The unthinkable has happened. A friend of mine has experienced a devastating loss, and I am just so heartbroken for her. I honestly cannot begin to understand the depth of her grief right now, and I hate that I am unable to help her. Only she can walk out this painful journey, along with her husband and family.
I spent the weekend teetering between feelings of excitement, guilt, and deep sympathy. My girls' birthday was yesterday and I was so excited about them attending their first ever tea party. Then, I would think about and pray about my friend's situation and feel guilty that I had that fleeting moment of excitement about my girls' party while my sweet friend was making arrangements for her child's homegoing.
Sometimes life is just HARD.
I know that the Bible says that God's ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts (Luke 55:8), but trying to trust his plan even when you cannot trace them is such a hard thing to do. How do you, in the midst of tragedy, sit back and just ride? I know that THAT is what true faith and trust in God is all about-- praising him in the midst of our storms and giving him glory in the midst of tragedy. Faith. Trust. Learning to just... ride.
One of my favorite scriptures is Luke 12:48: "To whom much is given, much is required." But I wonder if the converse is also true? Is it then true that upon the one who experiences great tragedy, God bestows great anointing?
I'm going to think about that for awhile.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Happy Birthday, Princesses! (This post is for them-- birth story)
Today is my twins' fourth birthday. It is hard to believe that the two little ones who were born so small are already on their way to becoming big girls! I feel as if we somehow skipped a couple of years along the way. Before long, they will be skipping down the hallways at school as kindergartners.
I remember the day I gave birth to them like it was yesterday. I had gone in to see my high risk OB for a routine doctor's appointment and was told that they would be delivered that day because one appeared to be in trouble. I was so scared! When the doctor stepped out to call my regular OB to inform him that I needed to be delivered ASAP, I frantically called my husband at work to tell him to get there quickly.
Within an hour, I was given an epidural and was in the operating room. Greg barely made it and changed into scrubs. I had seen countless episodes of the birthing shows on Discovery Health and knew what the surgery would entail, and I remember wanting to see it through the mirror, although I figured Greg would have objected. (Of course, later, he got to stand up and see it and I missed it all. I felt so cheated!
Anyway, Dr. Martin took out Baby A (Lia). He quickly held her up over the sheet for me to see before passing her off to one of the two NICU teams waiting to work on our preemies. Man, she was tiny! How could she possibly have been the larger twin? There had to have been some sort of mistake! That was all I could think about. Next, Tootie was taken out, but Dr. Martin didn't hold her up. He just immediately handed her off and they went to work. Baby B was the one who had been in trouble on the ultrasound! I didn't know what was wrong, but I figured it had to be something since they didn't let me see her. I heard faint cries that sounded so far off into the distance.
After a few minutes they brought the babies to me to see, but I was too afraid to touch them. I just stared at them, trying to engrave their faces on my heart. I gave them both light kisses before they, and Greg, were whisked away to the NICU and I was, once again, left alone.
A short time later, Greg returned from the NICU and told me the vitals. I couldn't believe it! The high risk OB had estimated Lia to weigh 4lbs, 3oz, but she only really weighed 3lbs, 4oz and was 16 1/2 inches long. He estimated Tootie to be 3lbs, 9oz, but she was the runt of the litter weighing in at 2lbs, 14oz and 16 inches long. Was I ever glad that I had my doctor's appointment that day! They had been in more trouble than anyone really knew.
Miraculously, neither required a respirator. They breathed on their own from the start and stayed in the NICU only to learn to feed from a bottle and grow. They thrived and shattered any of the doctors' expectations. Instead of 6 weeks in the NICU as estimated, they came home together in 20 days tilting the scales at 4lbs, 5oz and 3lbs, 8 oz respectively. (I really think kangaroo care was the key).
When we got home, no one wanted to hold poor little Tootie at first because she was sooo small. She was the feisty one, though, who used to slap the hands of the nurses she didn't like whenever they tried to touch her... yeah, that was at ONE day old! We laughed at her because she kept those fist balled up so tightly as if she were in fight mode all the time! LOL! She also looked a little funny because she was so small that one skull plate sat slightly on top of the other since her head was so little. By the time she was six weeks old, though, it was right! She might've been mean to some of the nurses, but she loved her mama and relaxed so much while resting skin to skin with me for hours at a time. Gosh, how I miss that time!
