Sidenote to the imposter

To the "Christian" blogger with the hidden agenda, you *should* know that GOD sees and hears EVERYTHING and would NEVER allow His daughter to walk into such a trap. Yeah... Best of luck to you.

On to real news...

Just Eeewwwww....

Yesterday was torturous. I awoke from a nap to a terrible sinus headache. Although it was not a migraine, the pain partnered with the slight dizziness from inner ear pressure had me close to the point of being violently ill. I went to the medicine cabinet for pain medication and discovered that I was out! (How do these things happen to me??!!) I knew I would not be able to take it for much longer, so I loaded up the kiddos and headed to the nearest store. While looking at the different pain relief options, I was approached by a man clearly into his fifties or more. I respect my elders, so I answered with as much politeness as my pain-consumed mind would allow. My politeness, however, quickly turned to coldness and then to anger.

Man: Hey, Pretty Lady. I just wanted to tell you that your hair is beautiful.
Me (remembering that I had flat-ironed it the previous day): Oh, thank you so much.
Man: You are very pretty.
Me (warily): Thank you.
Man: Yes, very pretty. I would love to take you out sometime.
Me (now completely agitated as I pointedly look at his wedding ring): Take me out? Really? So is your wife coming too?
Man: Ah, no. My wife knows how much I love women.
Me: Aw, Lawd, I can't. Sir, get the hell away from me.

What the what?!! Why do I get the pleasure of meeting all the deviants, the old ho's and the wanna-be playa-playa's? Do I have a sign that says "All applications accepted"? I wanted to blog about this last night, but I just had no words other than "Eeewwwww," and "Whyyyyy?"

That experience gives rise to a few other topics that I would like to discuss:
1.) Why do women stay in long-term relationships with serial cheaters (and vice-versa)?
2.) The signs that a man (or woman) is DWA Dating While Attached;
3.) Games men and women play in dating;
4.) Guarding one's heart without putting up insurmountable walls.

I'm sure there will be many more topics to come as a result of these, so be on the lookout for them this week; and be sure to comment because these are dialogues that really need to take place.

Have a terrific Tuesday, Loves!

Lessons hard learned...

NEVER MAKE SOMEONE A PRIORITY IN YOUR LIFE WHEN YOU ARE JUST AN OPTION IN THEIRS!

I woke up thinking about someone I know. As hard as it is to admit sometimes, not everyone is going to think about/feel for/act toward us as we think they should. It could just be that they are just not that into you. One thing I have learned from having a couple of guy best friends in my younger days (Thanks, LA and Rodney!) is that, if a man is truly interested in being with you, he will move the stars, if possible, to let you know it. You will never have to wonder, try to figure it out, or chase him for the answer or the proof, etc. He will be quick to show it through his words AND his actions. Period. Point blank. End of story.

If a potential love interest's words and the actions do not agree, then stop allowing them to take up rent-free space in your head and heart. Seriously. It will sting for a minute, but that is FAR better than simmering on someone else's back burner. The truth is actually one of only a handful of things: 1) They are not looking for the same kind of relationship that you are; 2) They ARE looking for the same kind of relationship, just not with YOU; or 3) They want to keep you on the back burner in case they do not find the "something better" they are obviously looking for. None of those options are good enough for someone as fabulous, smart, blessed, and worthy as you. So, seriously, shake the dust off, pick your face up, and Keep.It.Moving. In truth, God has someone who WILL attempt to move the stars... just for you!

That was my public service announcement for the day. You are now free to move about the country! ;)

Have a great day, Loves!

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies...

Author's Note: This is an entry from a few years ago that was never published. I do not even know why I did not publish it at the time, but it is still relevant. Just a reminder to my sisters (and to myself) to never settle for less than God's best. Love you.

I am going to need my sisters to stop settling for a man for the sake of being able to say you have a man. If you're my friend, then I know there is something of quality about you. I don't make it a habit to run around with people who aren't about anything. So, knowing that about you, I know you have qualities in you that make you worthy of God's (and a man's) best.

Why am I going there today, you ask?

