Checking in...

A very dear friend checked in with me last night and noted that I had been very distant lately. There is nothing in particular going on. I have just been going through a period of inner reflection. To be honest, I did not even realize that I had turned off contact with much of the outside world. I felt awful when I really thought about it because I realized that I really had not talked to my friend in some time.

Charge it to my head and not my heart.

I am going through a state of change right now, and I really just have not had a lot to say. That is not to say that God has not been present and that He is not working in my life because He has been and He is. I even went out on a date the other day! (Yes, it was very nice.) However, I am just not ready to share those things right now. Part of the reason is that I am not even sure of the whats and wheres of everything myself right now. I am just taking it day by day, minute by minute, trying to intentionally live in each of the moments God blesses me with.

So if I am quiet for a minute, bear with me. If you know me well, then you also know that my quiet periods don't last very long, and I have LOTS to say!

Have a fabulous Monday, Loves!

Everything Must Change

According to Greek philosopher, Heraclitus, "The only thing constant is change."

I am currently going through a period of renewal in my life. In order to truly do this, I am going to have to make some much-needed changes. I walked through every room of my apartment this morning and saw just how cluttered my physical space is. It is not dirty or anything; there is just too much stuff. Then I thought about my sleep patterns (or lack thereof) and realized that I am mentally cluttered as well. In short, I have so many things going on that I am not doing ANY of them as well as I could. Soooo...

Time to get rid of the excess "stuff" in my life to actually make room for the blessings headed my way!

I have a plan that is beginning to shape up nicely. The first thing I have done is deactivated dating site accounts. I will be letting go of all social media (except for this blog) by July 1 as well. I just do not have time for all of that. I love my friends and extended friendships dearly, but those who are really important know my number and email addresses. I also plan to commit to a workable schedule that makes sense. I need to go to bed at a decent hour and get proper rest. As part of that schedule, I need to spend quiet time alone with The Lord, commit at least an hour each day for working out, and spend more time cooking healthy meals. with us always on the go, we are eating far too much by way of processed, high-fat, crappy foods. The short of it is that I, simply, need to guard and be much more selfish about my time. Lord knows, if I do not respect my time, no one else will have respect for it either!

Anyway, this list is just a start. I do not want to lay all of the specifics out on Blogger at this time, and things will become even clearer as I get underway. I don't know what it is, but I feel that there is something FAR bigger for me at the end of this process.

See you on the journey!

Throwback Thursday, Anyone?

Since everyone and their grandmother seems to post old pictures on Thursdays, I thought I would add an old one to the pile. First, though, are there any pay phones left anywhere? Second, no, I am not sure who I am talking to, but the conversation looks to be entertaining, if that Koolaid smile is any indication! LOL

Thanks, Dre, for sending this one to me (via FB of all places). Who knew you still had this. Now, if I could just find that one of you in the Freddy Krueger sweater... ,

My latter will be greater... (Job 8:7)

I sought the Lord today about several things, one being the potential of a meaningful romantic relationship in my life. The Lord spoke to my spirit in great detail about some questions I had, and He spoke a word over my life that caused goosebumps to raise all over me.

There is a saying that people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. The truth is that some people are just not called to fit into God's long-term plans for us. Perhaps they are there to teach us a lesson. Maybe that heartbreak was intended to be the catalyst that gets us moving in the right direction. Perhaps that person you thought just might be the one was really sent to renew the hope of something better and to get you to open your heart to receive the one God really has planned for your life. Just maybe that boss who seems to block your elevation at work has kept you from headache, stress, and a future that is all wrong for you. I am completely at peace with all of the answers that God gave me to the questions I had. Not all of them were ones I wanted to hear, but thank goodness that He does not operate according to OUR wishes!

Throughout our time together, I kept hearing, Your latter will be greater. Just trust Me and receive Me, and I will do some things that will blow your mind; things that will leave people scratching their heads in the natural realm. Trust and receive and I will show you that your latter days will be greater than your entire life before.

Wow. Just wow. I still have goosebumps even now. What God has for me is for me, and I want it. I receive it. My prayer is that you seek the Lord today and receive a word for yourself. You, too, can experience the greatest days of your life ahead. If God has a blessing for me, then He certainly is a big enough God to have one just for you.

I love you, and I pray all God's blessings over your life. In the mighty name of Jesus. Amen.

Plugging In

It really has been on my heart lately to reengage in my church. This morning, I investigated different ministry opportunities and sent out messages to the appropriate group leaders. In the meantime, I plan to set aside time each day to increase my one-on-one time with the Lord.

