New 'do... for now

One thing that I've really wanted to do was to find a protective hairstyle that I like so that my hair can grow healthily, with minimal chemicals and stress. Since my hairstylist could not get me in until Wednesday, I decided to "try" something on my own to get me through until then. If I messed up, no major biggie because I still have an appointment next week. However, if I did like it, then I will have saved myself a lot of money.

What's the worst that could happen, right?

Since I was not planning to use any major chemicals, I decided to forge ahead. After watching a few YouTube videos on installing different weaves, I felt I could do it. Below is the look I finally finished after midnight. Sorry that the only one I took shows my exhaustion and lack of sleep from the last few days.


Now, a couple of things about this picture. 1. The picture is from the moment I finished the install and cut some of the front, but before I actually styled it. 2. I had to crop the pic because I was wearing a v-cut maxi dress and my "girls" were trying to make their film debut or something; they were all front and center, ready for their close-up! 3. I am not sure why the angle or the lighting has me looking like I have a busted (or just very weird) grill. LOL.

I do like the look, overall, and this was definitely a learning experience. Already, I know what I would do differently if I ever decide to do this again. I'm thinking I may just experiment with lots of different looks this way. Chime in and tell me yay or nay on each look.

Have a terrific Sunday, Loves!

Everything Must Change

According to Greek philosopher, Heraclitus, "The only thing constant is change."

I am currently going through a period of renewal in my life. In order to truly do this, I am going to have to make some much-needed changes. I walked through every room of my apartment this morning and saw just how cluttered my physical space is. It is not dirty or anything; there is just too much stuff. Then I thought about my sleep patterns (or lack thereof) and realized that I am mentally cluttered as well. In short, I have so many things going on that I am not doing ANY of them as well as I could. Soooo...

Time to get rid of the excess "stuff" in my life to actually make room for the blessings headed my way!

I have a plan that is beginning to shape up nicely. The first thing I have done is deactivated dating site accounts. I will be letting go of all social media (except for this blog) by July 1 as well. I just do not have time for all of that. I love my friends and extended friendships dearly, but those who are really important know my number and email addresses. I also plan to commit to a workable schedule that makes sense. I need to go to bed at a decent hour and get proper rest. As part of that schedule, I need to spend quiet time alone with The Lord, commit at least an hour each day for working out, and spend more time cooking healthy meals. with us always on the go, we are eating far too much by way of processed, high-fat, crappy foods. The short of it is that I, simply, need to guard and be much more selfish about my time. Lord knows, if I do not respect my time, no one else will have respect for it either!

Anyway, this list is just a start. I do not want to lay all of the specifics out on Blogger at this time, and things will become even clearer as I get underway. I don't know what it is, but I feel that there is something FAR bigger for me at the end of this process.

See you on the journey!

Lessons hard learned...

NEVER MAKE SOMEONE A PRIORITY IN YOUR LIFE WHEN YOU ARE JUST AN OPTION IN THEIRS!

I woke up thinking about someone I know. As hard as it is to admit sometimes, not everyone is going to think about/feel for/act toward us as we think they should. It could just be that they are just not that into you. One thing I have learned from having a couple of guy best friends in my younger days (Thanks, LA and Rodney!) is that, if a man is truly interested in being with you, he will move the stars, if possible, to let you know it. You will never have to wonder, try to figure it out, or chase him for the answer or the proof, etc. He will be quick to show it through his words AND his actions. Period. Point blank. End of story.

If a potential love interest's words and the actions do not agree, then stop allowing them to take up rent-free space in your head and heart. Seriously. It will sting for a minute, but that is FAR better than simmering on someone else's back burner. The truth is actually one of only a handful of things: 1) They are not looking for the same kind of relationship that you are; 2) They ARE looking for the same kind of relationship, just not with YOU; or 3) They want to keep you on the back burner in case they do not find the "something better" they are obviously looking for. None of those options are good enough for someone as fabulous, smart, blessed, and worthy as you. So, seriously, shake the dust off, pick your face up, and Keep.It.Moving. In truth, God has someone who WILL attempt to move the stars... just for you!

That was my public service announcement for the day. You are now free to move about the country! ;)

Have a great day, Loves!

Workin' it out!

I got out and about today. I took care of my business, and I even did some things I normally would not do! Little Miss Responsible has finally learned that life is too short not to live. So here's to the first day of the rest of my life (raising my glass for a toast). Your girl is workin' it today! I'm looking good (if the approving looks and the passes I got today are any indication), and I am feeling more alive than I have in years. That pep in my step is here to stay. I pray your Thursday was as great as mine! If not, my prayer is that you, too, will soon find your groove.

Love you guys, but I've got to bounce. Places to go and things to do...

Oh, let me leave you with a little something-something that I am currently listening to. Stevie Wonder- I Wish.

Vacation!!!

Today is my first day of summer vacation. I don't know about you, but I feel as if I have been beaten with a stick. This last school year was rough, and summer school was a wild ride, but now I officially have time to relax, relate, and release!

Woosahhhh.

I woke up this morning all about business: checking on my money, writing out the bills, making plans, moving funds around, paying bills, and deciding what I would like to do with my life for the next 50 days. (Yes, I counted!) I then took stock of my life, my relationships, and my goals. I realized that I still have a few relationships that need to be severed once and for all, as they are more toxic and stressful than edifying. I looked at the potential love department and originally thought about things that I could do better, more of, less of, etc. to make that area more productive. Then a thought came to me.

