly, she was grilling the boy whom I thought was the embodiment of all things cute, cool and delightfully wonderful in the world.

As I think about it now, the exchange went something like this:

Aunt Pearl: Who are you?
Cutie: My name is Chris, Ma'am.
AP: Chris is not your name. Is that short for Christopher or Christian?
Him: It's short for Christopher, Ma'am.
AP: OK, ChrisTOPHER, what is your last name?
Him: Hamilton, Ma'am.
AP: Christopher Hamilton, who your people?
Him: Well, my mom lives on the North side, but I live with my aunt and uncle. They live over on K Street.
AP: K Street? Oh, over by Mrs. Waddell's house?
Him: Yes, Ma'am. Mrs. Waddell lives two doors down.
AP: OH, in the blue house on the corner?
Him: Yes, ma'am.
AP: Oh, ok. Well, Christopher "Chris" Hamilton, this is MY niece. I am HER Aunt Pearl and you are welcome to stop by to see her sometime if you see my car in the driveway. You got that?
Him: Yes, Ma'am, Miss Pearl. I got it.

Now as I look back on that conversation, I realize a few things about my Aunt Pearl's intentions from that brief exchange. First off, she gleaned far more from that brief exchange than any sit-down conversation full of slick words could ever have told her. For example, she tested his level of respect. Had he been taught to respect his elders by saying yes, no, yes, ma'am, no, ma'am and using proper titles as opposed to saying, yeah, naw, uh-huh, etc.? Second, she found out two very important things about his family: 1. Exactly who they were (If his family was known for being a bunch of fools, Chris would've gotten the boot quickly) and 2. Where to go to handle things if something went awry. Third, by making him use his exact name and stating her name and her relationship with me and then setting clear expectations and boundaries, she let him know that I am someone important whose "people" hold in high regard and whose "people" have higher expectations for. In other words, she let him know that I was not someone he was free to trifle with.

How did we get so far removed from teaching young people to respect their elders? Even more disturbing to me is how we have gotten so far away from setting high standards and EXPECTING our young people to reach those standards of behavior. As an educator, I see all too often a generation of youngsters who do not respect authority, elders, or even themselves. How do we reclaim what some have called 'a lost generation'? How do we rise up and become the elders like my Aunt Pearl who made expectations clear and who, with a short interaction, was able to communicate to the world- me included- that I was valuable and that I belonged to someone who loved me enough to apply a covering over my life? We need more Aunt Pearls. Heck, we need to BECOME the Aunt Pearls of this generation. But how do we do this? Sound off somebody!

The Dichotomy of Me (Or, Learning To Live)

I love to sit silently and watch my children play. There really is nothing like listening to their squeals of delight and the inflection in their voices as they float from moment to moment, excited about each new discovery life sends their way. As they sing and dance to their made-up songs about the butterfly that just landed on a flower, I imagine them hearing the melodies of life and the rhythm created by each heartbeat, breath, voice, footstep, sight and sound. Together, these small sounds and moments- though not much on their own- come together to create quite the symphony for a child. Wow. As I watch them, I sometimes notice the dichotomy their freedom creates within me, the cognitive dissonance that often runs through me. I know it sounds crazy, but it is there. As delightful as watching them is for me, I also sometimes catch the feeling of jealousy creep up into the darkest recesses of my mind. Jealousy. I admit here and now that I am sometimes jealous of my children's ability to just detach themselves from any and everything and be able to live freely, taking each moment as it comes. Their looks of wide-eyed wonder as they greet each new sight and sound can only be compared to discovering a cold fountain to drink from on a hot, Texas summer day. It is as if those new discoveries are the very lifeblood that keeps them going. They move from moment to moment like that, and I listen really hard, trying to hear that melody again- or at least remember when I stopped hearing.

How does one regain the ability to live in the moment? When do we, as adults, cross that silent threshold where we forget to truly LIVE? We get so caught up in all the business of life that we forget to live it. I am in that place right now. I have been on Spring Break for the past week. Instead of just enjoying each moment as it comes, I have been consumed with solving every problem under the sun or ANTICIPATING problems and then solving those. I have focused on school work for next week, the remainder of the year, NEXT school year, medical issues, making sure all of my financial ducks are in a row in case anything ever happens to me, making sure of so many things... And at the end of the day, what does it all even matter? Tomorrow is not promised to anyone anyway. Yes, as a responsible parent, especially as a SINGLE parent raising small children, it is very important for me to have everything set should anything ever happen to me. However, the rest of it?

