The Dichotomy of Me (Or, Learning To Live)

I love to sit silently and watch my children play. There really is nothing like listening to their squeals of delight and the inflection in their voices as they float from moment to moment, excited about each new discovery life sends their way. As they sing and dance to their made-up songs about the butterfly that just landed on a flower, I imagine them hearing the melodies of life and the rhythm created by each heartbeat, breath, voice, footstep, sight and sound. Together, these small sounds and moments- though not much on their own- come together to create quite the symphony for a child. Wow. As I watch them, I sometimes notice the dichotomy their freedom creates within me, the cognitive dissonance that often runs through me. I know it sounds crazy, but it is there. As delightful as watching them is for me, I also sometimes catch the feeling of jealousy creep up into the darkest recesses of my mind. Jealousy. I admit here and now that I am sometimes jealous of my children's ability to just detach themselves from any and everything and be able to live freely, taking each moment as it comes. Their looks of wide-eyed wonder as they greet each new sight and sound can only be compared to discovering a cold fountain to drink from on a hot, Texas summer day. It is as if those new discoveries are the very lifeblood that keeps them going. They move from moment to moment like that, and I listen really hard, trying to hear that melody again- or at least remember when I stopped hearing.

How does one regain the ability to live in the moment? When do we, as adults, cross that silent threshold where we forget to truly LIVE? We get so caught up in all the business of life that we forget to live it. I am in that place right now. I have been on Spring Break for the past week. Instead of just enjoying each moment as it comes, I have been consumed with solving every problem under the sun or ANTICIPATING problems and then solving those. I have focused on school work for next week, the remainder of the year, NEXT school year, medical issues, making sure all of my financial ducks are in a row in case anything ever happens to me, making sure of so many things... And at the end of the day, what does it all even matter? Tomorrow is not promised to anyone anyway. Yes, as a responsible parent, especially as a SINGLE parent raising small children, it is very important for me to have everything set should anything ever happen to me. However, the rest of it?

How backwards am I?!! Here I am, thinking about and planning for my death before I have even started to LIVE.

On Top of the World

It is so easy to be consumed with the busy-ness of each day that we fail to see just how far we have come. For me, the ending of this school year signified the ending of a major battle. Sure, it was a school year filled with challenges, but the biggest battle has been with...ME!

I seem to have this constant internal struggle going on: Am I doing all the right things? Should I have done more? If only I had... Next time, I am going to... And then there is the inexhaustible to-do list that is constantly on my mind. Whew! Just typing it out is exhausting!

Well, yesterday, I received several photo proofs from the girls' recent photo session. One picture in particular stopped me in my tracks. In it, the girls were jumping and appeared to be floating in air. Such a simple photo, but I immediately tried to remember what it felt like to be so free and unencumbered. Then I realized that the only thing that has been keeping me from that feeling of freedom is me. By whose order do I have to have every single little thing done by the end of the day? These deadlines are self-imposed. Sure, there are some things that have very real deadlines that have to be met, but most of the things I pressure myself down with are things that can be done tomorrow, the next day, or the next week. How liberating a feeling when you "get" something that is so simple, yet it has eluded you for so long!

As I sat poolside, watching my girls and looking at the pictures for the thousandth time that day, I realized just how easy it really is to lay aside the weights of my life and embrace the freedom I have to really, truly LIVE the best life ever. I am not too busy to take that trip or enter that doctoral program, or even to find love that doesn't require settling...

Before long, I started hearing Mary J. singing "Work That" in my head and I began humming along. Life is good, y'all; but it is about to get So.Much.Better.

To be continued...

Quick Note

I wrote quite a bit this week, but I did not publish the entries. One person asked me why I had not put anything new up on my blog and told me that they looked forward to checking every day to see what I had written for that day. I had no idea the person read it regularly because they never post a comment. If there are no comments, I assume no one is reading and I end up just journaling without sharing my thoughts. So, long story short: If you read the blog, please leave a comment from time to time to let me know what you think. It doesn't matter if you have an opposing viewpoint. My thoughts here are simply my thoughts, and they are subject to change at any time.

So, comment, People! LOL

Write the Vision...