Who has time for worry and stress? If I just continue to be the best ME that I can be and serve the Lord, then He will send the one who is good TO me and good FOR me; and there will be no stress and sorrow added to the blessing.

So, hit it, Mary! Here is my theme song for the day: Just Fine by Mary J. Blige

Throwback Thursday, Anyone?

Since everyone and their grandmother seems to post old pictures on Thursdays, I thought I would add an old one to the pile. First, though, are there any pay phones left anywhere? Second, no, I am not sure who I am talking to, but the conversation looks to be entertaining, if that Koolaid smile is any indication! LOL

Thanks, Dre, for sending this one to me (via FB of all places). Who knew you still had this. Now, if I could just find that one of you in the Freddy Krueger sweater... ,

Today is the Day

Today is going to be a great day. I can FEEL it!

First, today is the last day of summer school. We made it! All that is left is to monitor the final administration of the STAAR test. Although it really is the testing equivalent to watching paint dry, today is the LAST day of summer school! I know I mentioned that already, but it really did bear repeating once more! LOL.

Second, today is a friend's birthday. Although this has nothing to do with me directly, I still would like to give a public shout-out. Happy Birthday, You Sexy Beast! LOL. Kidding! (Actually, he really IS nice to look at, but I digress.)

Third, God is such an awesome father and protector. A few cars directly around mine got vandalized the night before last. My vehicle was protected, and I am so thankful. That's why I have purposed in my heart to praise him in advance as often as I can. I am not a Bible-thumping zealot, but I KNOW where my blessings come from!

Friends, there are so many things that we should be thankful for. I sometimes try to list off my blessings, but it is impossible to list them all. I sure hope you take the time to count your blessings today, even if this is a season of hardship in your life. Whatever you are going through, know that this, too, shall pass. EVERY storm eventually passes, and the sun will shine again. I promise!

If you get a chance and have the opportunity to listen to a song, check out this song: God Favored Me by Hezekiah Walker

I love you guys! Have a great day!

Exhausted

I know I should write something every day, but I am mentally and physically exhausted. Summer school is almost over, y'all! I promise to post something new tomorrow.

Until then, know that I love you and God loves you! :)

My latter will be greater... (Job 8:7)

I sought the Lord today about several things, one being the potential of a meaningful romantic relationship in my life. The Lord spoke to my spirit in great detail about some questions I had, and He spoke a word over my life that caused goosebumps to raise all over me.

There is a saying that people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. The truth is that some people are just not called to fit into God's long-term plans for us. Perhaps they are there to teach us a lesson. Maybe that heartbreak was intended to be the catalyst that gets us moving in the right direction. Perhaps that person you thought just might be the one was really sent to renew the hope of something better and to get you to open your heart to receive the one God really has planned for your life. Just maybe that boss who seems to block your elevation at work has kept you from headache, stress, and a future that is all wrong for you. I am completely at peace with all of the answers that God gave me to the questions I had. Not all of them were ones I wanted to hear, but thank goodness that He does not operate according to OUR wishes!

Throughout our time together, I kept hearing, Your latter will be greater. Just trust Me and receive Me, and I will do some things that will blow your mind; things that will leave people scratching their heads in the natural realm. Trust and receive and I will show you that your latter days will be greater than your entire life before.

Wow. Just wow. I still have goosebumps even now. What God has for me is for me, and I want it. I receive it. My prayer is that you seek the Lord today and receive a word for yourself. You, too, can experience the greatest days of your life ahead. If God has a blessing for me, then He certainly is a big enough God to have one just for you.

I love you, and I pray all God's blessings over your life. In the mighty name of Jesus. Amen.

Plugging In

It really has been on my heart lately to reengage in my church. This morning, I investigated different ministry opportunities and sent out messages to the appropriate group leaders. In the meantime, I plan to set aside time each day to increase my one-on-one time with the Lord.

At church this morning, the first thing I did was write out my tithe check for the unexpected money I received yesterday. I couldn't help but marvel at the fact that God provided the seed for me to sow, and is still willing to allow that seed to be multiplied. Then the guest minister got up to preach and confirmed several things that the Lord has placed on my heart over the last few days.

I have a renewed sense of purpose and more hope than ever that my future is bright. I am so ready to continue pressing on and to walk out this wonderful life God has blessed me with. Although I do one day dream of walking out this life as part of a we instead of an I, I know that whatever the Lord has for me is just for me and is absolutely perfect.

I'll leave you today with something the guest minister said that I can chew on. Maybe you can too...

What I make happen for God's house, God makes happen for my house. - Steve Alessi 6/23/13

Right on time

I am very private with my troubles. In fact, there can be a friend who talks to me every day and still have no clue that I am going through something. At any rate, I have been in a really crazy position financially and, to be honest, I did not know how we were going to make it. I suffered a really severe allergy attack last night, complete with my face swelling. I took a dose of Benadryl and got somewhat better. I later told my symptoms to a neighbor who advised me to go to urgent care to get an allergy shot. The problem was that if I went to urgent care, I would not have had money left to meet any of my and my girls' needs should an emergency crop up. Although we were in a temporary bind, I never doubted though. After all, the Lord has sustained us through EVERY crazy time. I just thought, "Lord, You're going to have to move for me because I have nothing else that I can do."