Lia, on the other hand, was a sweet little cuddler. She would keep this little smile on her face the whole time we did kangaroo care. Who would have known that she'd grow to be so fiercely protective of her little sister (by 4 minutes!)? Who would've known how bossy that sweet little baby would turn out to be! LOL. (Actually, in life, that is known as having LEADERSHIP qualities!)
Over these past four years, I have been so amazed at how smart my girls are in addition to their beauty (obviously!). These little miracles so often reflect the love of God in our lives, and I am eternally thankful for them.
I look forward to seeing the young ladies they will ultimately become. Where will they go to school? What will their careers choices be? Who will they someday marry? What will be their passions in life? I sit awake at night sometimes thinking about them, and other times I tiptoe into their room trying to steal just one more glance, etching just one more memory of them into my brain. I just can't wait to see the plan God has for their lives. Somehow, I know HIS plans for them are big ones.
Girls, you are too young to even read this right now, but know that Mommy loves you. In fact, Mommy loved the hope of you she carried (for twelve years!) until the blessing of you was made manifest. I have loved you for a long, long time, my sweet ones, and I will love you forever.
Happy Birthday, My Miracle Princesses!
Love,
Mommy
I remember the day I gave birth to them like it was yesterday. I had gone in to see my high risk OB for a routine doctor's appointment and was told that they would be delivered that day because one appeared to be in trouble. I was so scared! When the doctor stepped out to call my regular OB to inform him that I needed to be delivered ASAP, I frantically called my husband at work to tell him to get there quickly.
Within an hour, I was given an epidural and was in the operating room. Greg barely made it and changed into scrubs. I had seen countless episodes of the birthing shows on Discovery Health and knew what the surgery would entail, and I remember wanting to see it through the mirror, although I figured Greg would have objected. (Of course, later, he got to stand up and see it and I missed it all. I felt so cheated!
Anyway, Dr. Martin took out Baby A (Lia). He quickly held her up over the sheet for me to see before passing her off to one of the two NICU teams waiting to work on our preemies. Man, she was tiny! How could she possibly have been the larger twin? There had to have been some sort of mistake! That was all I could think about. Next, Tootie was taken out, but Dr. Martin didn't hold her up. He just immediately handed her off and they went to work. Baby B was the one who had been in trouble on the ultrasound! I didn't know what was wrong, but I figured it had to be something since they didn't let me see her. I heard faint cries that sounded so far off into the distance.
After a few minutes they brought the babies to me to see, but I was too afraid to touch them. I just stared at them, trying to engrave their faces on my heart. I gave them both light kisses before they, and Greg, were whisked away to the NICU and I was, once again, left alone.
A short time later, Greg returned from the NICU and told me the vitals. I couldn't believe it! The high risk OB had estimated Lia to weigh 4lbs, 3oz, but she only really weighed 3lbs, 4oz and was 16 1/2 inches long. He estimated Tootie to be 3lbs, 9oz, but she was the runt of the litter weighing in at 2lbs, 14oz and 16 inches long. Was I ever glad that I had my doctor's appointment that day! They had been in more trouble than anyone really knew.
Miraculously, neither required a respirator. They breathed on their own from the start and stayed in the NICU only to learn to feed from a bottle and grow. They thrived and shattered any of the doctors' expectations. Instead of 6 weeks in the NICU as estimated, they came home together in 20 days tilting the scales at 4lbs, 5oz and 3lbs, 8 oz respectively. (I really think kangaroo care was the key).
When we got home, no one wanted to hold poor little Tootie at first because she was sooo small. She was the feisty one, though, who used to slap the hands of the nurses she didn't like whenever they tried to touch her... yeah, that was at ONE day old! We laughed at her because she kept those fist balled up so tightly as if she were in fight mode all the time! LOL! She also looked a little funny because she was so small that one skull plate sat slightly on top of the other since her head was so little. By the time she was six weeks old, though, it was right! She might've been mean to some of the nurses, but she loved her mama and relaxed so much while resting skin to skin with me for hours at a time. Gosh, how I miss that time!
Lia, on the other hand, was a sweet little cuddler. She would keep this little smile on her face the whole time we did kangaroo care. Who would have known that she'd grow to be so fiercely protective of her little sister (by 4 minutes!)? Who would've known how bossy that sweet little baby would turn out to be! LOL. (Actually, in life, that is known as having LEADERSHIP qualities!)
Over these past four years, I have been so amazed at how smart my girls are in addition to their beauty (obviously!). These little miracles so often reflect the love of God in our lives, and I am eternally thankful for them.