Well, I recently reconnected with a friend who is still unmarried. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not one to push marriage on anyone. I know it is not for everyone. However, this friend really wants to be married one day. She longs for a great marriage with a man who is her equal... or at least complementary. The problem is that this smart, beautiful, successful woman has run into more than her fair share of broke, busted, disgusted, lying, trifling, and philandering men. Well, at the very least, they have been all wrong for her.

Now, I know your first thought is this: If she is as put together as I say, then why is she still being drawn to these types of men? Well, I DON'T KNOW! This sista is at the top of her game professionally. She is also a published author who loves the Lord and has her credit and her money right, in addition to countless other good qualities. So what is the REAL problem? Why, then, is she still putting up with somesuch nonsense?

As we talked about her latest relationship, something that she said really struck me. She said, "Girl, I am tired. I don't want to have to learn another birthday, another middle name, meet another mama, or meet another group of friends. God may actually have the person who is right for me on a plane at this moment, and we may bump into each other at the grocery store and we'll know we've finally found "the one" and be married and making babies in a year. But I am tired. I just want God to make THIS one right."

O-O-O-kay! Starting point. Yes, I know this young lady is tired- of her propensity toward trifling, lying, deceptive men. I would be tired as well. SO, what do we do when we get tired? We make changes!

This lady has been in some long-term relationships with men she has known for many, many years. But what I think she has failed to do is really look at them. Length of time knowing someone does not necessarily correlate to the depth of friendships. (I can't take the credit for that one. Those were her words). Any woman in this situation needs to ask herself, "In all of the years I have known this man, what has he shown me about his character?" Seriously. We tend to let our real selves hang out when we are around friends we are not in a relationship with. Girls, if you saw him tipping, slipping, and acting a fool with some other woman, please know that he has shown you his true self. Has he shown that he cannot manage his money? Red flag! Have you seen incidences as his friend when he has proven to be unreliable? Red flag! Ladies, that does not change just because you are the new flavor of the month. Don't for a moment think that the juncture of your thighs will make him change his ways. That is a dime a dozen. So, what REALLY is different about you?

Sisters, we have got to get to a place where we are comfortable laying down the deal-breakers and what it is we truly want from the relationship up front. Stop hemming and hawing thinking you might scare him off. If he is serious and ready to come to you correctly, he will appreciate the honesty and conduct himself accordingly. If he is not willing to operate within those boundaries, then no harm, no foul. Let him keep stepping and you keep it moving. He is not the be all, and end all.

Look at it this way: If you are a man's missing rib, shouldn't the pieces fit together correctly?

Go marinate on that and get back with me.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does...

I received a message from a person from my past. Apparently, he has been reflecting on his life lately and thought it would be a good idea to call and make amends for past mistakes. I get that, and I was, on some level, glad to give him the forgiving word he obviously needed in order to move into the next level he was seeking in life. Since I did not know him well anymore, I gave him the Google Voice number that I give to casual acquaintances. During the course of catching up, he asked me about my relationship status. I did not think too much of the question because it seems to be standard when catching up with people from the past. I told him that I was divorced and currently going through a period of renewal, and he told me that he was in a somewhat complicated relationship with a woman with whom he had two children. However, after a few more minutes of talking, he mentioned that he was coming to town because he was considering moving back (not happy with his current situation), and he wanted to know if I was willing to meet for dinner and drinks. When I hesitated in responding, he launched into an explanation which included him telling me that he had thought about me nonstop for the last several months and wanted to contact me many times, that I was the only woman that he has really ever loved, yadda yadda yadda... Interspersed in there somewhere was him telling me everything wrong he could possibly think of about the girlfriend/baby mama/friend with benefits chick he was with.

What the what?!!! Pump the damn doggone brakes!

Needless to say, the rest of the conversation did not go well.

Me: Whoa! Let me stop you right there. First of all, you and I could NEVER meet for dinner and drinks because you have just let me know the kind of man you are. You see, I could have chalked the past up to youthful ignorance. However, the fact that you would sit on this phone and talk so nastily about the woman who gave you children in the hopes that you might possibly weasel your way into getting a piece of ass having relations with me lets me know that you are NOT the type of man I would want to spend any amount of time with. Are you insane? (What if he had said 'yes'? LOL)
Him: No, no, no. That is not what I was saying. I wasn't trying to come on to you. I was just hoping you could be a friend I could talk to from time to time because you always gave good advice.
Me: Boy, BYE!

