The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in the path of righteousness for His name's sake. Yea, though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
--Psalm 23 (1-5)
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Almost To Happy (Part II)
Several weeks ago, my daughters brought home personal data forms that gave the opportunity to update parent and emergency contact information. The forms were last completed during their pre-k year. It hit me pretty hard when I realized that very little remained the same from just the previous school year. We had moved and had changes in both parent information, and BOTH of my children's emergency contacts had gone home to the be with the Lord. I know you knew about my mother, but my Aunt Marion also left me a few months ago. She left me, and that cut me to the quick. Never have I felt as alone as I do right now. There was no one to call when I have a problem or need backup childcare or money for an emergency. There was no one else left for me to share those thoughts and ideas that I never feel free enough to share with others. Over the course of one school year, I had seen the death of a marriage and the death of a mother's love times two. What a wilderness place to find yourself in!
When my aunt died, I found myself asking God why He would allow me to be left all alone with no one who truly loved me or understood me or even cared enough to know that there was a part of me behind this seemingly strong exterior that had cried a thousand tears and died a thousand deaths. And, just like a faithful friend, He reached for my hand and touched my heart.
Trust me even when you cannot trace me.
I certainly wanted to, but if you know me really well, then you know that is one area that I struggle with. Trust. Such a small word with huge potential ramifications when trust is misplaced. Yet, here I was being challenged to step out of my comfort zone and into this wilderness place not knowing what or where or when or who... or why. And whenever I inquired, the answer was the same.
Trust me even when you cannot trace me.
It was not until the night before my aunt's memorial service that I really think I caught on to what the Lord was doing. As I looked over the lives of both my mom and my aunt, I realized that they had served their purposes on Earth. Good, bad or indifferent, they had fulfilled the tasks they were set out to do, and it was time. One thing I am learning is that, sometimes, God has to move people and things out of the way so that we are free to step into our respective destinies. Sometimes, we are not able to be all that He called us to be because we become comfortable basking in the glory of other people's light when God really wants to call us forth to shine our own light on this world.
When my aunt died, I found myself asking God why He would allow me to be left all alone with no one who truly loved me or understood me or even cared enough to know that there was a part of me behind this seemingly strong exterior that had cried a thousand tears and died a thousand deaths. And, just like a faithful friend, He reached for my hand and touched my heart.
Trust me even when you cannot trace me.
I certainly wanted to, but if you know me really well, then you know that is one area that I struggle with. Trust. Such a small word with huge potential ramifications when trust is misplaced. Yet, here I was being challenged to step out of my comfort zone and into this wilderness place not knowing what or where or when or who... or why. And whenever I inquired, the answer was the same.
Trust me even when you cannot trace me.
It was not until the night before my aunt's memorial service that I really think I caught on to what the Lord was doing. As I looked over the lives of both my mom and my aunt, I realized that they had served their purposes on Earth. Good, bad or indifferent, they had fulfilled the tasks they were set out to do, and it was time. One thing I am learning is that, sometimes, God has to move people and things out of the way so that we are free to step into our respective destinies. Sometimes, we are not able to be all that He called us to be because we become comfortable basking in the glory of other people's light when God really wants to call us forth to shine our own light on this world.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Almost To Happy (Part I)
So much time has passed since my last blog entry. It has been the better part of a year, to be exact. I have certainly looked back here from time to time-perhaps looking for clues as to where my next steps should lead. However, no insight was ever found and the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months. Days, weeks and months of silence.
Silence. What a precious commodity that is in the life of a busy single mother. A single mother. That is certainly a moniker I never dreamed I'd have. I always knew I would be a wife and prayed I would be a mother, but a single mother? Nope, that was never something I would have imagined for my life. But here I am in the midst of my insanely real, insanely chaotic, and yet, insanely blessed life.
In the midst of my many struggles over the last year, the one thing that has been constant during my state of constant change has been the presence of God. Some days He revealed His presence to me in very real, very intimate ways. On other days, He stayed in the background, fully aware that this slightly broken creation of His was not in a position to receive lessons He needed to teach. But through it all, I look back at various moments in time and notice His fingerprints left at every scene.
That is a comforting thing, you know? I mean, I so often feel that I am out here all alone. The people I once looked to as the innermost of my inner circle have all left me to walk out this life by myself. I know that I am not alone and should use those times to draw closer to God. Sometimes I do. Sometimes. But not all the time, and I am ashamed to admit it.
Silence. What a precious commodity that is in the life of a busy single mother. A single mother. That is certainly a moniker I never dreamed I'd have. I always knew I would be a wife and prayed I would be a mother, but a single mother? Nope, that was never something I would have imagined for my life. But here I am in the midst of my insanely real, insanely chaotic, and yet, insanely blessed life.
In the midst of my many struggles over the last year, the one thing that has been constant during my state of constant change has been the presence of God. Some days He revealed His presence to me in very real, very intimate ways. On other days, He stayed in the background, fully aware that this slightly broken creation of His was not in a position to receive lessons He needed to teach. But through it all, I look back at various moments in time and notice His fingerprints left at every scene.
That is a comforting thing, you know? I mean, I so often feel that I am out here all alone. The people I once looked to as the innermost of my inner circle have all left me to walk out this life by myself. I know that I am not alone and should use those times to draw closer to God. Sometimes I do. Sometimes. But not all the time, and I am ashamed to admit it.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
The Big D
Well, it is official. Greg and I are calling it quits. We are filing for divorce this spring. I've actually alluded to this fact over the past several months as we have looked at our relationship from every conceivable angle. But, after all of that looking, it is what it is. And what it is is not working... nor has it worked for quite some time. So, here we are wondering where in the heck we went wrong and making plans to right our respective ships.
Divorce is painful business. Don't let anyone tell you differently. Whether we carry ourselves as strong and invincible or weak and easily defeated, there is a feeling of hurt and failure unlike anything else. There is no easy button to push nor words to be spoken that can take the sting away. In fact, I cringe inside just by saying the word. But, it is something that needs to be done nonetheless. For sake of my sanity, it has to be done.
Some of you will wonder why I took so long in revealing the changes I have been going through. Others will be disappointed and immediately think of all the scriptures you know about marriage. Yeah, I know those, too, so please don't waste your time typing them into the comments section. Still others will flood my voicemail and email boxes with words of encouragement and support. Please do not be offended if I do not immediately return your calls, texts, or messages. And please do not get upset if, when I do answer your calls, I just hold the phone. Like I said, this is very painful business, and it will take a lot of time to get over.
Well, now you know for sure. That's all I've got for now. I'll be back soon... with something.
Divorce is painful business. Don't let anyone tell you differently. Whether we carry ourselves as strong and invincible or weak and easily defeated, there is a feeling of hurt and failure unlike anything else. There is no easy button to push nor words to be spoken that can take the sting away. In fact, I cringe inside just by saying the word. But, it is something that needs to be done nonetheless. For sake of my sanity, it has to be done.
Some of you will wonder why I took so long in revealing the changes I have been going through. Others will be disappointed and immediately think of all the scriptures you know about marriage. Yeah, I know those, too, so please don't waste your time typing them into the comments section. Still others will flood my voicemail and email boxes with words of encouragement and support. Please do not be offended if I do not immediately return your calls, texts, or messages. And please do not get upset if, when I do answer your calls, I just hold the phone. Like I said, this is very painful business, and it will take a lot of time to get over.
Well, now you know for sure. That's all I've got for now. I'll be back soon... with something.
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