I look forward to seeing the young ladies they will ultimately become. Where will they go to school? What will their careers choices be? Who will they someday marry? What will be their passions in life? I sit awake at night sometimes thinking about them, and other times I tiptoe into their room trying to steal just one more glance, etching just one more memory of them into my brain. I just can't wait to see the plan God has for their lives. Somehow, I know HIS plans for them are big ones.
Girls, you are too young to even read this right now, but know that Mommy loves you. In fact, Mommy loved the hope of you she carried (for twelve years!) until the blessing of you was made manifest. I have loved you for a long, long time, my sweet ones, and I will love you forever.
Happy Birthday, My Miracle Princesses!
Love,
Mommy
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Out Sick
I'm home from work today. I woke up this morning to get ready for work, but I got sick out of the blue. Our TAKS tests are next week, so I definitely didn't want to miss a minute. However, it became very clear that I've picked up a bug of some sort. I won't go into all of the gory details, but it is probably as bad as you can imagine.
My husband and the baby girls have been so sweet, though. Hubby went this morning and did the grocery and household goods shopping for me. He even bought things he is able to cook for dinner so I won't have to bother. The little ones are constantly telling me how much they love me and giving me little hugs. I spend so much time taking care of everyone else that it just seems so foreign to have people take care of me like this.
If tomorrow comes "and the creek don't rise", I will definitely try to make it back to work in the morning, though.
Pray for me!
My husband and the baby girls have been so sweet, though. Hubby went this morning and did the grocery and household goods shopping for me. He even bought things he is able to cook for dinner so I won't have to bother. The little ones are constantly telling me how much they love me and giving me little hugs. I spend so much time taking care of everyone else that it just seems so foreign to have people take care of me like this.
If tomorrow comes "and the creek don't rise", I will definitely try to make it back to work in the morning, though.
Pray for me!
I don't get it...
A guy tried to run my cousin down yesterday. He was on a horse.
Let me repeat that. He was ON. A. HORSE!
No, they were not on a ranch or even in a field. She was getting out of the car to return to her apartment. She doesn't have covered parking and had to park a little ways from her actual unit. Out of nowhere, a guy came charging toward her at full gallop. When she quickly moved out of the way, he turned the horse around and came at her again! It was then that she realized the guy was trying to run her down. She took off running and screaming toward her apartment. She dashed through parked cars and changed direction several times to hold him at bay. Finally, she got to her unit where she beat on the door for her son to open it. It was like something out of a movie from what I hear. The guy, laughing about it, came charging full speed toward her again and jumped the curb and into her breezeway just as her son opened the door. She lives on the first floor and she and her son had to, literally, push the horse's head out of the doorway to get it shut! The police was finally called, but the guy rode off before they got there.
Da hell you say??! She should have shot the guy AND the horse for all of that foolishness and mayhem!
Well, maybe not the horse! But definitely the guy. Definitely!
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Happy Easter!
I want to wish you and yours a very Happy Easter. Know that no matter what this life may bring, Jesus is risen. He conquered death, hell, and the grave, and we are able to BE because HE IS!
Never forget this.
I know many people have cooked huge meals, have hidden umpteen Easter eggs, and have filled countless Easter baskets. That's all fine and good as long as you do not lose sight of what Easter really is about. It is about the resurrection of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Never, never forget this.
(Oh, and if you don't believe, you might want to check back next week, because this week will probably be all about JESUS.)
Friday, April 10, 2009
His Presence!
Today has been an interesting day for me... interesting in a very good way!
First, my darling husband allowed me to sleep in this morning. He knew how tired I have been and keep the little ones at bay so mommy could sleep. When I did finally get up (around 8:00!!!), I fixed breakfast for the (little) girls. While cooking, our eldest, Brittney, came in and asked if she could talk to me.
This was huge!
Over the years, Brittney and I have gone from super close to almost strangers and back again. Some years I'm the greatest, wisest stepmom in the world, and in others, I am the Wicked Witch of the West and Greg and I are the worst parents EVER! Such is the life with a teenager who is now a young adult.
Anyway, she asked to speak with me today! I quickly put the cooking aside and we went into my bedroom to speak in private. She burst into tears and shared with me an issue she'd been dealing with. I couldn't believe it. She again trusted me to be the keeper of her hurts! Inwardly, I thanked God because clearly it was HE who had orchestrated the bridge across what often feels like a chasm between us. Of course, the little ones felt neglected and came into the room to get some mommy attention. I booted them out with the quickness because I was not going to pass up this opportunity to impart some of my pearls of wisdom (I hope!) into her life.
