Killing Me From the Inside Out

I woke up this morning to the thought of an incident that happened while I was in the Army, stationed at Ft. Polk, LA. I was the only female soldier from my unit who lived in the barracks, so my experience was QUITE interesting. There was very little to do in Leesville, so I found a church that I loved and became an active member. This church offered many ministries, so before long, I was attending several times per week. Most of my fellow soldiers would see me at PT, at work, occasionally in the mess hall, and in the evenings heading out with my fancy little Bible case on my way to church. Many of the guys in my unit obviously decided that I needed protection from the wolves and declared themselves my big brothers. These fools grilled anyone who came within 10 feet of me and screened my calls (no cell phones at that time!). You would have thought I was under witness protection or something!

One day, a guy who had been checking me out from a nearby battalion stopped to chat with me as I was returning to my barracks from duty. My barracks was one of many that housed several battalions and formed a large courtyard type of area. Unbeknownst to me, a soldier from a neighboring signal battalion saw this guy approach me and decided to take it upon himself to let the guy know that I was off limits.

"Hey, you can't talk to her. That's 'The Little Church Girl'!"

The guy who wanted to talk to me then stepped back quickly as if he had been seared with a hot iron, contorted his face and said, "YOU'RE 'The Little Church Girl'? Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry." He quickly proceeded to exit stage left.

Seriously, Dude?!! Who in the heck was the idiot yelling out the window from across the way anyway? I didn't even know him. And what in the world had people been told about 'The Little Church Girl'? I was angry and wanted immediate answers at that point, so I grabbed the nearest 'big brother' by the scruff of his collar. (Truth be told, I could probably beat the crap out of most of my 'big brothers' despite them wanting to protect me!) In fear, he just said, "It's nothing bad. It's just that everyone knows that you are... like... really HOLY." I didn't know if I should laugh or slap the daylights out of him, so I released him.

Well, I see I won't be getting any dates at Ft. Polk.

At church, the prospects were slim to none as well. There were some single guys in my age range, but they were trying to find who they were in Christ, so all of their conversation seemed to include "thee" and "thou" a lot. So yeah, there were going to be no dates there either.

It was high time for God and I to have a little talk because this was getting out of hand. (How young and naïve and stupid I was! LOL)

Me: What is the deal, Lord? First off, ALL of my friends got these cushy assignments overseas, but you sent me to the armpit of the Army. Now you have made me a social leper. What is my lesson here- to see just how long it takes to kill me from the inside out?
Him: Yes.

To be continued...

It's Father Day!

Happy Father's Day to all of the amazing fathers I know. Thank you for the important part you play in raising the future leaders of our nation. We are all the better because of you, and we celebrate YOU today!

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies...

Author's Note: This is an entry from a few years ago that was never published. I do not even know why I did not publish it at the time, but it is still relevant. Just a reminder to my sisters (and to myself) to never settle for less than God's best. Love you.

I am going to need my sisters to stop settling for a man for the sake of being able to say you have a man. If you're my friend, then I know there is something of quality about you. I don't make it a habit to run around with people who aren't about anything. So, knowing that about you, I know you have qualities in you that make you worthy of God's (and a man's) best.

Why am I going there today, you ask?

Well, I recently reconnected with a friend who is still unmarried. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not one to push marriage on anyone. I know it is not for everyone. However, this friend really wants to be married one day. She longs for a great marriage with a man who is her equal... or at least complementary. The problem is that this smart, beautiful, successful woman has run into more than her fair share of broke, busted, disgusted, lying, trifling, and philandering men. Well, at the very least, they have been all wrong for her.

Now, I know your first thought is this: If she is as put together as I say, then why is she still being drawn to these types of men? Well, I DON'T KNOW! This sista is at the top of her game professionally. She is also a published author who loves the Lord and has her credit and her money right, in addition to countless other good qualities. So what is the REAL problem? Why, then, is she still putting up with somesuch nonsense?

