Highs and Lows

In life, the expectation is always that parents will precede their children in death. Even though we know- and even expect- our parents to go before us, there is really just no way to anticipate the loss.

My mom died on Monday, and it was a shock. Even up to her last breath, the expectation of a full recovery was so strong. She was not in pain, she did not labor to breathe, she didn't show any signs of suffering whatsoever. In fact, she was talking and laughing as we were giving her medical history to the nurse. One second she was cutting up as she usually did, and the next second she was gone to be with the Lord. There was no moment to brace myself or prepare for her loss.

But, I am glad that God knows just what we need when we need it. I NEEDED to be there for my mother's last laugh, last thought, last breath. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I needed that moment. God knew, and he responded accordingly. Just for me. What an awesome God!

Since my mom's passing, things have been such a whirlwind. I really haven't had time to grieve more than a minute here or there because I am inundated with phone calls from people who have been totally distraught and needing me to console them! Plus, I am having to do everything, preparation-wise, by myself. My brother is away, and it all falls to me to take care of everything. I think it's best this way. It's just hard because I am sooo unbelievably tired. I have run into a few snags where people have thought of only what they want and not what my mom's wishes were, and that has caused me to go off a time or two. Y'all know I'm not perfect! LOL! Other times, like right at this moment, I find myself a little low because I get so many calls from people seeking comfort, yet most do not ask how I'm doing or what they can do. I understand that they are hurting, too, but it hurts my feelings nonetheless. Maybe that's my fault because I expect more from people and it hurts to be disappointed. Can't dwell on what makes others tick, though.

I really think they just don't think about it. So many people think I am the strong one who can and does handle everything. I am Nikki the Handler. I think people sometimes forget that, beneath this "strong" exterior, there is a thinking, feeling person inside who hurts and feels things just like everyone else. I am just often too busy handling things that they don't get to see that part. I guess it's not their fault.

***Update:
As I was typing this blog entry this morning, I was feeling sooooo low. Today has started off as an incredibly depressing day for me. I guess I was feeling a little sorry for myself. Maybe I'm a little overwhelmed. Maybe it's the rainy weather. It's just that I was feeling like so many people have forgotten about me. Then, out of the blue, one of my mom's friends called. She didn't have a need at all. She just asked about me and what she could do to serve me. Look at God! Once again, He knew what I needed and responded accordingly.

So, after talking with her, I picked up my face, dusted myself off, and got back to "handling" everything again. Not because I want to, though. I really just want to crawl into bed under the covers and sleep until this is all over. But since that is not really an option, let me hop to it. I have to bury my mama, and I have a to-do list a mile long.

If you think about it, keep us in your prayers.

My Mother is Gone

I cannot even believe that I am typing the words. My mother went home to be with the Lord today. My mother. My mama. My mommy. Gone. With the Lord. Today.

I'll try this again tomorrow.

At a Crossroads

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.

(from "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost)


I am a dreamer by nature.

Sure, I can move and shake with the best of them. A go-getter? Yep, that's me. But when I am by myself, I dream. I dream really big. Some of those dreams make it into reality, but others remain in my head, just itching to be birthed. Well, I have another dream that is really big and important to me, and I realize that I have been deferring it for years-- not because I cannot accomplish it, but because of the way it will affect those around me.

Marianne Williamson said in her poem, "Our Deepest Fear":

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I know this poem well, and I have quoted it on several occasions. The words reverberate truth, yet I still find myself playing small in the world. Why is that, I wonder?

Y'all, I am really going through some things in my personal life. Some really big things. For those of you who like to think I have it all together, please think again. I am flying by the seat of my pants here. I know what is in my heart-- the hope and the promise of something greater. Well, fulfilling, actually. To me, the steep price is justified. To others, maybe not so much. At any rate, I stand at a crossroads silently praying.

That's all I can say about it right now. Sorry to be so cryptic, but I'll keep you posted.

Finally! I've made a decision.

Since the inception of this blog, I have vacillated between several different ideas I've had about the type of blog I'd like this to be. At some points, I've thought to make this strictly a place for me to chronicle my daily journey as a wife, mom, and teacher. On other days I've thought about covering politics and the issues of the day. Still other days, I've thought of making this a safe place for people dealing with the pain of infertility to come and receive encouragement and support. One thing was for sure-- uncertainty was certain!

Well, it all finally became a little clearer to me after I received an email yesterday. A really nice lady googled one of the topics previously mentioned and stumbled upon my little blog. It's funny how God works because I instantly knew where I wanted to take this blog after reading that email. So, thank you, visitor! (Yes, I do remember your name!)