Every Sunday morning, I have a standing chat appointment with a friend. During these conversations, we discuss our ups and downs from the previous week and just provide support and encouragement to each other. Well, today we talked about our vision for the the next five years. Once the visions were spoken, we challenged each other to, with the help of God, take the necessary steps to bring the visions into reality. Sounds simple enough, right?

Well, I realized that I often speak my goals in my mind and never share them with others. Whenever I change my mind or miss the mark, it is okay because it has always just been me, myself and I. However, when I spoke it to someone else, there was an instant feeling of accountability that came over me, as if I HAVE to follow through with it. But I want to take it even further. Time to write it down.

And the LORD answered me, and said, Write the vision, and make [it] plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it.
Habakkuk 2:2 (King James Version)

So here I am, putting it all out here. My immediate goal for this blog is to chronicle my journey over the course of a year. 365 days of being completely transparent, allowing you to see all of me- the good, the bad, and the ugly. I pray that over time, as I begin to come into my own as the woman God has called me to be, there will be something I experience or share that will speak to you as you take your own journey. I am excited to embark upon a process that I think will lead me to places that I have never imagined going. But I know that no matter what the next 365 days bring, I will be stronger, wiser, and much, much closer to my happy... however that is supposed to look.

My prayer is that this time and this process will lead you to your happy as well. See you on the journey!

--Nikki

Day 1:

Author's Note: What a day for a new beginning! As I look to the future, I decided to revisit a post from a couple years back. Other than no longer having a husband, much of the content still applies in one form or another. So, that is where I will start. I invite you to go with me on this journey through the rest of my life... my season of greatness.


I caught a glimpse of myself getting out of the shower today. Trust me, it is a visual you DO NOT want! I thought, "Did I look this way yesterday?" I was not pleased with what I saw, knowing that I've been too busy and stressed out to really see myself... for a long time.

I went yesterday to get my baseline mammogram done. Yeah, I know I should have had that done when I was 35, but I let life get in the way. The first year, my excuse was the babies. The next couple of years, it was TAKS time and I didn't have time for it. Humph!

Why is it always that way? As women, we tend to put everything and everyone ahead of ourselves, much to our own detriment. I know there have been too many times to count when I have put the needs of my family, my friends, or my job ahead of my own. I don't even know how many times I have been sick as a dog, yet I'd pull myself out of the bed and forge ahead on wobbly legs just so I wouldn't disappoint someone who "needed" me.

Now, here I am struggling with my weight and my blood pressure with my hair standing all over my head wondering how I got to this place. The reality is that I know exactly how I got here. I put life and everything in it first, and I've had nothing left for ME.

But now I'm at a crossroads.

What good to anyone am I if I am dead? Sure, they love me and will miss me for a little while, but they will keep right on living and breathing and doing all the things I like to think they won't be able to do without me.

And what if my mammogram does show a problem? Other than solving the problem with my jacked up hair, how will I be able to take care of my business? I have GOT to get myself together. I look over at my husband and my kids and KNOW that it's something I HAVE to do.

Damn. (I hope that doesn't offend your delicate sensibilities!)

The problem is that I honestly don't even know where to start with fixing all of this. I've spent soooo many years trying to be all things to all people that I don't even know what it is I'm supposed to be to myself. I know I have to prioritize, but there's so much that I need to work on right now that I can't even think straight.

There is a lesson here.

Never, never, NEVER allow yourself to be so far at the end of your priority list that you forget to do you. I know it is so hard for women who are wives, mothers, employees, church members, daughters, sisters... The list can be never-ending. But we must, Ladies, be willing to carve out time for ourselves. We must. If not, we wake up one morning, much as I did today, wondering how on earth we let our bodies, our health, our (hair!), our weight, finances... (You get the message; just fill in your own list)... get to a point where we do not recognize them at all.

We are more important than that. I'm more important than that. I just forgot for several long moments who I am and whose I am.

But now I remember.

And I hope you do, too.

So, if you will stand with me, I will make this journey. I really want you with me. And I want to be here, too. Not just for my husband or my kids or my students or my friends, but for me.

Now, where was I? Did I mention my hair is a mess? I'm gonna have to cut it and start over. Yeah.

Y'all pray for me, okay?

