Well, it is official. Greg and I are calling it quits. We are filing for divorce this spring. I've actually alluded to this fact over the past several months as we have looked at our relationship from every conceivable angle. But, after all of that looking, it is what it is. And what it is is not working... nor has it worked for quite some time. So, here we are wondering where in the heck we went wrong and making plans to right our respective ships.
Divorce is painful business. Don't let anyone tell you differently. Whether we carry ourselves as strong and invincible or weak and easily defeated, there is a feeling of hurt and failure unlike anything else. There is no easy button to push nor words to be spoken that can take the sting away. In fact, I cringe inside just by saying the word. But, it is something that needs to be done nonetheless. For sake of my sanity, it has to be done.
Some of you will wonder why I took so long in revealing the changes I have been going through. Others will be disappointed and immediately think of all the scriptures you know about marriage. Yeah, I know those, too, so please don't waste your time typing them into the comments section. Still others will flood my voicemail and email boxes with words of encouragement and support. Please do not be offended if I do not immediately return your calls, texts, or messages. And please do not get upset if, when I do answer your calls, I just hold the phone. Like I said, this is very painful business, and it will take a lot of time to get over.
Well, now you know for sure. That's all I've got for now. I'll be back soon... with something.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Monday, November 2, 2009
Relax, Release...
I was recently told that I am a workaholic who has to learn to take time to relax. Sure, I work a lot, but that is because I have so much to do. If I don't keep up, it will pile up. Then where will I be?
In light of my mother's recent passing, I decided to take some time to really rethink my life's habits and choices. I really do want to be around to see my children's children. About a month or so ago, I started having trouble with digesting my food. I often find myself with horrible stomach pains and cramping or I'd not be able to keep my food down. It wasn't until I rushed to the ER to be with my mother that I realized that it was stress that was causing my digestive problems. Now when I get into stressful situations, the first thing I notice is that my stomach gets all tied up into knots and gets all messed up. I realize that by the time our bodies manifest effects of stress and whatnot, damage has gone on for quite some time. I don't even want to think about what my often marathon-long periods of stressful situations have been doing to my body.
What I do know is that I must do so much better. If for no other reason, I have two beautiful little girls who love me dearly and deserve a mommy who is in good health for as many years as possible. Yeah, I HAVE to do better.
So, I guess I need to come up with a game plan. How do I become less of a workaholic? I honestly have no idea of how to go about cutting back on the hours and stress. At this moment, I'm thinking that I should probably impose limits upon myself. Maybe allocate a certain number of hours each day for work and then disengage at the end of that period whether I am finished with it all or not. That will make me prioritize. I was also thinking that I need to find some ways to de-stress and relax. Well, that is as far as I have gotten in my process. Anyone else have ideas to help me with this?
In light of my mother's recent passing, I decided to take some time to really rethink my life's habits and choices. I really do want to be around to see my children's children. About a month or so ago, I started having trouble with digesting my food. I often find myself with horrible stomach pains and cramping or I'd not be able to keep my food down. It wasn't until I rushed to the ER to be with my mother that I realized that it was stress that was causing my digestive problems. Now when I get into stressful situations, the first thing I notice is that my stomach gets all tied up into knots and gets all messed up. I realize that by the time our bodies manifest effects of stress and whatnot, damage has gone on for quite some time. I don't even want to think about what my often marathon-long periods of stressful situations have been doing to my body.
What I do know is that I must do so much better. If for no other reason, I have two beautiful little girls who love me dearly and deserve a mommy who is in good health for as many years as possible. Yeah, I HAVE to do better.
So, I guess I need to come up with a game plan. How do I become less of a workaholic? I honestly have no idea of how to go about cutting back on the hours and stress. At this moment, I'm thinking that I should probably impose limits upon myself. Maybe allocate a certain number of hours each day for work and then disengage at the end of that period whether I am finished with it all or not. That will make me prioritize. I was also thinking that I need to find some ways to de-stress and relax. Well, that is as far as I have gotten in my process. Anyone else have ideas to help me with this?
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Highs and Lows
In life, the expectation is always that parents will precede their children in death. Even though we know- and even expect- our parents to go before us, there is really just no way to anticipate the loss.
My mom died on Monday, and it was a shock. Even up to her last breath, the expectation of a full recovery was so strong. She was not in pain, she did not labor to breathe, she didn't show any signs of suffering whatsoever. In fact, she was talking and laughing as we were giving her medical history to the nurse. One second she was cutting up as she usually did, and the next second she was gone to be with the Lord. There was no moment to brace myself or prepare for her loss.
But, I am glad that God knows just what we need when we need it. I NEEDED to be there for my mother's last laugh, last thought, last breath. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I needed that moment. God knew, and he responded accordingly. Just for me. What an awesome God!