As we talked about her latest relationship, something that she said really struck me. She said, "Girl, I am tired. I don't want to have to learn another birthday, another middle name, meet another mama, or meet another group of friends. God may actually have the person who is right for me on a plane at this moment, and we may bump into each other at the grocery store and we'll know we've finally found "the one" and be married and making babies in a year. But I am tired. I just want God to make THIS one right."

O-O-O-kay! Starting point. Yes, I know this young lady is tired- of her propensity toward trifling, lying, deceptive men. I would be tired as well. SO, what do we do when we get tired? We make changes!

This lady has been in some long-term relationships with men she has known for many, many years. But what I think she has failed to do is really look at them. Length of time knowing someone does not necessarily correlate to the depth of friendships. (I can't take the credit for that one. Those were her words). Any woman in this situation needs to ask herself, "In all of the years I have known this man, what has he shown me about his character?" Seriously. We tend to let our real selves hang out when we are around friends we are not in a relationship with. Girls, if you saw him tipping, slipping, and acting a fool with some other woman, please know that he has shown you his true self. Has he shown that he cannot manage his money? Red flag! Have you seen incidences as his friend when he has proven to be unreliable? Red flag! Ladies, that does not change just because you are the new flavor of the month. Don't for a moment think that the juncture of your thighs will make him change his ways. That is a dime a dozen. So, what REALLY is different about you?

Sisters, we have got to get to a place where we are comfortable laying down the deal-breakers and what it is we truly want from the relationship up front. Stop hemming and hawing thinking you might scare him off. If he is serious and ready to come to you correctly, he will appreciate the honesty and conduct himself accordingly. If he is not willing to operate within those boundaries, then no harm, no foul. Let him keep stepping and you keep it moving. He is not the be all, and end all.

Look at it this way: If you are a man's missing rib, shouldn't the pieces fit together correctly?

Go marinate on that and get back with me.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does...

I received a message from a person from my past. Apparently, he has been reflecting on his life lately and thought it would be a good idea to call and make amends for past mistakes. I get that, and I was, on some level, glad to give him the forgiving word he obviously needed in order to move into the next level he was seeking in life. Since I did not know him well anymore, I gave him the Google Voice number that I give to casual acquaintances. During the course of catching up, he asked me about my relationship status. I did not think too much of the question because it seems to be standard when catching up with people from the past. I told him that I was divorced and currently going through a period of renewal, and he told me that he was in a somewhat complicated relationship with a woman with whom he had two children. However, after a few more minutes of talking, he mentioned that he was coming to town because he was considering moving back (not happy with his current situation), and he wanted to know if I was willing to meet for dinner and drinks. When I hesitated in responding, he launched into an explanation which included him telling me that he had thought about me nonstop for the last several months and wanted to contact me many times, that I was the only woman that he has really ever loved, yadda yadda yadda... Interspersed in there somewhere was him telling me everything wrong he could possibly think of about the girlfriend/baby mama/friend with benefits chick he was with.

What the what?!!! Pump the damn doggone brakes!

Needless to say, the rest of the conversation did not go well.

Me: Whoa! Let me stop you right there. First of all, you and I could NEVER meet for dinner and drinks because you have just let me know the kind of man you are. You see, I could have chalked the past up to youthful ignorance. However, the fact that you would sit on this phone and talk so nastily about the woman who gave you children in the hopes that you might possibly weasel your way into getting a piece of ass having relations with me lets me know that you are NOT the type of man I would want to spend any amount of time with. Are you insane? (What if he had said 'yes'? LOL)
Him: No, no, no. That is not what I was saying. I wasn't trying to come on to you. I was just hoping you could be a friend I could talk to from time to time because you always gave good advice.
Me: Boy, BYE!

Now, don't get it twisted. If I said I had not fallen for the okie-doke a time or two, I would be lying. However, that was a long time ago, and when you know better, you do better. There is no way in the world I would ever go back to being stupid. Instead, I just shake my head, keep it moving, and keep believing that God has something MUCH better in store for me.