Now, don't get it twisted. If I said I had not fallen for the okie-doke a time or two, I would be lying. However, that was a long time ago, and when you know better, you do better. There is no way in the world I would ever go back to being stupid. Instead, I just shake my head, keep it moving, and keep believing that God has something MUCH better in store for me.

Perhaps tomorrow we will discuss the propensity of men (and women) toward playing games in dating even into their late thirties and beyond.

Honor Your Father and Mother

Like I said earlier, I had to defriend someone from my FaceBook account because she was being disrespectful to her mama.

Now, the Lord knows that I have not made the best decisions all the time when it comes to dealing with my own mother, but despite how angry she has ever made me-- and she has done so A LOT!!!-- I have never, never, never, EVER called her out of her name or in any way threatened her.

This child (teenager, going to 12th grade) is the daughter of a friend of mine. At first I thought it was cute when I received her friend request. But that changed QUICKLY! See, my friend and her daughter are having a hard time relating right now for a number of reasons. There seems to be so much more to the story that I am not privy to, but that is their business and I respect that. Anyway, I have been noticing the daughter writing things in her status that are, in my opinion, extremely disrespectful towards her mother. I know she intentionally writes those things to hurt her mom since her mother can see everything she writes. I wrote her a private message letting her know that, although I do not know what all is going on between them, life is so short and is not at all promised to us. I asked her, essentially, to ask herself this: If your mother died today, would you be forever okay with the way things are between you? If your answer is yes, then there is really nothing else I can say other than to just keep it moving. But if the answer is no,then you need to make sure that you take the necessary steps on your end to start making it right today. Once we are gone, it will be too late the say the things we should have said or to take back the things we knew we should not have said. I left it there and went about about my business.

The child did not respond to my message and, in fact, continued to post disrespectful status messages toward her mother. I guess, in her reckless youth, she made the decision she felt she needed to.

The last straw for me, though, was this final exchange (paraphrased): (Warning: foul language)

(apparently, the mother had written and told the child she loved her)

Friend's daughter's status message: Seriously, just leave me the f*** alone!
Daughter's friend #1: What's going on? Whose ass do I need to kick?
Daughter's friend #2: So, your (sic) gonna kick her mother's ass? LMAO!
Friend's daughter: LMAO!!!

Okay! I was HOT I tell you! I had reached the end of my rope with this little girl! The level of disrespect was just too much! So rather than beating her with a red hot poker or saying what was REALLY on my mind, I just deleted her from my friends list so I'd never have to see her disrespectful posts again. I understand that it does, indeed, take a village to raise a child, but I also understand that not everyone in the village has permission to beat the child's butt.

It does seem, though, that somewhere along the way the message of honoring your father and mother (Ephesians 6:2-3) got missed. I'm just saying...

One spoiled dog!

Could someone please explain to me why my dog, Chopper, will not drink his water without ice cubes floating in it? Seriously, he is a DOG! Whenever I go to the fridge to get ice for my cup or for the kiddos, he will look at me like I'm the crazy one and bark until he gets a couple of cubes in his water, too.

Oh, now don't get me wrong. To be 10-12 pounds, he puts up a good front barking and running up on visitors like he's going to actually do something. Then he goes to the water bowl to check on his ice.

Yeah, whatever!

Spoiled I tell you!

Let's get it together, Ladies

Yesterday, I spoke with a friend with whom I had lost touch. She was in a bad place and my heart really hurt for her. She told me about a relationship she was in that was not going the way she had thought it would. The guy, who had pursued her for quite some time, seemed to possess all of the qualities of an ideal mate plus a few not-so ideal qualities. Those not-so-ideal qualities were BIG ones. They should have been deal breakers, in my opinion.

However, she has been waiting for the guy to get it together... for a LONG time!

This troubled me deeply. Very deeply.

I'm not going into specifics about this friend's problem because those details aren't really relevant. To be honest, I'm sure we have all had past relationships that can be filled into the blanks here.

Anyway, I got to thinking about her situation and wondered why on earth we women get ourselves into these predicaments. Her story is not so unusual. She is successful in her career and is well-respected in many different circles. She works hard, has her money and credit right, and she is a homeowner and responsible citizen. So, how does one so put together end up "settling" for a man?