At church this morning, the first thing I did was write out my tithe check for the unexpected money I received yesterday. I couldn't help but marvel at the fact that God provided the seed for me to sow, and is still willing to allow that seed to be multiplied. Then the guest minister got up to preach and confirmed several things that the Lord has placed on my heart over the last few days.

I have a renewed sense of purpose and more hope than ever that my future is bright. I am so ready to continue pressing on and to walk out this wonderful life God has blessed me with. Although I do one day dream of walking out this life as part of a we instead of an I, I know that whatever the Lord has for me is just for me and is absolutely perfect.

I'll leave you today with something the guest minister said that I can chew on. Maybe you can too...

What I make happen for God's house, God makes happen for my house. - Steve Alessi 6/23/13

Inside Out, Part II

Me: Yes?!!! What do you mean, 'Yes'? You are seriously trying to kill me?
Him: You said, "More of You and less of me, God." More of Me means getting rid of you.
Me: So you mean I will have NO life?
Him: More of Me means less of you. You choose your life.

Let me stop here to say that I was still a fairly new Christian at the time. Yes, I went to the occasional service growing up, and I attended catechism classes, but I was never really encouraged to read the Bible for myself or to develop a relationship with God for myself until I went into the Army and saw some new things. So there in Leesville, LA, I had a choice to make. I'd like to say I completely sold out to God and have been serving Him faithfully ever since. That would be a lie, though. The truth is, I did gain more of the Lord. Much more; but I also chose to keep some of the "me" He was willing to remove. In the end, I settled for a relationship with a man that was less than God's best for me. I know this because, although we both appeared to be serving the Lord, the commitment did not last. Instead, within several months, I began to see my new husband's violent side and knew that it was just a matter of time before the verbal and emotional abuse I suffered would turn physical. Thankfully, when I prayed for an out, the Lord provided me with one, and I was able to break free.

However, how different could my life have been had I truly trusted God and waited for Him to complete the work He started in me the first time?

I wish I could say I totally sold out for God even after the wedding debacle. Oh, I had periods where I was on fire for the Lord, serving Him with gladness and really growing in Him by leaps and bounds. I sang for the Lord, I worked with God's children, I had a robust prayer life. However, I still continued to have one foot in Heaven and the other in the world. In fact, I often sought my own way and, before too many years had passed, found myself back in a situation where I again settled for "good enough." But then again, there should have been no surprise there because I did not choose the BEST CHOICE as my first choice in the first place.

Fast forward to 2013.

Pt III tomorrow...

Killing Me From the Inside Out

I woke up this morning to the thought of an incident that happened while I was in the Army, stationed at Ft. Polk, LA. I was the only female soldier from my unit who lived in the barracks, so my experience was QUITE interesting. There was very little to do in Leesville, so I found a church that I loved and became an active member. This church offered many ministries, so before long, I was attending several times per week. Most of my fellow soldiers would see me at PT, at work, occasionally in the mess hall, and in the evenings heading out with my fancy little Bible case on my way to church. Many of the guys in my unit obviously decided that I needed protection from the wolves and declared themselves my big brothers. These fools grilled anyone who came within 10 feet of me and screened my calls (no cell phones at that time!). You would have thought I was under witness protection or something!

One day, a guy who had been checking me out from a nearby battalion stopped to chat with me as I was returning to my barracks from duty. My barracks was one of many that housed several battalions and formed a large courtyard type of area. Unbeknownst to me, a soldier from a neighboring signal battalion saw this guy approach me and decided to take it upon himself to let the guy know that I was off limits.

"Hey, you can't talk to her. That's 'The Little Church Girl'!"

The guy who wanted to talk to me then stepped back quickly as if he had been seared with a hot iron, contorted his face and said, "YOU'RE 'The Little Church Girl'? Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry." He quickly proceeded to exit stage left.

Seriously, Dude?!! Who in the heck was the idiot yelling out the window from across the way anyway? I didn't even know him. And what in the world had people been told about 'The Little Church Girl'? I was angry and wanted immediate answers at that point, so I grabbed the nearest 'big brother' by the scruff of his collar. (Truth be told, I could probably beat the crap out of most of my 'big brothers' despite them wanting to protect me!) In fear, he just said, "It's nothing bad. It's just that everyone knows that you are... like... really HOLY." I didn't know if I should laugh or slap the daylights out of him, so I released him.

Well, I see I won't be getting any dates at Ft. Polk.

At church, the prospects were slim to none as well. There were some single guys in my age range, but they were trying to find who they were in Christ, so all of their conversation seemed to include "thee" and "thou" a lot. So yeah, there were going to be no dates there either.