And He did just that.

The sight of the mail truck caught my attention and I remembered that I had not checked my mail in a several days. To my surprise, there, in my mailbox, was a CHECK! Look at God! I returned to the car and burst into tears and started praising Him. My girls were concerned, and I explained that I was just overcome with happiness because there was a check in the mail. Kalyn said, "Mom, you only had a little money left and God took care of us." Yes, indeed He did. As usual, my daddy made sure that His daughters were alright.

Seriously, who wouldn't serve a God like this?

Dating 2013

Fast forward to 2013.

Here I stand as a divorced, single mother trying to navigate my way through the dating waters. I have to admit that the process is not inspiring much confidence at this point. Because I have been severely lacking in time and opportunity to get out and meet people the 'regular' way, I have opened up to online dating. To call it interesting is definitely an understatement.

Online dating has its positive and negative points. For example, it is, in my opinion, a great way to take your time and really learn how a person thinks. Since there is no actual face-to-face interaction in the early stages, you become forced to actually communicate. However, because there is no face-to-face interaction initially, you are not able to see their body language to determine if the words that are being typed really matches up with how they are feeling. Consequently, it is much easier for someone to be on the computer saying any and everything about who they are, how they feel, and what their goals are. If insincere, the chances of feeling frustrated once the actual meeting takes place is drastically increased because you feel as if you wasted so much time and energy on someone who was not the person you thought they were. In short, online dating is just as hard as dating offline. In both instances, a good relationship with God is paramount because discernment is crucial for weeding out those who are not genuine.

Add to the mix being a Christian woman dating, and it becomes a mess. In my experience, when you tell people that you are Christian and dating, one of two things happen: 1. They immediately assume that you must be boring or a prude. I had one person tell me that he was afraid to flirt with me because he saw me as a Mother Teresa type. Really, dude? Or 2. They want to "test" my Christianity by attempting to talk under my clothes. I think I have been approached by pretty much every type of sexual deviant you can think of! LOL. Don't get me wrong. I am BY FAR not a prude, but some of the people out there have taken things waaay to the next dimension!

So far, trying to reenter the dating world has not been a very successful endeavor for me. I have met some really nice men who I could see forging lifelong friendships with, but there have been no real sparks. I am hopeful, though, that God has the person He has ordained just for me that does not require settling.

I will keep you updated with any new developments...

Inside Out, Part II

Me: Yes?!!! What do you mean, 'Yes'? You are seriously trying to kill me?
Him: You said, "More of You and less of me, God." More of Me means getting rid of you.
Me: So you mean I will have NO life?
Him: More of Me means less of you. You choose your life.

Let me stop here to say that I was still a fairly new Christian at the time. Yes, I went to the occasional service growing up, and I attended catechism classes, but I was never really encouraged to read the Bible for myself or to develop a relationship with God for myself until I went into the Army and saw some new things. So there in Leesville, LA, I had a choice to make. I'd like to say I completely sold out to God and have been serving Him faithfully ever since. That would be a lie, though. The truth is, I did gain more of the Lord. Much more; but I also chose to keep some of the "me" He was willing to remove. In the end, I settled for a relationship with a man that was less than God's best for me. I know this because, although we both appeared to be serving the Lord, the commitment did not last. Instead, within several months, I began to see my new husband's violent side and knew that it was just a matter of time before the verbal and emotional abuse I suffered would turn physical. Thankfully, when I prayed for an out, the Lord provided me with one, and I was able to break free.

However, how different could my life have been had I truly trusted God and waited for Him to complete the work He started in me the first time?

I wish I could say I totally sold out for God even after the wedding debacle. Oh, I had periods where I was on fire for the Lord, serving Him with gladness and really growing in Him by leaps and bounds. I sang for the Lord, I worked with God's children, I had a robust prayer life. However, I still continued to have one foot in Heaven and the other in the world. In fact, I often sought my own way and, before too many years had passed, found myself back in a situation where I again settled for "good enough." But then again, there should have been no surprise there because I did not choose the BEST CHOICE as my first choice in the first place.

Fast forward to 2013.

Pt III tomorrow...

Killing Me From the Inside Out

I woke up this morning to the thought of an incident that happened while I was in the Army, stationed at Ft. Polk, LA. I was the only female soldier from my unit who lived in the barracks, so my experience was QUITE interesting. There was very little to do in Leesville, so I found a church that I loved and became an active member. This church offered many ministries, so before long, I was attending several times per week. Most of my fellow soldiers would see me at PT, at work, occasionally in the mess hall, and in the evenings heading out with my fancy little Bible case on my way to church. Many of the guys in my unit obviously decided that I needed protection from the wolves and declared themselves my big brothers. These fools grilled anyone who came within 10 feet of me and screened my calls (no cell phones at that time!). You would have thought I was under witness protection or something!

One day, a guy who had been checking me out from a nearby battalion stopped to chat with me as I was returning to my barracks from duty. My barracks was one of many that housed several battalions and formed a large courtyard type of area. Unbeknownst to me, a soldier from a neighboring signal battalion saw this guy approach me and decided to take it upon himself to let the guy know that I was off limits.

"Hey, you can't talk to her. That's 'The Little Church Girl'!"