Since my mom's passing, things have been such a whirlwind. I really haven't had time to grieve more than a minute here or there because I am inundated with phone calls from people who have been totally distraught and needing me to console them! Plus, I am having to do everything, preparation-wise, by myself. My brother is away, and it all falls to me to take care of everything. I think it's best this way. It's just hard because I am sooo unbelievably tired. I have run into a few snags where people have thought of only what they want and not what my mom's wishes were, and that has caused me to go off a time or two. Y'all know I'm not perfect! LOL! Other times, like right at this moment, I find myself a little low because I get so many calls from people seeking comfort, yet most do not ask how I'm doing or what they can do. I understand that they are hurting, too, but it hurts my feelings nonetheless. Maybe that's my fault because I expect more from people and it hurts to be disappointed. Can't dwell on what makes others tick, though.
I really think they just don't think about it. So many people think I am the strong one who can and does handle everything. I am Nikki the Handler. I think people sometimes forget that, beneath this "strong" exterior, there is a thinking, feeling person inside who hurts and feels things just like everyone else. I am just often too busy handling things that they don't get to see that part. I guess it's not their fault.
***Update:
As I was typing this blog entry this morning, I was feeling sooooo low. Today has started off as an incredibly depressing day for me. I guess I was feeling a little sorry for myself. Maybe I'm a little overwhelmed. Maybe it's the rainy weather. It's just that I was feeling like so many people have forgotten about me. Then, out of the blue, one of my mom's friends called. She didn't have a need at all. She just asked about me and what she could do to serve me. Look at God! Once again, He knew what I needed and responded accordingly.
So, after talking with her, I picked up my face, dusted myself off, and got back to "handling" everything again. Not because I want to, though. I really just want to crawl into bed under the covers and sleep until this is all over. But since that is not really an option, let me hop to it. I have to bury my mama, and I have a to-do list a mile long.
If you think about it, keep us in your prayers.
My mom died on Monday, and it was a shock. Even up to her last breath, the expectation of a full recovery was so strong. She was not in pain, she did not labor to breathe, she didn't show any signs of suffering whatsoever. In fact, she was talking and laughing as we were giving her medical history to the nurse. One second she was cutting up as she usually did, and the next second she was gone to be with the Lord. There was no moment to brace myself or prepare for her loss.
But, I am glad that God knows just what we need when we need it. I NEEDED to be there for my mother's last laugh, last thought, last breath. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I needed that moment. God knew, and he responded accordingly. Just for me. What an awesome God!
Since my mom's passing, things have been such a whirlwind. I really haven't had time to grieve more than a minute here or there because I am inundated with phone calls from people who have been totally distraught and needing me to console them! Plus, I am having to do everything, preparation-wise, by myself. My brother is away, and it all falls to me to take care of everything. I think it's best this way. It's just hard because I am sooo unbelievably tired. I have run into a few snags where people have thought of only what they want and not what my mom's wishes were, and that has caused me to go off a time or two. Y'all know I'm not perfect! LOL! Other times, like right at this moment, I find myself a little low because I get so many calls from people seeking comfort, yet most do not ask how I'm doing or what they can do. I understand that they are hurting, too, but it hurts my feelings nonetheless. Maybe that's my fault because I expect more from people and it hurts to be disappointed. Can't dwell on what makes others tick, though.
I really think they just don't think about it. So many people think I am the strong one who can and does handle everything. I am Nikki the Handler. I think people sometimes forget that, beneath this "strong" exterior, there is a thinking, feeling person inside who hurts and feels things just like everyone else. I am just often too busy handling things that they don't get to see that part. I guess it's not their fault.
***Update:
As I was typing this blog entry this morning, I was feeling sooooo low. Today has started off as an incredibly depressing day for me. I guess I was feeling a little sorry for myself. Maybe I'm a little overwhelmed. Maybe it's the rainy weather. It's just that I was feeling like so many people have forgotten about me. Then, out of the blue, one of my mom's friends called. She didn't have a need at all. She just asked about me and what she could do to serve me. Look at God! Once again, He knew what I needed and responded accordingly.
So, after talking with her, I picked up my face, dusted myself off, and got back to "handling" everything again. Not because I want to, though. I really just want to crawl into bed under the covers and sleep until this is all over. But since that is not really an option, let me hop to it. I have to bury my mama, and I have a to-do list a mile long.
If you think about it, keep us in your prayers.
Monday, October 19, 2009
My Mother is Gone
I cannot even believe that I am typing the words. My mother went home to be with the Lord today. My mother. My mama. My mommy. Gone. With the Lord. Today.
I'll try this again tomorrow.
I'll try this again tomorrow.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
At a Crossroads
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.
(from "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost)
I am a dreamer by nature.