Oh, I hear a couple of you saying, "How do YOU know she's settling for a man?" Well, here is how I know: She listed off men she has known and had long-term relationships with. This one she has known since first grade. She stated that she's tired of going through the process of learning all about a guy and, eventually, meeting his parents and friends. She is almost 40, successful in many areas, and has never been married, although she has wanted to for some time now. I get that. I totally get hearing the biological clock ticking. I also get the dream of marrying the handsome prince that was instilled early in little girls' lives. However, what I don’t get is the propensity toward unavailable, emotionally detached, immature, or wandering men.

Ladies, we have got to get to a place where we are comfortable laying down the deal-breakers and what it is we truly want from the relationship UP FRONT. Stop hemming and hawing thinking you might scare a man off. If a man is serious and ready to come to you correctly, he will appreciate the honesty and conduct himself accordingly. If he is not willing to operate within those boundaries, then no harm, no foul. Let him keep stepping and you keep it moving. He is not the be all and end all.

Prior to making some much-needed changes in her life, another friend of mine found herself in a relationship with a man who was there one day and gone for the next several. Their relationship was a revolving door with him doting on her and being a knight in shining armor for a few days, followed by total detachment – no calls, no visits, nothing-- for several more. This guy had pursued her for TEN years.

My question was how often the guy showed this HUGE character flaw while they were just friends. She didn’t give it much thought at first… because she hadn’t wanted to. It turns out that the guy showed his true self many years ago while dating another woman.

Sisters, if a man is tipping, slipping, and acting a fool while dating another woman, please do not fool yourselves into thinking for a moment that he is going to change when he gets with you. The juncture of your thighs is not all that different from someone else’s. I’m just saying.

Over a glass of wine one evening, she cried and poured put her soul out to me saying, “But I thought he was the one! He would always propose to me and tell me that I was his rib. He was supposed to be my soul mate.”

I’m going to say this one time, Sisters, so please get a pad and pen to write this down:

If you are a man’s missing rib, shouldn’t the pieces fit together properly?

Go marinate on that and get back with me.

Freaky-Deaky

I'm teaching a media literacy unit at school right now. I love doing this unit because I believe in the importance of teaching young people to be be knowledgeable consumers of products and information. It has been going pretty well with all of my classes, so I've felt good about everything.

Reality check!!

I thought I was doing some serious teaching today. A couple of boys who hadn't really paid attention without coercion all year seemed to be fully engrossed in our discussion. Well, what I found out later was that, since I had on a v-neck top today, they were looking at my cleavage.

Little pervs!

I told my husband when I got into the car this afternoon. Instead of wondering what was wrong with the boys like I did, he just laughed and said, "I'm just saying... I would've been looking, too." Big perv!

I'm not surprised, though. Anyone who teaches fourth grade can probably tell you about the hormone surge kids seem to go through between fourth and fifth grades. Kids get taller over the summer, girls start developing a little and going through their bodily changes, and boys get kind of mannish. What am I going to have to put up with next year when I move up with my classes?

Sheesh! I guess I'm going to have to wear turtlenecks every day!

I don't get it...

A guy tried to run my cousin down yesterday. He was on a horse.

Let me repeat that. He was ON. A. HORSE!

No, they were not on a ranch or even in a field. She was getting out of the car to return to her apartment. She doesn't have covered parking and had to park a little ways from her actual unit. Out of nowhere, a guy came charging toward her at full gallop. When she quickly moved out of the way, he turned the horse around and came at her again! It was then that she realized the guy was trying to run her down. She took off running and screaming toward her apartment. She dashed through parked cars and changed direction several times to hold him at bay. Finally, she got to her unit where she beat on the door for her son to open it. It was like something out of a movie from what I hear. The guy, laughing about it, came charging full speed toward her again and jumped the curb and into her breezeway just as her son opened the door. She lives on the first floor and she and her son had to, literally, push the horse's head out of the doorway to get it shut! The police was finally called, but the guy rode off before they got there.

Da hell you say??! She should have shot the guy AND the horse for all of that foolishness and mayhem!

Well, maybe not the horse! But definitely the guy. Definitely!