The guy who wanted to talk to me then stepped back quickly as if he had been seared with a hot iron, contorted his face and said, "YOU'RE 'The Little Church Girl'? Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry." He quickly proceeded to exit stage left.

Seriously, Dude?!! Who in the heck was the idiot yelling out the window from across the way anyway? I didn't even know him. And what in the world had people been told about 'The Little Church Girl'? I was angry and wanted immediate answers at that point, so I grabbed the nearest 'big brother' by the scruff of his collar. (Truth be told, I could probably beat the crap out of most of my 'big brothers' despite them wanting to protect me!) In fear, he just said, "It's nothing bad. It's just that everyone knows that you are... like... really HOLY." I didn't know if I should laugh or slap the daylights out of him, so I released him.

Well, I see I won't be getting any dates at Ft. Polk.

At church, the prospects were slim to none as well. There were some single guys in my age range, but they were trying to find who they were in Christ, so all of their conversation seemed to include "thee" and "thou" a lot. So yeah, there were going to be no dates there either.

It was high time for God and I to have a little talk because this was getting out of hand. (How young and naïve and stupid I was! LOL)

Me: What is the deal, Lord? First off, ALL of my friends got these cushy assignments overseas, but you sent me to the armpit of the Army. Now you have made me a social leper. What is my lesson here- to see just how long it takes to kill me from the inside out?
Him: Yes.

To be continued...

It's Father Day!

Happy Father's Day to all of the amazing fathers I know. Thank you for the important part you play in raising the future leaders of our nation. We are all the better because of you, and we celebrate YOU today!

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies...

Author's Note: This is an entry from a few years ago that was never published. I do not even know why I did not publish it at the time, but it is still relevant. Just a reminder to my sisters (and to myself) to never settle for less than God's best. Love you.

I am going to need my sisters to stop settling for a man for the sake of being able to say you have a man. If you're my friend, then I know there is something of quality about you. I don't make it a habit to run around with people who aren't about anything. So, knowing that about you, I know you have qualities in you that make you worthy of God's (and a man's) best.

Why am I going there today, you ask?

Well, I recently reconnected with a friend who is still unmarried. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not one to push marriage on anyone. I know it is not for everyone. However, this friend really wants to be married one day. She longs for a great marriage with a man who is her equal... or at least complementary. The problem is that this smart, beautiful, successful woman has run into more than her fair share of broke, busted, disgusted, lying, trifling, and philandering men. Well, at the very least, they have been all wrong for her.

Now, I know your first thought is this: If she is as put together as I say, then why is she still being drawn to these types of men? Well, I DON'T KNOW! This sista is at the top of her game professionally. She is also a published author who loves the Lord and has her credit and her money right, in addition to countless other good qualities. So what is the REAL problem? Why, then, is she still putting up with somesuch nonsense?

As we talked about her latest relationship, something that she said really struck me. She said, "Girl, I am tired. I don't want to have to learn another birthday, another middle name, meet another mama, or meet another group of friends. God may actually have the person who is right for me on a plane at this moment, and we may bump into each other at the grocery store and we'll know we've finally found "the one" and be married and making babies in a year. But I am tired. I just want God to make THIS one right."

O-O-O-kay! Starting point. Yes, I know this young lady is tired- of her propensity toward trifling, lying, deceptive men. I would be tired as well. SO, what do we do when we get tired? We make changes!

This lady has been in some long-term relationships with men she has known for many, many years. But what I think she has failed to do is really look at them. Length of time knowing someone does not necessarily correlate to the depth of friendships. (I can't take the credit for that one. Those were her words). Any woman in this situation needs to ask herself, "In all of the years I have known this man, what has he shown me about his character?" Seriously. We tend to let our real selves hang out when we are around friends we are not in a relationship with. Girls, if you saw him tipping, slipping, and acting a fool with some other woman, please know that he has shown you his true self. Has he shown that he cannot manage his money? Red flag! Have you seen incidences as his friend when he has proven to be unreliable? Red flag! Ladies, that does not change just because you are the new flavor of the month. Don't for a moment think that the juncture of your thighs will make him change his ways. That is a dime a dozen. So, what REALLY is different about you?

Sisters, we have got to get to a place where we are comfortable laying down the deal-breakers and what it is we truly want from the relationship up front. Stop hemming and hawing thinking you might scare him off. If he is serious and ready to come to you correctly, he will appreciate the honesty and conduct himself accordingly. If he is not willing to operate within those boundaries, then no harm, no foul. Let him keep stepping and you keep it moving. He is not the be all, and end all.

Look at it this way: If you are a man's missing rib, shouldn't the pieces fit together correctly?

Go marinate on that and get back with me.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does...

I received a message from a person from my past. Apparently, he has been reflecting on his life lately and thought it would be a good idea to call and make amends for past mistakes. I get that, and I was, on some level, glad to give him the forgiving word he obviously needed in order to move into the next level he was seeking in life. Since I did not know him well anymore, I gave him the Google Voice number that I give to casual acquaintances. During the course of catching up, he asked me about my relationship status. I did not think too much of the question because it seems to be standard when catching up with people from the past. I told him that I was divorced and currently going through a period of renewal, and he told me that he was in a somewhat complicated relationship with a woman with whom he had two children. However, after a few more minutes of talking, he mentioned that he was coming to town because he was considering moving back (not happy with his current situation), and he wanted to know if I was willing to meet for dinner and drinks. When I hesitated in responding, he launched into an explanation which included him telling me that he had thought about me nonstop for the last several months and wanted to contact me many times, that I was the only woman that he has really ever loved, yadda yadda yadda... Interspersed in there somewhere was him telling me everything wrong he could possibly think of about the girlfriend/baby mama/friend with benefits chick he was with.