So, ladies and gentlemen, I will still chronicle my journey as a wife, mom, teacher, friend, and citizen, but I will do it from a Christian perspective. I think I do that a lot already, but I really want that to be the overall theme of this blog. Am I saying that I have arrived in terms of my faith or that I know it all? Absolutely not! God certainly knows me and knows I have a LONG way to go. But I am, hopefully, making forward progress. Besides, I am hoping that we can discuss issues from a biblical standpoint and all learn some things in the process.

So, please feel free to share your thoughts, feelings, and issues you'd like to discuss. I'm hoping this can grow into a community of people who are positive and supportive as we look for God's fingerprints in our everyday lives.

When It Rains, It Pours...

Well, now the OTHER twin has whatever this crud is Tootie has. Lia's fever spiked today, along with a cough and now a sore throat. I called to see if I could just give her the same antibiotic that Tootie has, but no... I'll be taking her in to the pediatrician in about an hour! My brain is so fried! In the last two days, I have had a total of three hours sleep. Tonight's not looking too good on the sleep front, either. Plus, I'm starting to run a low-grade fever. Too bad, though, because I don't have time to be sick. I'll just have to try to keep it at bay until I get my girls better.

Anyway, please keep the prayers coming because we really need them right now.

Keep My Baby in Your Prayers...

My youngest child, Tootie, spiked a fever during the night last night. Her temperature was 104.1. I've been giving her Motrin every six hours and took her to the pediatrician today. She is now on an antibiotic and I hope she is feeling better by this time tomorrow. As I type this, my baby is asleep, totally spent from her latest fever spike. I am too tired to go to sleep after being up almost all night last night, and I will probably have a repeat tonight.

It's funny, though, because I have been inundated with praise and worship for the last few days. When she got sick, I did not stress. Yeah, as a parent, I was and am very concerned. Hence, the no sleep last night, but I spent much of that time singing praise and worship songs that I had been listening to over and over. God is so smart in the way He gives us just what we need when we need it!

One thing that has truly blessed my soul, though, has been watching Lia, Tootie's twin, while Tootie has been sick. Lia has been the little mother hen. She does everything from making sure Tootie has a light covering when she gets chilly to holding Tootie's cup to her lips so she can get a drink. Their relationship is so beautiful to watch. Although my girls are not identical twins, they do share an amazing bond. Today, Lia was so sad that Tootie had to go to the doctor that I had to promise to call home from the doctor's office so the girls could talk to each other on the phone. Before we left, Lia and I joined hands and Lia asked God to heal her sister. Can you say precious moment?!!! Then, when we got home, I noticed Lia looking through the blinds in the foyer, just watching for us. As we got out of the van, I could hear Lia squealing with delight, "Tootie's home! Tootie's home!" Lia opened the front door and ran out to meet Tootie. Then, Tootie told Lia that she missed her so much, and the two embraced. Aw, man! If you only knew how that touching moment got me right in the heart!

So, I know my baby is going to be just fine. The faith of her sister, more than anything, is seeing to that. With Lia's love and faith, God can't help but be moved to compassion for Tootie. I'll keep you posted on her progress!

Author, Author!

I have been absent again because I am working on a book I am writing. My goal has been to get it finished by the time I return to work in a few weeks. I hope to get finished and then move onto editing, but I am also a bit overwhelmed with preparing a staff development training from scratch that I have to present on the first day we return. I pray to get it all done.

Oh, a friend of mine asked which book I'm trying to finish. Last year, I started a fictional work loosely based on the lives of people in my family. I still plan to complete it, but I have moved it to the back burner for now because I just don't have the time right now to work out some problems I am encountering with a couple of the characters. Maybe Christmas break will be a good time for me to look at it again.

Anyway, the one I'm working on right now is basically a testimony of my journey through the years to become a mother. I am talking about the anti-cancer treatments and resulting weight gain, years of infertility and recurrent miscarriage, the foster and adoption process we looked into, and Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ART). I know this is not a story that will appeal to a huge audience, but I feel it is an important one to tell nonetheless. I am amazed by the number of women/couples I meet who are facing the harshness of infertility every day, and I want to be a light of hope for them. It took twelve years for me, but the blessing did come. If God did it for me, He can do it for anyone!

The chapter I am currently working on deals with the issue of The Church and people's perceptions of Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ART). Very interesting stuff indeed!

I will keep you posted on my progress. Just keep me in your prayers.