It was high time for God and I to have a little talk because this was getting out of hand. (How young and naïve and stupid I was! LOL)

Me: What is the deal, Lord? First off, ALL of my friends got these cushy assignments overseas, but you sent me to the armpit of the Army. Now you have made me a social leper. What is my lesson here- to see just how long it takes to kill me from the inside out?
Him: Yes.

To be continued...

Shakin' things up...

There is a popular quote that says, "If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got." After reflecting on these words awhile, I have to say that Henry Ford was right. I think about my life and about my hopes and dreams. There are many things that I desire, but I have yet to attain them. I do realize that I probably have not attained those things because I live my life predictably. Safe. Protected. All neatly packaged and wrapped with a bow, hidden behind the walls of this fortress I have erected around myself. It's difficult to make a significant impact on the world while in hiding. (Well, it depends on where one hides, I suppose.)

I dream of impacting the youth of this world in far greater numbers than my career currently allows. This passion I have cannot be truly realized, however, until I make the decision to step out of my comfort zone and be all that I know God has called me to be. It takes courage to step into one's destiny. The crazy thing is that I have never been one who has been easily frightened. So why, then, do I most fear the things that are at the very core of my being? What exactly do I fear? Is it failure... or success? Is it rejection, or is acceptance more frightening? You see, with acceptance, one has to open oneself up to receive those who receive you. That means allowing others within the walls of the fortress. It means knocking down walls. It means being vulnerable and having to trust that others will respect that sacred space at the core of all that I am. Trust. Belief. Interdependence.

After all, no man is an island.

So with a deep sigh, I am purposing within my heart to do things differently. I am opening up and stepping out on the knowledge that God will order my steps. The future requires it, and my destiny insists upon it. Pray for me, because change is never easy.

To be continued...

Find Your Passion

When I was five years old, I wanted to be a veterinarian. Well, that is until I saw Dr. McGruder stick his gloved finger into the dog's rear end. At that moment, my desire to become a real-life Dr. Doolittle came to a screeching halt. There was no way I was going to stick my finger up a dog's butt! Years later, I found myself telling people that I wanted to be a biomedical engineer. Actually, the engineer part is what my Grandmother gently and repeatedly told me that I was going to be. The biomedical part came much later as I made an attempt to make my grandmother's dream for me something closer to my own. After all, a biomedical engineer had to be much cooler than the geeky guys and gals running around with the pocket protectors and pens hanging out of their pockets, right?

Fast forward thirty years. No, I am not a biomedical engineer. In fact, I am in a field that I NEVER even considered as a child. Teaching? Pshaw! I didn't even like kids and I knew teachers did not make any "real" money, so teaching never entered my mind. No way, no how!

For several of the past school years, I have created a binder in which each student has a page dedicated to only them. On this page, they share what they hope to become when they grow up and their reasons why. Today was no exception. Prior to setting them free to write, the children and I had a discussion about our dreams and finding things we are passionate about. In each class, our conversations yielded something I did not realize. It didn't matter if the student came from The United States or Vietnam, Guatemala or Czechoslovakia, India or Ethiopia. Lots of students were just like I was- planning to follow some other person's dreams for their lives.

Here is an interesting exchange I had with one child:

Student: Well, my parents told me that I have to be a lawyer, but I hate the thought of doing that job.
Me: Okay. So what do you think you might want to become one day?
Student: A lawyer.
Me: Why would you become a lawyer if the job is something you HATE the thought of?
Student: Because that is what my parents want me to be.
Me: I see. Let's have a hypothetical situation. If a career field in law was not available to you, what would YOU like to do?
Student: (looking totally bewildered) I don't understand your question.
Me: If money were not an issue and parents' wishes were not an issue, what would you like to become as an adult?
Student: Well, I never really thought about it. I just figured I would be a lawyer because that is what my parents said.
Me: (to the entire class) Boys and girls, how many of you are in this same situation? (About 5 other hands go up.) Hmmm, let's discuss this. The world, My Dears, is full of people who walk around miserable, hating their jobs, their coworkers, their families, and their lives because they accepted someone else's dream for their lives instead of finding what it is they were really born to do. Life is way too short to be miserable every single day. You then get to the end of your life and find that you did nothing you wanted to do. So find that thing that, when you are alone in front of the mirror, you find yourself acting out. Do you dance? Do you sing? Do you practice jokes? Do you dream of speaking in front of a crowd, defending some person in court? Perhaps you pretend to do surgery on the bar of soap. What do you spend the most time dreaming about, whether you share those dreams with anyone else or not? THAT is the thing you are most passionate about.