What the what?!!! Pump the damn doggone brakes!

Needless to say, the rest of the conversation did not go well.

Me: Whoa! Let me stop you right there. First of all, you and I could NEVER meet for dinner and drinks because you have just let me know the kind of man you are. You see, I could have chalked the past up to youthful ignorance. However, the fact that you would sit on this phone and talk so nastily about the woman who gave you children in the hopes that you might possibly weasel your way into getting a piece of ass having relations with me lets me know that you are NOT the type of man I would want to spend any amount of time with. Are you insane? (What if he had said 'yes'? LOL)
Him: No, no, no. That is not what I was saying. I wasn't trying to come on to you. I was just hoping you could be a friend I could talk to from time to time because you always gave good advice.
Me: Boy, BYE!

Now, don't get it twisted. If I said I had not fallen for the okie-doke a time or two, I would be lying. However, that was a long time ago, and when you know better, you do better. There is no way in the world I would ever go back to being stupid. Instead, I just shake my head, keep it moving, and keep believing that God has something MUCH better in store for me.

Perhaps tomorrow we will discuss the propensity of men (and women) toward playing games in dating even into their late thirties and beyond.

Know your worth...

I love the movie, "Johnny Lingo." In it, a young woman named Mahana went through life being told that she was stupid, ugly and worthless. Even those closest to her echoed the sentiments of the others on the island. Consequently, Mahana came to believe that she was of no value. One day, Johnny Lingo, the shrewdest and most respected trader on the island, came to Mahana's house to offer cows as part of a marriage contract between himself and Mahana's father. In that society, the more cows offered meant the more the prospective bride was worth. Most of the islanders- Mahana's father included- believed that even one cow was too steep a price to pay for her. Johnny Lingo, however, offered an unprecedented 8 cows for Mahana- far more than any other woman in the history of the island. No one could believe it. Was Johnny Lingo blind, crazy, or just vain? Immediately after the wedding ceremony, Johnny Lingo took Mahana away for months on their honeymoon trip, which included visiting many islands. When they finally returned, no one could believe their eyes! Gone was the shy, awkward young woman considered worthless. In her place was this totally transformed woman in full knowledge of her beauty and worth. In the exchange at the end between Johnny and a local merchant, Johnny explained that he had loved her since childhood and that he paid 8 cows for Mahana because he wanted her to BE an 8-cow woman. He explained that many things could make a woman beautiful, but what SHE believed about herself was the most important thing.

Merchant: In her father's hut, Mahana believed she was worth nothing.
Johnny: Yes, and now she knows she is worth more than any other woman on the island.

See, with Johnny's help, Mahana came to see the woman she was called to be. When she believed she was ugly and worthless, she became ugly and worthless; but when she saw herself through Johnny's eyes- beautiful, graceful, worth far more than rubies- she BECAME that woman. (Ummh! If we only saw ourselves through God's eyes...)

One major flaw in our society today is that we allow others to dictate standards of beauty. As a result, entire segments of the population find themselves excluded. This creates a domino effect in which the excluded population ultimately comes to believe in their inferiority. Instead of perpetuating this superficial determination of a person's worth, why aren't we raising more Johnny Lingos who understand that the 2-cow woman according to society's standards CAN be the 8-cow woman God created for him? And why do we continue to cosign on society's double standards and raise generations of Mahanas who go through life not knowing that God created them to be stunningly beautiful reflections of His glory?

Marinate in that awhile...

Shakin' things up...

There is a popular quote that says, "If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got." After reflecting on these words awhile, I have to say that Henry Ford was right. I think about my life and about my hopes and dreams. There are many things that I desire, but I have yet to attain them. I do realize that I probably have not attained those things because I live my life predictably. Safe. Protected. All neatly packaged and wrapped with a bow, hidden behind the walls of this fortress I have erected around myself. It's difficult to make a significant impact on the world while in hiding. (Well, it depends on where one hides, I suppose.)

I dream of impacting the youth of this world in far greater numbers than my career currently allows. This passion I have cannot be truly realized, however, until I make the decision to step out of my comfort zone and be all that I know God has called me to be. It takes courage to step into one's destiny. The crazy thing is that I have never been one who has been easily frightened. So why, then, do I most fear the things that are at the very core of my being? What exactly do I fear? Is it failure... or success? Is it rejection, or is acceptance more frightening? You see, with acceptance, one has to open oneself up to receive those who receive you. That means allowing others within the walls of the fortress. It means knocking down walls. It means being vulnerable and having to trust that others will respect that sacred space at the core of all that I am. Trust. Belief. Interdependence.

After all, no man is an island.

So with a deep sigh, I am purposing within my heart to do things differently. I am opening up and stepping out on the knowledge that God will order my steps. The future requires it, and my destiny insists upon it. Pray for me, because change is never easy.

To be continued...

1 down, two to go...

Week 1 of summer school is complete. I think we may just make it!

New Normal?