We had a wonderful talk, and I think the advice I gave her helped. My words cannot heal her heart's hurts, but I sure hope they applied some healing salve. In some parts of the conversation, she shared with me some things she told her friends. They were my words I had shared with her years ago! OMG, OMG, OMG! She retained some of the things I had said to her! God showed me in that instant that neither His promises nor words we speak into others' lives, whether good or bad, return void.
At one point, Britt and I started talking about the living room furniture (don't ask me why). I mentioned that her dad wanted some new sofas and she asked for us to give the current sofas to her. I was gripped with panic! I asked if she had found an apartment. After a couple of years of thinking she was old enough to move away from home, I realized that it was I who was not ready for her to leave. Why, she's still a baby. She couldn't possibly be thinking of leaving home. Heck no, she needed to finish school and get a job in her new field first. Oh, and she needs money saved, at least six month's worth, and...
Of course, she quickly assured me that she had not found an apartment. She simply wanted us to cover it with plastic and store it in the garage until that future time came. Bwahahahahaha! Still, I realized that I was not ready for her to leave home. She is still a baby after all. Um, yeah, she IS almost 22. And?
When I told my husband that she wants the sofas, he replied, "No, she can't have the sofas. She deserves more than the family's hand-me-downs. Whenever she decides to move away from home, surely we can afford to get her some new furniture of her own." I couldn't agree more. I can't wait to tell her she can't have the sofas. Knowing that I have a flair for the dramatic, I doubt I'll mention the new furniture until she is ready to move away and I take her to the furniture store with a budget and the freedom to pick what SHE wants.
More about today, though.
I eventually went back to cooking breakfast for the girls. Of course, instead of finishing the breakfast what I had started, Daddy gave them a little cereal while Britt and I were talking. *Insert sigh*
When I set their plates on the table, I walked back into the kitchen. Well, Tootie came in and said, "Mommy, you need to thank Jesus!" Of course, I quickly did. Lia came into the kitchen and repeated the request. After numerous times of them telling me to thank Jesus and me shouting "Thank you, Jesus", they finally sat back down and blessed their food. I was a little bit overwhelmed for a moment because I believe that Jesus, on this Good Friday, wanted to let me know that He is present and that He remembered me.
Lord, I thank you!
First, my darling husband allowed me to sleep in this morning. He knew how tired I have been and keep the little ones at bay so mommy could sleep. When I did finally get up (around 8:00!!!), I fixed breakfast for the (little) girls. While cooking, our eldest, Brittney, came in and asked if she could talk to me.
This was huge!
Over the years, Brittney and I have gone from super close to almost strangers and back again. Some years I'm the greatest, wisest stepmom in the world, and in others, I am the Wicked Witch of the West and Greg and I are the worst parents EVER! Such is the life with a teenager who is now a young adult.
Anyway, she asked to speak with me today! I quickly put the cooking aside and we went into my bedroom to speak in private. She burst into tears and shared with me an issue she'd been dealing with. I couldn't believe it. She again trusted me to be the keeper of her hurts! Inwardly, I thanked God because clearly it was HE who had orchestrated the bridge across what often feels like a chasm between us. Of course, the little ones felt neglected and came into the room to get some mommy attention. I booted them out with the quickness because I was not going to pass up this opportunity to impart some of my pearls of wisdom (I hope!) into her life.
We had a wonderful talk, and I think the advice I gave her helped. My words cannot heal her heart's hurts, but I sure hope they applied some healing salve. In some parts of the conversation, she shared with me some things she told her friends. They were my words I had shared with her years ago! OMG, OMG, OMG! She retained some of the things I had said to her! God showed me in that instant that neither His promises nor words we speak into others' lives, whether good or bad, return void.
At one point, Britt and I started talking about the living room furniture (don't ask me why). I mentioned that her dad wanted some new sofas and she asked for us to give the current sofas to her. I was gripped with panic! I asked if she had found an apartment. After a couple of years of thinking she was old enough to move away from home, I realized that it was I who was not ready for her to leave. Why, she's still a baby. She couldn't possibly be thinking of leaving home. Heck no, she needed to finish school and get a job in her new field first. Oh, and she needs money saved, at least six month's worth, and...
Of course, she quickly assured me that she had not found an apartment. She simply wanted us to cover it with plastic and store it in the garage until that future time came. Bwahahahahaha! Still, I realized that I was not ready for her to leave home. She is still a baby after all. Um, yeah, she IS almost 22. And?