So, just like those young minds today, I ask you the same question. What do YOU dream about when you are alone? What do you imagine yourself doing when you are in front of that mirror? Are you living THAT dream or one a loved one or society chose FOR you? More importantly, are you HAPPY? You see, life is too short to live it in misery. There is something to be said about loving what you do. If you truly love what you do, great! You found it, and no bad day that comes along while you do it will stop you from going back to it tomorrow. If, on the other hand, you are like the person I described before- miserable and hating your life, resenting everything and everyone else- then you have some soul-searching to do and some changes to make. If you really want to, of course. Your life, your happiness is all up to you today, so get started. I certainly believe in you, and God does too!

Almost To... Happy? (Trois)

Well, the hits just keep on coming.

Since my last entry, I have rekindled- and lost- what I thought of as my deepest friendship. Warning: I may possibly be a little too transparent here, so if you are prone to pearl-clutching, perhaps you should visit on another day when I am a little more 'spiritual'. Coz right here, right now, this is my spot and I'm about to keep it real.

I have... HAD... a friend with whom I have shared some of my most vulnerable moments and some of my deepest secrets. The converse is true as well. (If you know me, then you know that I have MAJOR issues with trust, so this was a friendship with deeeep roots.) At any rate, this person recently showed me that their friendship was not genuine. The level of callousness at which they showed their true colors cut me to the quick and killed my sense of trust. I was left wondering how a person could ever come back from taking such a hit.

I think I started grieving the loss of the friendship almost as if someone had died. I felt as if I had taken another hit that I was sooo unready to take. All I wanted to do was yell at them, to scream at the top of my lungs, "How could you do this to me, of all people? You, who knows the secrets and the hurts and the pain and where the holes are. How could you deal me a fatal blow? How, you mother******?!!!"

Another blow. Another loss. Another hole to be filled. After so many, how does one move on? I was in yet another wilderness place. Was the wilderness destined to be my new home? What was I missing? What lessons did I not learn?

But you know what? God remembered me and I remembered Him. I just talked to Him openly and honestly. I talked and He listened. Then He talked and I listened. And He sent genuine people alongside to minister to my wounds. They bound me up with love and kindness and laughter and joy and with the Word... and at some point during the night while I slept, God performed surgery on my heart. I woke up the next morning with a new song. I was no longer angry. Instead, I felt a peace within me that this was not the end of my story. I understand that loss is part of living and that not everyone is called to walk along with us at every season of our lives. The person, my former friend, was just no longer called to my life... and that's okay, too, because I know that God has my back, front and flank. And more than anything, The Lord has shown me that, as I prepare to move into what I believe to be my season of greatness, those He has placed around me are the ones He has chosen to be armor bearers in my life.

I would be lying if I said I do not think about past events, but as quickly as thoughts and a little bit of sadness creep in, I try to make a conscious choice to release it. It's not easy, though, y'all, as I am indeed a work in progress. Continue to pray for me, alright?

Finally! I've made a decision.

Since the inception of this blog, I have vacillated between several different ideas I've had about the type of blog I'd like this to be. At some points, I've thought to make this strictly a place for me to chronicle my daily journey as a wife, mom, and teacher. On other days I've thought about covering politics and the issues of the day. Still other days, I've thought of making this a safe place for people dealing with the pain of infertility to come and receive encouragement and support. One thing was for sure-- uncertainty was certain!

Well, it all finally became a little clearer to me after I received an email yesterday. A really nice lady googled one of the topics previously mentioned and stumbled upon my little blog. It's funny how God works because I instantly knew where I wanted to take this blog after reading that email. So, thank you, visitor! (Yes, I do remember your name!)

So, ladies and gentlemen, I will still chronicle my journey as a wife, mom, teacher, friend, and citizen, but I will do it from a Christian perspective. I think I do that a lot already, but I really want that to be the overall theme of this blog. Am I saying that I have arrived in terms of my faith or that I know it all? Absolutely not! God certainly knows me and knows I have a LONG way to go. But I am, hopefully, making forward progress. Besides, I am hoping that we can discuss issues from a biblical standpoint and all learn some things in the process.

So, please feel free to share your thoughts, feelings, and issues you'd like to discuss. I'm hoping this can grow into a community of people who are positive and supportive as we look for God's fingerprints in our everyday lives.

Author, Author!

I have been absent again because I am working on a book I am writing. My goal has been to get it finished by the time I return to work in a few weeks. I hope to get finished and then move onto editing, but I am also a bit overwhelmed with preparing a staff development training from scratch that I have to present on the first day we return. I pray to get it all done.