Perhaps tomorrow we will discuss the propensity of men (and women) toward playing games in dating even into their late thirties and beyond.

Know your worth...

I love the movie, "Johnny Lingo." In it, a young woman named Mahana went through life being told that she was stupid, ugly and worthless. Even those closest to her echoed the sentiments of the others on the island. Consequently, Mahana came to believe that she was of no value. One day, Johnny Lingo, the shrewdest and most respected trader on the island, came to Mahana's house to offer cows as part of a marriage contract between himself and Mahana's father. In that society, the more cows offered meant the more the prospective bride was worth. Most of the islanders- Mahana's father included- believed that even one cow was too steep a price to pay for her. Johnny Lingo, however, offered an unprecedented 8 cows for Mahana- far more than any other woman in the history of the island. No one could believe it. Was Johnny Lingo blind, crazy, or just vain? Immediately after the wedding ceremony, Johnny Lingo took Mahana away for months on their honeymoon trip, which included visiting many islands. When they finally returned, no one could believe their eyes! Gone was the shy, awkward young woman considered worthless. In her place was this totally transformed woman in full knowledge of her beauty and worth. In the exchange at the end between Johnny and a local merchant, Johnny explained that he had loved her since childhood and that he paid 8 cows for Mahana because he wanted her to BE an 8-cow woman. He explained that many things could make a woman beautiful, but what SHE believed about herself was the most important thing.

Merchant: In her father's hut, Mahana believed she was worth nothing.
Johnny: Yes, and now she knows she is worth more than any other woman on the island.

See, with Johnny's help, Mahana came to see the woman she was called to be. When she believed she was ugly and worthless, she became ugly and worthless; but when she saw herself through Johnny's eyes- beautiful, graceful, worth far more than rubies- she BECAME that woman. (Ummh! If we only saw ourselves through God's eyes...)

One major flaw in our society today is that we allow others to dictate standards of beauty. As a result, entire segments of the population find themselves excluded. This creates a domino effect in which the excluded population ultimately comes to believe in their inferiority. Instead of perpetuating this superficial determination of a person's worth, why aren't we raising more Johnny Lingos who understand that the 2-cow woman according to society's standards CAN be the 8-cow woman God created for him? And why do we continue to cosign on society's double standards and raise generations of Mahanas who go through life not knowing that God created them to be stunningly beautiful reflections of His glory?

Marinate in that awhile...

Shakin' things up...

There is a popular quote that says, "If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got." After reflecting on these words awhile, I have to say that Henry Ford was right. I think about my life and about my hopes and dreams. There are many things that I desire, but I have yet to attain them. I do realize that I probably have not attained those things because I live my life predictably. Safe. Protected. All neatly packaged and wrapped with a bow, hidden behind the walls of this fortress I have erected around myself. It's difficult to make a significant impact on the world while in hiding. (Well, it depends on where one hides, I suppose.)

I dream of impacting the youth of this world in far greater numbers than my career currently allows. This passion I have cannot be truly realized, however, until I make the decision to step out of my comfort zone and be all that I know God has called me to be. It takes courage to step into one's destiny. The crazy thing is that I have never been one who has been easily frightened. So why, then, do I most fear the things that are at the very core of my being? What exactly do I fear? Is it failure... or success? Is it rejection, or is acceptance more frightening? You see, with acceptance, one has to open oneself up to receive those who receive you. That means allowing others within the walls of the fortress. It means knocking down walls. It means being vulnerable and having to trust that others will respect that sacred space at the core of all that I am. Trust. Belief. Interdependence.

After all, no man is an island.

So with a deep sigh, I am purposing within my heart to do things differently. I am opening up and stepping out on the knowledge that God will order my steps. The future requires it, and my destiny insists upon it. Pray for me, because change is never easy.

To be continued...

1 down, two to go...

Week 1 of summer school is complete. I think we may just make it!