Clearly, I have lived a charmed life. I talked to an acquaintance today and listened as she told me about an issue she was going through with a certain person in her life. As she replayed (ad nauseam) her current situation, I couldn't help but think that she assumed the chaotic, dysfunctional relationship she was in was normal. Have I just lived such a sheltered life to the point where physical and emotional abuse, lying, cheating and drug usage were normal events occurring in life? Now, don't get me wrong. I have a close family member who battles addictive behaviors, repeated incarceration, and all manner of foolishness; but in my mind, my loved one's situation is not at all what I would consider normal.

As I gave it a little more thought, I asked myself just what normal is anyway. I had always considered the term 'normal' to mean something that follows traditional societal norms. But is it more subjective than that? Perhaps, to some people, those events in their lives really are normal because they follow along the general norms within their established communities. So maybe this acquaintance of mine sees me and my life as something abnormal. Interesting thought. That said, however, my 'normal' works for me, and I would certainly not change it to fit anyone else's definition.

Summer School

Today is the first day of summer school. I am excited to get started and see if I can make a difference in the short amount of time I will have with these students. From the looks of it, I will have a class of all boys! That should be interesting! If they are really crazy, then the bright side will be that it will amount to about 10 instructional days before they have to retake the STAAR test. I am praying that my new babies will make it over the hump. Lord knows, they must be completely stressed out by now, with the thought of possible retention looming over their heads. One thing is for sure; I am going to bring my A game and do the thing I do best. I am praying they bring their A games too!

Today has been a down day for me. That is all...

Highs and Lows

Life is a series of ebbs and flows. I woke up and received some news that really made my day! A friend and I were going to connect today and just spend some one on one time hanging out and fellowshipping. This friend is fairly new, but there is just "something" there that lets you know that the two paths were destined to cross for some reason. At any rate, as the day progressed, a comedy of errors ensued and, in the end, we never got a chance to connect. I really had looked forward to this meeting, so I was very disappointed when the opportunity to meet was lost for today. Sure, meetings get canceled, people forget, life gets hectic. As a result, plans change. It happens all the time. Why did this feel so different for me? Then I realized what had happened. It was that word disappointment. It signifies an emotion that I allowed to rule my life for a long time.

For many years, I kept myself guarded against others. Actually, I had set up a series of almost insurmountable walls around myself to keep others out of that very personal space within me where I was laid bare. The flaws and all would show, and I feared that people would use that knowledge against me and wound me. I somehow convinced myself to believe that it was just easier to keep people out altogether than to give someone an opportunity to disappoint- and possibly reject- me.

I am so happy that God does not think like that. How many times have we missed the mark, made mistakes, failed to show up for appointments, or just ignored Him altogether? Yet in the midst of our mess ups, He recognizes us as the broken creatures we really are and forgives us. Then He waits patiently for us to return to Him so that He may join us in fellowship. As unworthy as we are-and we are truly unworthy- He loves us where we are and accepts us just as we are. Flaws and all, He looks at us in our human condition, yet sees us perfected in Him.

Sidelined by a single-serve glass of wine

I woke up with a migraine this morning. Although I do suffer with headaches at times, it is rare that I get all the way to a full on migraine. Usually, I am able to stop it at the onset, but it started while I was sleeping. As a result, I had to pull out the major meds.

During this ordeal, a few key things happened. 1) A friend called and asked- out of the blue- what my kids may want for breakfast because she was coming this way; 2) My daughter learned that I had a headache and came in periodically and just laid hands on me and prayed quietly; 3) A new friend offered to come over and take care of me. Now, none of this may seem like a big deal, but I love how the Lord remembers us, particularly in times of suffering, and sends people alongside to help and comfort us.

As far as the headache goes, the only thing I did differently yesterday was to try one of those single serve glasses of wine. Clearly not one of my best ideas. I should probably stick to buying bottles of wine from vintners I know about and just risk much of it going to waste from disuse. Surely, the few bucks I may waste far outweighs the excruciating pain and the loss of an entire day as a result of migraine pain.

Lesson learned: Never drink cheap wine! LOL

Packing up

Well, today is my last mandatory workday for the school year (although summer school starts next week). All of my paperwork is complete, and all that is left of this school year is to pack away this year's memories and start preparing for a fresh crop of rambunctious, blank canvasses upon whose futures I get to make my mark.

Being a teacher carries tremendous responsibility. We have the power to influence and impact an entire generation and, ultimately, a nation. As I reflect on this year, I find myself wondering if I did everything I could have, or whether or not I said all that I should have. Then I wonder what I could or should have done better or more of in terms of academics. I already know that I will be spending much of my summer working on increasing rigor in the classroom, improving interventions, and thinking about better ways to reach parents. Heck, I am thinking about it today.

I guess there is something to be said about finding that thing you are passionate about...

Moving On...

Today was bittersweet. After what could only be described as an insanely challenging year, my fifth graders finally graduated and moved on to middle school. I'll be honest though. I was not so sure that either they or I would make it to the finish line; but somehow we made it.

At the end of each year, there is a tradition in which the teachers sing a song to send the children off. Honestly, other than "Hit the Road, Jack," I did not want to sing anything to this group of students. They worked my nerves in pretty much every way possible. However, my principal was not having it. So off to looking for songs our music teacher and I went. As we listened to one in particular, the lyrics, the tempo, the energy all seemed to describe them perfectly. I learned the song and actually found myself excited to sing it to them. (By the way, it was "Crazy Dreams" by Carrie Underwood.)