When I told my husband that she wants the sofas, he replied, "No, she can't have the sofas. She deserves more than the family's hand-me-downs. Whenever she decides to move away from home, surely we can afford to get her some new furniture of her own." I couldn't agree more. I can't wait to tell her she can't have the sofas. Knowing that I have a flair for the dramatic, I doubt I'll mention the new furniture until she is ready to move away and I take her to the furniture store with a budget and the freedom to pick what SHE wants.
More about today, though.
I eventually went back to cooking breakfast for the girls. Of course, instead of finishing the breakfast what I had started, Daddy gave them a little cereal while Britt and I were talking. *Insert sigh*
When I set their plates on the table, I walked back into the kitchen. Well, Tootie came in and said, "Mommy, you need to thank Jesus!" Of course, I quickly did. Lia came into the kitchen and repeated the request. After numerous times of them telling me to thank Jesus and me shouting "Thank you, Jesus", they finally sat back down and blessed their food. I was a little bit overwhelmed for a moment because I believe that Jesus, on this Good Friday, wanted to let me know that He is present and that He remembered me.
Lord, I thank you!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
We've Got a Good Kid on Our Hands!
You know how people seem to say just what you need to hear at the exact moment you need to hear it?
Well, that happened to me today. I have been very down about this school year. It has been a pretty trying year, and I am pretty much ready to get it over with so I can go back to the drawing board and start over with another crop of kids.
Yeah, I know it's unusual to hear me talk in such a manner. I know. **sigh**
When I dropped off the girls at the daycare provider's house this morning, she told me to remind her to tell me what one of the coaches had to say about my son. See, one of the coaches at my son's school is her next door neighbor. When we first moved to our current house and told her our son would be transferring, she informed us that one of the coaches lived next door and she would be happy to introduce Ryan to him. Well, as school got closer to starting, she took Ryan and me over to the house-- of course it was when they were having a cookout and ALL of the coaches and their families were there. So, Ryan got the chance to meet everyone in one fell swoop.
Fast forward to today.
She said he went on and on about Ryan and how the coach basically called him the total package-- athletic ability, academic ability, and just and all-around good kid. The coach told her just how rare it was to have an athlete that had all three strong qualities. He also told her that all of Ryan's teachers LOVE him because he is such a great student who works just as hard in class as he does on the field. She said he ended up the conversation talking about the many options Ryan will have for his college education - from big named programs to ivy league colleges.
That made my mother's-heart so proud!
I know that I did not birth Ryan from my womb, but God knows that kid was truly birthed in my heart. I also know that I am not a perfect parent, but hopefully I'm just perfect enough to get him the rest of the way.
I am so proud of my Ryan and of the mark he seems to be making on the world around him. I cannot wait to see just what else God has planned for him.
For right now, though, I am one proud mama.
Well, that happened to me today. I have been very down about this school year. It has been a pretty trying year, and I am pretty much ready to get it over with so I can go back to the drawing board and start over with another crop of kids.
Yeah, I know it's unusual to hear me talk in such a manner. I know. **sigh**
When I dropped off the girls at the daycare provider's house this morning, she told me to remind her to tell me what one of the coaches had to say about my son. See, one of the coaches at my son's school is her next door neighbor. When we first moved to our current house and told her our son would be transferring, she informed us that one of the coaches lived next door and she would be happy to introduce Ryan to him. Well, as school got closer to starting, she took Ryan and me over to the house-- of course it was when they were having a cookout and ALL of the coaches and their families were there. So, Ryan got the chance to meet everyone in one fell swoop.
Fast forward to today.
She said he went on and on about Ryan and how the coach basically called him the total package-- athletic ability, academic ability, and just and all-around good kid. The coach told her just how rare it was to have an athlete that had all three strong qualities. He also told her that all of Ryan's teachers LOVE him because he is such a great student who works just as hard in class as he does on the field. She said he ended up the conversation talking about the many options Ryan will have for his college education - from big named programs to ivy league colleges.
That made my mother's-heart so proud!
I know that I did not birth Ryan from my womb, but God knows that kid was truly birthed in my heart. I also know that I am not a perfect parent, but hopefully I'm just perfect enough to get him the rest of the way.
I am so proud of my Ryan and of the mark he seems to be making on the world around him. I cannot wait to see just what else God has planned for him.
For right now, though, I am one proud mama.
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