Almost To... Happy? (Trois)

Well, the hits just keep on coming.

Since my last entry, I have rekindled- and lost- what I thought of as my deepest friendship. Warning: I may possibly be a little too transparent here, so if you are prone to pearl-clutching, perhaps you should visit on another day when I am a little more 'spiritual'. Coz right here, right now, this is my spot and I'm about to keep it real.

I have... HAD... a friend with whom I have shared some of my most vulnerable moments and some of my deepest secrets. The converse is true as well. (If you know me, then you know that I have MAJOR issues with trust, so this was a friendship with deeeep roots.) At any rate, this person recently showed me that their friendship was not genuine. The level of callousness at which they showed their true colors cut me to the quick and killed my sense of trust. I was left wondering how a person could ever come back from taking such a hit.

I think I started grieving the loss of the friendship almost as if someone had died. I felt as if I had taken another hit that I was sooo unready to take. All I wanted to do was yell at them, to scream at the top of my lungs, "How could you do this to me, of all people? You, who knows the secrets and the hurts and the pain and where the holes are. How could you deal me a fatal blow? How, you mother******?!!!"

Another blow. Another loss. Another hole to be filled. After so many, how does one move on? I was in yet another wilderness place. Was the wilderness destined to be my new home? What was I missing? What lessons did I not learn?

But you know what? God remembered me and I remembered Him. I just talked to Him openly and honestly. I talked and He listened. Then He talked and I listened. And He sent genuine people alongside to minister to my wounds. They bound me up with love and kindness and laughter and joy and with the Word... and at some point during the night while I slept, God performed surgery on my heart. I woke up the next morning with a new song. I was no longer angry. Instead, I felt a peace within me that this was not the end of my story. I understand that loss is part of living and that not everyone is called to walk along with us at every season of our lives. The person, my former friend, was just no longer called to my life... and that's okay, too, because I know that God has my back, front and flank. And more than anything, The Lord has shown me that, as I prepare to move into what I believe to be my season of greatness, those He has placed around me are the ones He has chosen to be armor bearers in my life.

I would be lying if I said I do not think about past events, but as quickly as thoughts and a little bit of sadness creep in, I try to make a conscious choice to release it. It's not easy, though, y'all, as I am indeed a work in progress. Continue to pray for me, alright?

Almost To Happy (Part II)

Several weeks ago, my daughters brought home personal data forms that gave the opportunity to update parent and emergency contact information. The forms were last completed during their pre-k year. It hit me pretty hard when I realized that very little remained the same from just the previous school year. We had moved and had changes in both parent information, and BOTH of my children's emergency contacts had gone home to the be with the Lord. I know you knew about my mother, but my Aunt Marion also left me a few months ago. She left me, and that cut me to the quick. Never have I felt as alone as I do right now. There was no one to call when I have a problem or need backup childcare or money for an emergency. There was no one else left for me to share those thoughts and ideas that I never feel free enough to share with others. Over the course of one school year, I had seen the death of a marriage and the death of a mother's love times two. What a wilderness place to find yourself in!

When my aunt died, I found myself asking God why He would allow me to be left all alone with no one who truly loved me or understood me or even cared enough to know that there was a part of me behind this seemingly strong exterior that had cried a thousand tears and died a thousand deaths. And, just like a faithful friend, He reached for my hand and touched my heart.

Trust me even when you cannot trace me.

I certainly wanted to, but if you know me really well, then you know that is one area that I struggle with. Trust. Such a small word with huge potential ramifications when trust is misplaced. Yet, here I was being challenged to step out of my comfort zone and into this wilderness place not knowing what or where or when or who... or why. And whenever I inquired, the answer was the same.

Trust me even when you cannot trace me.

It was not until the night before my aunt's memorial service that I really think I caught on to what the Lord was doing. As I looked over the lives of both my mom and my aunt, I realized that they had served their purposes on Earth. Good, bad or indifferent, they had fulfilled the tasks they were set out to do, and it was time. One thing I am learning is that, sometimes, God has to move people and things out of the way so that we are free to step into our respective destinies. Sometimes, we are not able to be all that He called us to be because we become comfortable basking in the glory of other people's light when God really wants to call us forth to shine our own light on this world.