In the minutes leading up to their final walk of the halls, I took a moment to really look at each of the young minds I helped to mold. I recalled each child's golden moments and maybe a few not-so golden ones. Then I imagined them off into the world being tomorrow's movers and shakers; and, for the first time, I realized that the thought of these beautiful faces one day being control of the world did not frighten me. After all, these were my babies and they were going to do BIG things one day. I smiled to myself, and one child asked me what I was thinking. I told them, "I am thinking about your future and praying that you know just how proud I am to be your teacher."

After graduation, we had a reception where students and parents were able to mingle and say their summer goodbyes. A huge crowd gathered around me as parents and children waited to talk to and take pictures with me. It does something to your heart to have a parent of a particularly challenging student come up and tell you that their child talks about you every day and cried at the thought of leaving you. Or to have another one say that they waiting in that mile-long line to reach me because there was just no way their child would allow them to leave without getting a final hug or to take a final picture with "their" teacher. My undoing was when one of my newcomers who showed up at school speaking zero English, posed for a picture. Then, in the best English she could muster said, "Ms. C, I love you so much. Thank you for believing in me."

Wow. Just wow. I could go on and on about moments like these, but I won't. I can't. Not today. Right now, I am just going to reflect and smile.

Memories...

Since our school did not do a yearbook this year, I made two things: A class yearbook for my homeroom where every student wrote what they dream of becoming one day and a memory and autograph book for all 105 students. Then, we took the classes outside so they could exchange autographs and write in their friends' books. It made me feel good to see the huge group of students surround me waiting for me to sign their memory books and shirts. Several students mentioned the long wait and told me that it was like I was famous because everyone wanted my autograph. I kept saying to myself that infamous was probably a better description!

After the crowd died down and I signed until my fingers ached, something magical happened. It may not appear so magical to most people, but I got it. One student- for whom the word "challenging" does not even accurately describe- came and stood by me. He didn't say anything at first. He just stood right by my side, staring out at the other students milling around and chatting nonstop.

Let me stop here to give some background information. This student in particular has gotten into trouble with probably 85-90% of our staff this year. He is oppositional, defiant, rude, sarcastic, emotionally detached, and just all-around pretty odd. Because of the severity of his antics ALL YEAR, he was the first and only student that I know of who has ever been formally uninvited to our school's graduation ceremony. But he was probably my favorite student because I understood him. However, a few weeks ago, after talking with one of his parents, I let them know that one more of his antics and he would lose out on Field Day. His dad agreed with the decision because they were fed up as well. A few days before field day, he was back to saying extremely unkind things to others, being rude and disrespectful to his other teachers, and just not listening. He got to my class and tried to continue the defiant behavior. After a while, I instructed him to leave my classroom. He said, "I don't care," and gathered his belongings. However, as he walked out of the door, he looked back at me and our eyes briefly met. In that instant, I read everything. He was so sad and hurt that the one teacher who truly cared about him had put him out. I know he really wanted to apologize, but he also wanted to save face. He desperately wanted me to call him back in and give him another chance, but I could not. Being true to my word, I wrote the behavior up and he lost Field Day activities. He also received two days suspension because of some of his specific actions in the classroom. After returning to school, this was our exchange:

Me: Well, hello. Welcome back. I really missed you.
Student: I didn't miss you. I hate you.
Me: Wow, that is really disappointing to hear because I love you. BUT hate is your own emotion, so I guess I will have to live with that.
Student: You made me lose Field Day!
Me: No, Sweetheart. Your behavior choices made you lose Field Day. You gave me your word that you would behave correctly and you did not. I gave you my word that your consequence would be to lose Field Day. I kept my word to you. So, if keeping my word to you causes you to hate me, then I guess I am good with that. Please have a seat.
Student: Well, I don't hate you. I just dislike you very, very much.
Me: OK. I can live with that too.
Student: Fine. I do not hate you.
Me: I know. Welcome back. Now sit down.

Fast forward to book signing day. He stood next to me, holding that memory book and not speaking.
Me: What do you have there that you are holding onto so tightly?
Student: Oh, this memory book thing. I heard you made it.
Me: I did. I hope you like it. Did you get a lot of signatures?
Student: No, I do not care and I do not want people signing it.
Me: Well that's too bad because I really wanted to sign your book.
Student: Fine. Whatever. I guess you can sign the stupid book.
Me: Oh, great. (I wrote him a note telling him that I believe that he can do such great things in this world.) I hope it means something to you.
Student: I am sure it will mean nothing, but whatever. Bye. (he walked away)

I later noticed him standing near a school wall reading my note to him. He cared. He cared very deeply and did not know how to show it. I worry about him most of all...

Thought of the Day

Purpose in your heart that today will be your best. day. ever.

Find Your Passion

When I was five years old, I wanted to be a veterinarian. Well, that is until I saw Dr. McGruder stick his gloved finger into the dog's rear end. At that moment, my desire to become a real-life Dr. Doolittle came to a screeching halt. There was no way I was going to stick my finger up a dog's butt! Years later, I found myself telling people that I wanted to be a biomedical engineer. Actually, the engineer part is what my Grandmother gently and repeatedly told me that I was going to be. The biomedical part came much later as I made an attempt to make my grandmother's dream for me something closer to my own. After all, a biomedical engineer had to be much cooler than the geeky guys and gals running around with the pocket protectors and pens hanging out of their pockets, right?