How backwards am I?!! Here I am, thinking about and planning for my death before I have even started to LIVE.

To Him...

Okay, God, I am listening...

Almost To... Happy? (Trois)

Well, the hits just keep on coming.

Since my last entry, I have rekindled- and lost- what I thought of as my deepest friendship. Warning: I may possibly be a little too transparent here, so if you are prone to pearl-clutching, perhaps you should visit on another day when I am a little more 'spiritual'. Coz right here, right now, this is my spot and I'm about to keep it real.

I have... HAD... a friend with whom I have shared some of my most vulnerable moments and some of my deepest secrets. The converse is true as well. (If you know me, then you know that I have MAJOR issues with trust, so this was a friendship with deeeep roots.) At any rate, this person recently showed me that their friendship was not genuine. The level of callousness at which they showed their true colors cut me to the quick and killed my sense of trust. I was left wondering how a person could ever come back from taking such a hit.

I think I started grieving the loss of the friendship almost as if someone had died. I felt as if I had taken another hit that I was sooo unready to take. All I wanted to do was yell at them, to scream at the top of my lungs, "How could you do this to me, of all people? You, who knows the secrets and the hurts and the pain and where the holes are. How could you deal me a fatal blow? How, you mother******?!!!"

Another blow. Another loss. Another hole to be filled. After so many, how does one move on? I was in yet another wilderness place. Was the wilderness destined to be my new home? What was I missing? What lessons did I not learn?

But you know what? God remembered me and I remembered Him. I just talked to Him openly and honestly. I talked and He listened. Then He talked and I listened. And He sent genuine people alongside to minister to my wounds. They bound me up with love and kindness and laughter and joy and with the Word... and at some point during the night while I slept, God performed surgery on my heart. I woke up the next morning with a new song. I was no longer angry. Instead, I felt a peace within me that this was not the end of my story. I understand that loss is part of living and that not everyone is called to walk along with us at every season of our lives. The person, my former friend, was just no longer called to my life... and that's okay, too, because I know that God has my back, front and flank. And more than anything, The Lord has shown me that, as I prepare to move into what I believe to be my season of greatness, those He has placed around me are the ones He has chosen to be armor bearers in my life.

I would be lying if I said I do not think about past events, but as quickly as thoughts and a little bit of sadness creep in, I try to make a conscious choice to release it. It's not easy, though, y'all, as I am indeed a work in progress. Continue to pray for me, alright?

Finally! I've made a decision.

Since the inception of this blog, I have vacillated between several different ideas I've had about the type of blog I'd like this to be. At some points, I've thought to make this strictly a place for me to chronicle my daily journey as a wife, mom, and teacher. On other days I've thought about covering politics and the issues of the day. Still other days, I've thought of making this a safe place for people dealing with the pain of infertility to come and receive encouragement and support. One thing was for sure-- uncertainty was certain!

Well, it all finally became a little clearer to me after I received an email yesterday. A really nice lady googled one of the topics previously mentioned and stumbled upon my little blog. It's funny how God works because I instantly knew where I wanted to take this blog after reading that email. So, thank you, visitor! (Yes, I do remember your name!)

So, ladies and gentlemen, I will still chronicle my journey as a wife, mom, teacher, friend, and citizen, but I will do it from a Christian perspective. I think I do that a lot already, but I really want that to be the overall theme of this blog. Am I saying that I have arrived in terms of my faith or that I know it all? Absolutely not! God certainly knows me and knows I have a LONG way to go. But I am, hopefully, making forward progress. Besides, I am hoping that we can discuss issues from a biblical standpoint and all learn some things in the process.

So, please feel free to share your thoughts, feelings, and issues you'd like to discuss. I'm hoping this can grow into a community of people who are positive and supportive as we look for God's fingerprints in our everyday lives.