Memories...

Since our school did not do a yearbook this year, I made two things: A class yearbook for my homeroom where every student wrote what they dream of becoming one day and a memory and autograph book for all 105 students. Then, we took the classes outside so they could exchange autographs and write in their friends' books. It made me feel good to see the huge group of students surround me waiting for me to sign their memory books and shirts. Several students mentioned the long wait and told me that it was like I was famous because everyone wanted my autograph. I kept saying to myself that infamous was probably a better description!

After the crowd died down and I signed until my fingers ached, something magical happened. It may not appear so magical to most people, but I got it. One student- for whom the word "challenging" does not even accurately describe- came and stood by me. He didn't say anything at first. He just stood right by my side, staring out at the other students milling around and chatting nonstop.

Let me stop here to give some background information. This student in particular has gotten into trouble with probably 85-90% of our staff this year. He is oppositional, defiant, rude, sarcastic, emotionally detached, and just all-around pretty odd. Because of the severity of his antics ALL YEAR, he was the first and only student that I know of who has ever been formally uninvited to our school's graduation ceremony. But he was probably my favorite student because I understood him. However, a few weeks ago, after talking with one of his parents, I let them know that one more of his antics and he would lose out on Field Day. His dad agreed with the decision because they were fed up as well. A few days before field day, he was back to saying extremely unkind things to others, being rude and disrespectful to his other teachers, and just not listening. He got to my class and tried to continue the defiant behavior. After a while, I instructed him to leave my classroom. He said, "I don't care," and gathered his belongings. However, as he walked out of the door, he looked back at me and our eyes briefly met. In that instant, I read everything. He was so sad and hurt that the one teacher who truly cared about him had put him out. I know he really wanted to apologize, but he also wanted to save face. He desperately wanted me to call him back in and give him another chance, but I could not. Being true to my word, I wrote the behavior up and he lost Field Day activities. He also received two days suspension because of some of his specific actions in the classroom. After returning to school, this was our exchange:

Me: Well, hello. Welcome back. I really missed you.
Student: I didn't miss you. I hate you.
Me: Wow, that is really disappointing to hear because I love you. BUT hate is your own emotion, so I guess I will have to live with that.
Student: You made me lose Field Day!
Me: No, Sweetheart. Your behavior choices made you lose Field Day. You gave me your word that you would behave correctly and you did not. I gave you my word that your consequence would be to lose Field Day. I kept my word to you. So, if keeping my word to you causes you to hate me, then I guess I am good with that. Please have a seat.
Student: Well, I don't hate you. I just dislike you very, very much.
Me: OK. I can live with that too.
Student: Fine. I do not hate you.
Me: I know. Welcome back. Now sit down.

Fast forward to book signing day. He stood next to me, holding that memory book and not speaking.
Me: What do you have there that you are holding onto so tightly?
Student: Oh, this memory book thing. I heard you made it.
Me: I did. I hope you like it. Did you get a lot of signatures?
Student: No, I do not care and I do not want people signing it.
Me: Well that's too bad because I really wanted to sign your book.
Student: Fine. Whatever. I guess you can sign the stupid book.
Me: Oh, great. (I wrote him a note telling him that I believe that he can do such great things in this world.) I hope it means something to you.
Student: I am sure it will mean nothing, but whatever. Bye. (he walked away)

I later noticed him standing near a school wall reading my note to him. He cared. He cared very deeply and did not know how to show it. I worry about him most of all...