Fast forward thirty years. No, I am not a biomedical engineer. In fact, I am in a field that I NEVER even considered as a child. Teaching? Pshaw! I didn't even like kids and I knew teachers did not make any "real" money, so teaching never entered my mind. No way, no how!

For several of the past school years, I have created a binder in which each student has a page dedicated to only them. On this page, they share what they hope to become when they grow up and their reasons why. Today was no exception. Prior to setting them free to write, the children and I had a discussion about our dreams and finding things we are passionate about. In each class, our conversations yielded something I did not realize. It didn't matter if the student came from The United States or Vietnam, Guatemala or Czechoslovakia, India or Ethiopia. Lots of students were just like I was- planning to follow some other person's dreams for their lives.

Here is an interesting exchange I had with one child:

Student: Well, my parents told me that I have to be a lawyer, but I hate the thought of doing that job.
Me: Okay. So what do you think you might want to become one day?
Student: A lawyer.
Me: Why would you become a lawyer if the job is something you HATE the thought of?
Student: Because that is what my parents want me to be.
Me: I see. Let's have a hypothetical situation. If a career field in law was not available to you, what would YOU like to do?
Student: (looking totally bewildered) I don't understand your question.
Me: If money were not an issue and parents' wishes were not an issue, what would you like to become as an adult?
Student: Well, I never really thought about it. I just figured I would be a lawyer because that is what my parents said.
Me: (to the entire class) Boys and girls, how many of you are in this same situation? (About 5 other hands go up.) Hmmm, let's discuss this. The world, My Dears, is full of people who walk around miserable, hating their jobs, their coworkers, their families, and their lives because they accepted someone else's dream for their lives instead of finding what it is they were really born to do. Life is way too short to be miserable every single day. You then get to the end of your life and find that you did nothing you wanted to do. So find that thing that, when you are alone in front of the mirror, you find yourself acting out. Do you dance? Do you sing? Do you practice jokes? Do you dream of speaking in front of a crowd, defending some person in court? Perhaps you pretend to do surgery on the bar of soap. What do you spend the most time dreaming about, whether you share those dreams with anyone else or not? THAT is the thing you are most passionate about.

So, just like those young minds today, I ask you the same question. What do YOU dream about when you are alone? What do you imagine yourself doing when you are in front of that mirror? Are you living THAT dream or one a loved one or society chose FOR you? More importantly, are you HAPPY? You see, life is too short to live it in misery. There is something to be said about loving what you do. If you truly love what you do, great! You found it, and no bad day that comes along while you do it will stop you from going back to it tomorrow. If, on the other hand, you are like the person I described before- miserable and hating your life, resenting everything and everyone else- then you have some soul-searching to do and some changes to make. If you really want to, of course. Your life, your happiness is all up to you today, so get started. I certainly believe in you, and God does too!

To Know Better is to Do Better...

Author's Note: The entry below is a repost from 2 years ago. I am returning to it because a new friend challenged me to write down my thoughts daily. I told him that I had started that once, but it fell by the wayside. I failed at it. So what! Thank God we serve a God of second (and even third and fourth) chances! Here, once again, is Day 1. I am so grateful for friends- new and old- who challenge me to move forward and to be the best that God has called me to be. Thanks for coming alongside...

Every Sunday morning, I have a standing chat appointment with a friend. During these conversations, we discuss our ups and downs from the previous week and just provide support and encouragement to each other. Well, today we talked about our vision for the the next five years. Once the visions were spoken, we challenged each other to, with the help of God, take the necessary steps to bring the visions into reality. Sounds simple enough, right?

Well, I realized that I often speak my goals in my mind and never share them with others. Whenever I change my mind or miss the mark, it is okay because it has always just been me, myself and I. However, when I spoke it to someone else, there was an instant feeling of accountability that came over me, as if I HAVE to follow through with it. But I want to take it even further. Time to write it down.

And the LORD answered me, and said, Write the vision, and make [it] plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it.
Habakkuk 2:2 (King James Version)

So here I am, putting it all out here. My immediate goal for this blog is to chronicle my journey over the course of a year. 365 days of being completely transparent, allowing you to see all of me- the good, the bad, and the ugly. I pray that over time, as I begin to come into my own as the woman God has called me to be, there will be something I experience or share that will speak to you as you take your own journey. I am excited to embark upon a process that I think will lead me to places that I have never imagined going. But I know that no matter what the next 365 days bring, I will be stronger, wiser, and much, much closer to my happy... however that is supposed to look.

My prayer is that this time and this process will lead you to your happy as well. See you on the journey!

--Nikki

It has been quite a while since my last post. I have visited the blog many times over the last year. Each time, however, I left thinking that I was either too busy to write or that I had nothing of worth to share with anyone. When I think back over the events of the past year, I have to say that nothing could be further from the truth! I have had so many experiences since I last checked in. Some have been wonderful. Others, not so much. I promise to collect my thoughts and share them. Pop your popcorn, find a comfy seat, and sit down because I promise that some of them are real doozies. I am here. I am back. I have a lot to say, it seems.