Sure, I can move and shake with the best of them. A go-getter? Yep, that's me. But when I am by myself, I dream. I dream really big. Some of those dreams make it into reality, but others remain in my head, just itching to be birthed. Well, I have another dream that is really big and important to me, and I realize that I have been deferring it for years-- not because I cannot accomplish it, but because of the way it will affect those around me.
Marianne Williamson said in her poem, "Our Deepest Fear":
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
I know this poem well, and I have quoted it on several occasions. The words reverberate truth, yet I still find myself playing small in the world. Why is that, I wonder?
Y'all, I am really going through some things in my personal life. Some really big things. For those of you who like to think I have it all together, please think again. I am flying by the seat of my pants here. I know what is in my heart-- the hope and the promise of something greater. Well, fulfilling, actually. To me, the steep price is justified. To others, maybe not so much. At any rate, I stand at a crossroads silently praying.
That's all I can say about it right now. Sorry to be so cryptic, but I'll keep you posted.
I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.
(from "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost)
I am a dreamer by nature.
Sure, I can move and shake with the best of them. A go-getter? Yep, that's me. But when I am by myself, I dream. I dream really big. Some of those dreams make it into reality, but others remain in my head, just itching to be birthed. Well, I have another dream that is really big and important to me, and I realize that I have been deferring it for years-- not because I cannot accomplish it, but because of the way it will affect those around me.
Marianne Williamson said in her poem, "Our Deepest Fear":
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
I know this poem well, and I have quoted it on several occasions. The words reverberate truth, yet I still find myself playing small in the world. Why is that, I wonder?
Y'all, I am really going through some things in my personal life. Some really big things. For those of you who like to think I have it all together, please think again. I am flying by the seat of my pants here. I know what is in my heart-- the hope and the promise of something greater. Well, fulfilling, actually. To me, the steep price is justified. To others, maybe not so much. At any rate, I stand at a crossroads silently praying.
That's all I can say about it right now. Sorry to be so cryptic, but I'll keep you posted.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Finally! I've made a decision.
Since the inception of this blog, I have vacillated between several different ideas I've had about the type of blog I'd like this to be. At some points, I've thought to make this strictly a place for me to chronicle my daily journey as a wife, mom, and teacher. On other days I've thought about covering politics and the issues of the day. Still other days, I've thought of making this a safe place for people dealing with the pain of infertility to come and receive encouragement and support. One thing was for sure-- uncertainty was certain!
Well, it all finally became a little clearer to me after I received an email yesterday. A really nice lady googled one of the topics previously mentioned and stumbled upon my little blog. It's funny how God works because I instantly knew where I wanted to take this blog after reading that email. So, thank you, visitor! (Yes, I do remember your name!)
So, ladies and gentlemen, I will still chronicle my journey as a wife, mom, teacher, friend, and citizen, but I will do it from a Christian perspective. I think I do that a lot already, but I really want that to be the overall theme of this blog. Am I saying that I have arrived in terms of my faith or that I know it all? Absolutely not! God certainly knows me and knows I have a LONG way to go. But I am, hopefully, making forward progress. Besides, I am hoping that we can discuss issues from a biblical standpoint and all learn some things in the process.
So, please feel free to share your thoughts, feelings, and issues you'd like to discuss. I'm hoping this can grow into a community of people who are positive and supportive as we look for God's fingerprints in our everyday lives.
Well, it all finally became a little clearer to me after I received an email yesterday. A really nice lady googled one of the topics previously mentioned and stumbled upon my little blog. It's funny how God works because I instantly knew where I wanted to take this blog after reading that email. So, thank you, visitor! (Yes, I do remember your name!)
So, ladies and gentlemen, I will still chronicle my journey as a wife, mom, teacher, friend, and citizen, but I will do it from a Christian perspective. I think I do that a lot already, but I really want that to be the overall theme of this blog. Am I saying that I have arrived in terms of my faith or that I know it all? Absolutely not! God certainly knows me and knows I have a LONG way to go. But I am, hopefully, making forward progress. Besides, I am hoping that we can discuss issues from a biblical standpoint and all learn some things in the process.
So, please feel free to share your thoughts, feelings, and issues you'd like to discuss. I'm hoping this can grow into a community of people who are positive and supportive as we look for God's fingerprints in our everyday lives.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
When It Rains, It Pours...
Well, now the OTHER twin has whatever this crud is Tootie has. Lia's fever spiked today, along with a cough and now a sore throat. I called to see if I could just give her the same antibiotic that Tootie has, but no... I'll be taking her in to the pediatrician in about an hour! My brain is so fried! In the last two days, I have had a total of three hours sleep. Tonight's not looking too good on the sleep front, either. Plus, I'm starting to run a low-grade fever. Too bad, though, because I don't have time to be sick. I'll just have to try to keep it at bay until I get my girls better.
Anyway, please keep the prayers coming because we really need them right now.
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