Let's get it together, Ladies

Yesterday, I spoke with a friend with whom I had lost touch. She was in a bad place and my heart really hurt for her. She told me about a relationship she was in that was not going the way she had thought it would. The guy, who had pursued her for quite some time, seemed to possess all of the qualities of an ideal mate plus a few not-so ideal qualities. Those not-so-ideal qualities were BIG ones. They should have been deal breakers, in my opinion.

However, she has been waiting for the guy to get it together... for a LONG time!

This troubled me deeply. Very deeply.

I'm not going into specifics about this friend's problem because those details aren't really relevant. To be honest, I'm sure we have all had past relationships that can be filled into the blanks here.

Anyway, I got to thinking about her situation and wondered why on earth we women get ourselves into these predicaments. Her story is not so unusual. She is successful in her career and is well-respected in many different circles. She works hard, has her money and credit right, and she is a homeowner and responsible citizen. So, how does one so put together end up "settling" for a man?

Oh, I hear a couple of you saying, "How do YOU know she's settling for a man?" Well, here is how I know: She listed off men she has known and had long-term relationships with. This one she has known since first grade. She stated that she's tired of going through the process of learning all about a guy and, eventually, meeting his parents and friends. She is almost 40, successful in many areas, and has never been married, although she has wanted to for some time now. I get that. I totally get hearing the biological clock ticking. I also get the dream of marrying the handsome prince that was instilled early in little girls' lives. However, what I don’t get is the propensity toward unavailable, emotionally detached, immature, or wandering men.

Ladies, we have got to get to a place where we are comfortable laying down the deal-breakers and what it is we truly want from the relationship UP FRONT. Stop hemming and hawing thinking you might scare a man off. If a man is serious and ready to come to you correctly, he will appreciate the honesty and conduct himself accordingly. If he is not willing to operate within those boundaries, then no harm, no foul. Let him keep stepping and you keep it moving. He is not the be all and end all.

Prior to making some much-needed changes in her life, another friend of mine found herself in a relationship with a man who was there one day and gone for the next several. Their relationship was a revolving door with him doting on her and being a knight in shining armor for a few days, followed by total detachment – no calls, no visits, nothing-- for several more. This guy had pursued her for TEN years.

My question was how often the guy showed this HUGE character flaw while they were just friends. She didn’t give it much thought at first… because she hadn’t wanted to. It turns out that the guy showed his true self many years ago while dating another woman.

Sisters, if a man is tipping, slipping, and acting a fool while dating another woman, please do not fool yourselves into thinking for a moment that he is going to change when he gets with you. The juncture of your thighs is not all that different from someone else’s. I’m just saying.

Over a glass of wine one evening, she cried and poured put her soul out to me saying, “But I thought he was the one! He would always propose to me and tell me that I was his rib. He was supposed to be my soul mate.”

I’m going to say this one time, Sisters, so please get a pad and pen to write this down:

If you are a man’s missing rib, shouldn’t the pieces fit together properly?

Go marinate on that and get back with me.

My Top Ten For a Lasting Marriage

Marriage is good. Really good. But it is work. Like a great garden, a marriage relationship is only as good as the time you spend cultivating the soil and tilling the land. Without the right amount of care, it will, before long, be overrun by unsightly weeds.

A friend recently asked me about marriage, specifically, what it is that keeps a marriage going. What makes a good marriage great? Well, I thought about it and thought some more and came up with my top ten (in no particular order). Here goes:

My Top Ten Keys To a Successful Marriage

1. Pray together at least once a day.
2. Have date night with your spouse once a week or, at the very least, twice per month. (And don't forget to hold hands!)
3. Try to keep your finger on the pulse of your relationship. If it needs a tune up or a recharge, do it immediately.
4. Remember that you two are a team, even through the inevitable adjustments from combining things "mine" and "yours". Talk about money, set joint financial goals, and don't "hide" money.
5. Never, never, never go to bed angry if you can help it. Since tomorrow is not promised, make every effort to come to some sort of resolution. Stated more clearly, be willing to be the first to apologize (no matter who started it). Then forgive, forgive, forgive... and mean it.
6. When things get rocky, as they sometimes do, remember what you love about your spouse today and look for it in them during those tough moments.
7. Make it a habit to look for at least one good thing that your spouse does that you can sincerely compliment him on or tell him you appreciate. Even if it's as small as telling him he smells nice after he gets out of the shower. Bottom line: Keep him feeling good about himself and he will give you the moon.
8. Never bring up past hurts or problems that your relationship has moved on from, especially not in the middle of an argument. That's also not the time to say ugly, hurtful things about his mama (even if she is fat, bald, snaggle-toothed, or country).
9. Don't allow yourself to get too tired or too busy to act silly sometimes. Laughter is the best medicine, especially in marriage.
10. Support his dreams and goals even if you think his idea will not work. If it does fail, he will love you for being in his corner without saying, "I told you so."

These Girls of Mine

It is not often that I am surprised by most people-- well, other than my twins, that is. It seems that I am always seeming to be amazed by something they say or do. Now, i know part of it is because they are mine, and like most parents, I think my girls are a couple of the smartest kids on earth. But more often than not, it is that they do something that seems to be ahead of where I, as an educator, think they should be developmentally.

Take today for example. I've been teaching my girls how to play the game of pool. Since they are waaay too small to play on a regulation sized table, I have been showing them the basics on a game called Pool Geometry on the Internet site CoolMath4Kids.com. (I know most people would not think of the relationship between pool and mathematics, but the game does require an understanding of Geometry-- specifically triangles). Anyway, they are good about telling me when either they (or I) scratch. They're also getting pretty good at aiming the cue stick so that the cue ball goes where it needs to go.

But I digress.

I told them that it was almost nap time, so they asked if we could play one game of pool. We did, and all was well. I then told them that it was time for their nap. Lia, the older twin, promptly told me that she was not planning to take a nap. Being the mom that I am, I politely gave her a choice. Here is how the exchange went:

Lia: I'm not taking a nap.
Me: Well, then, you have a choice to make. You can take a nap or get a spanking and take a nap.
Lia: Ummm, I'll take the pink one.
Me: What?? (accompanied by blank stare)
Lia: I'll take the pink one.

Now, for a few seconds I was totally confused. Then it hit me. When I buy something for them, I try to buy different colors to help them to distinguish one's property from the other. This is a MUST in our household. Usually, when there are things that are clearly girl items, I usually get one in pink and one in purple. They get to choose who gets what, but 99% of the time, Tootie chooses purple while Lia's choice is pink.

Without missing a beat, though, that little girl of mine burst out into a fit of laughter. She quickly said, "I'm just kidding. I'm going to take my nap."

Doesn't that sound like the humor and wit of someone much older than 4 years old? I knew it-- genius!