Oh, a friend of mine asked which book I'm trying to finish. Last year, I started a fictional work loosely based on the lives of people in my family. I still plan to complete it, but I have moved it to the back burner for now because I just don't have the time right now to work out some problems I am encountering with a couple of the characters. Maybe Christmas break will be a good time for me to look at it again.

Anyway, the one I'm working on right now is basically a testimony of my journey through the years to become a mother. I am talking about the anti-cancer treatments and resulting weight gain, years of infertility and recurrent miscarriage, the foster and adoption process we looked into, and Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ART). I know this is not a story that will appeal to a huge audience, but I feel it is an important one to tell nonetheless. I am amazed by the number of women/couples I meet who are facing the harshness of infertility every day, and I want to be a light of hope for them. It took twelve years for me, but the blessing did come. If God did it for me, He can do it for anyone!

The chapter I am currently working on deals with the issue of The Church and people's perceptions of Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ART). Very interesting stuff indeed!

I will keep you posted on my progress. Just keep me in your prayers.

Seeing Me For the First Time in a Long Time

I caught a glimpse of myself getting out of the shower today. Trust me, it is a visual you DO NOT want! I thought, "Did I look this way yesterday?" I was not pleased with what I saw, knowing that I've been too busy and stressed out to really see myself... for a long time.

I went yesterday to get my baseline mammogram done. Yeah, I know I should have had that done when I was 35, but I let life get in the way. The first year, my excuse was the babies. The next couple of years, it was TAKS time and I didn't have time for it. Humph!

Why is it always that way? As women, we tend to put everything and everyone ahead of ourselves, much to our own detriment. I know there have been too many times to count when I have put the needs of my family, my friends, or my job ahead of my own. I don't even know how many times I have been sick as a dog, yet I'd pull myself out of the bed and forge ahead on wobbly legs just so I wouldn't disappoint someone who "needed" me.

Now, here I am struggling with my weight and my blood pressure with my hair standing all over my head wondering how I got to this place. The reality is that I know exactly how I got here. I put life and everything in it first, and I've had nothing left for ME.

But now I'm at a crossroads.

What good to anyone am I if I am dead? Sure, they love me and will miss me for a little while, but they will keep right on living and breathing and doing all the things I like to think they won't be able to do without me.

And what if my mammogram does show a problem? Other than solving the problem with my jacked up hair, how will I be able to take care of my business? I have GOT to get myself together. I look over at my husband and my kids and KNOW that it's something I HAVE to do.

Damn. (I hope that doesn't offend your delicate sensibilities!)

The problem is that I honestly don't even know where to start with fixing all of this. I've spent soooo many years trying to be all things to all people that I don't even know what it is I'm supposed to be to myself. I know I have to prioritize, but there's so much that I need to work on right now that I can't even think straight.

There is a lesson here.

Never, never, NEVER allow yourself to be so far at the end of your priority list that you forget to do you. I know it is so hard for women who are wives, mothers, employees, church members, daughters, sisters... The list can be never-ending. But we must, Ladies, be willing to carve out time for ourselves. We must. If not, we wake up one morning, much as I did today, wondering how on earth we let our bodies, our health, our (hair!), our weight, finances... (You get the message; just fill in your own list)... get to a point where we do not recognize them at all.

We are more important than that. I'm more important than that. I just forgot for several long moments who I am and whose I am.

But now I remember.

And I hope you do, too.

So, if you will stand with me, I will make this journey. I really want you with me. And I want to be here, too. Not just for my husband or my kids or my students or my friends, but for me.

Now, where was I? Did I mention my hair is a mess? I'm gonna have to cut it and start over. Yeah.

Y'all pray for me, okay?

And so it begins

I never really thought about blogging. I have a few friends who do. One is very good about updating and has a loyal following. I'm not really sure what I want this blog to be--either a daily place for me to rant and muse or a place chock full of intellectual thought. I guess it will be what it is to be.

I've decided to call myself The Thinking Princess (more about that later!), and I originally thought to call this small corner of the 'Net "The Thinking Woman's Guide to the World." However, I don't know if I'm really ready to guide anyone anywhere. I do so much of that throughout the year--guiding, that is. I'm a teacher. A really good teacher. I'm not being boastful. It is what it is. I am a REALLY GOOD TEACHER.

Still, I'm not satisfied. I want to be better. Always better. Always the best.

Perhaps that's why I'm taking to blogging. Perhaps it's an outlet I need... a place to think. A place to ponder the events of the day. A place to go to just BE without having to be the good teacher who is never satisfied.